FACTS AND FANCIES.

Mataura Ensign, Volume 7, Issue 369, 27 June 1884, Page 6

FACTS AND FANCIES.

"Jack, your wife ' is not so penßive" : dk i! nhe used to be !" «; No, she has left that 'dfffind turned more ex-pensive." -... . i. •.;•.• iniij When a father, chastises, his unruly, ; son with s stout switch he thinks hgrh'as dohir" a smart think. 1 (P.S.— The boy, ; £s W'r'jibs the sore plsice; thinks so too.) "■■'• '>'■ f* i> n f2l An advertisement reads : •? Wanted? a<man to be partly out of. doors and partly ,beh£rid the counter." This must be the man^ long Wght f or. '.'■' •■'■ ■ ' ■ >l /•'!' "./ ' A fact to be remembered j The' feiiis of ' lac stqckbroker ' are of commission— not! 1 dmisW* ; : '•■ .. ....•"• r-if -m[J , Victim (to dentist) : " Good heavens,,man, that is the 'second ' sound : tooth you '.WaVe pnlled." Dentist (to victim) :* pardon, sirybiit asiyoa had r. only ithrde when I commenoejd, I, think, 1 shall mab# no mistake this time." ' " ' , "r ,"} • Little Jack : «My mamma^newWis handprinted.'" Little' Dick : ' "> tooh, 1 who cares ? 1 Our back palings areJ' •' . : i ■ ; -\ w 3 '■■ ■■'••• SOME A^BBOBN : LtJ<!IK:t>i -i ;i l ; ! ; 'She 1 :' ; » bh, : dea'r 1 ! just as lex'pectek.' r f hat stuck-up Mrs Jones's husband .foa&oigot LIOjQOO damages out of the railway, com- , pany, and you not get a penny,, although you were in the same accident." He ': "But iVasnothurtat all,, while 'Mr ijories'lipsf a leg and an armband 1 will 'never again be»Sble to !work.?' .;-• She:i "AH Ithe sams. -1 Mrs' Jones will be flouting a new sealskin jacket ,in t my face next. Some, people are bprnjiuckjfc" The r other night; .: .Captain . Muckle:«&ii ,home intoxicated. After , go jng^tOjjbed,, ,he made so many strange>noises fhatMrs jfupkle '. becam'e 1 alanrie'd. l ' 'Muekle 'told' her ' tij&r lie must have been attacked with braiji'ftfrer, i The poor woman became) so ; badly ifrigHtened that after Muekle sank into a,, ni lettering sleep she made a mustard plaster ttjajipitf' it on the;back of his j neck. ' Mnck:.-' fi./ally became quiet, and Mrs Mudkle Sinik tb^ sleep, leaving the plaster on her hii b inWsu neck. During, the night the plaster, was, displaced, but when Muckle awoke -n^x't njorning .Jus neck was so sore he coiild'^r'dTy turri'liis 'hiaaa. rr-vu:;.! • ■'■"'. n,;.\ ■-, 7 .. i>n x if Mrs r , Muekle, ashamed of what . ishty.'had done, was/^eterminecl not to... say,, anything about the plaster, and fearful tha t t her hjiaband wouli mention the unsMlttully' attended application, Jshe' sat : " at the ! breakfast '- -Wbl& (with downcast expression.. : v . ; ; yjodn t . " That .place qn ,my neck hurt*; f Kks, {the deuce/s aid Muckle. ', "-" . "NowTll, catch it,'* thought. hiVWifeV%t Miiekle continued^— i ' :[i '■ 11 •! ton ft ; J< .Strangest ithing in., the .world ihowvinis thing happened. I was standing ati-^'^r-ner of the, .street yesterday afternoon} talking to a gentleman on business, fyhenaiongcame a timber waggon loaded with 'timber.' • Al ong board, which I did not happen to notice stuck out about 10ft behind, and while I.w.as deeply . interested ;i the waggon turned the corner, and the loig board came around and scraped the back of my npcki V hope'ltbat 'the time will come Jwtien the : people i will arise and denounce, such .nuisances,'',; , : .< , , Muckle is. a .terrible- fibber^ and his wife; is losing confidence in him. ' ' • '' '*'• 1 „ . .HE GOT THE; CLERKSHIP, '." ] Af bright .youth, undergoing examinatioH a few days since for admission to one of the departments, found himself confronted' jwtk the qiiestibn— « What* is' the distant the earth to the sun ? • Not having this exact number of .miles with him he wrote.inre'felMvVv- able v to state accurately, but I don, t believe the sun is near 'enough to interfere with a : proper ■ perfohria&e^of. my duties if I get this clerkship: n rH^tgot HB HAD NOT THE -H-aBADAOHHjfJni! A man went intd'a dt'ag store and ' Sited for something, to. /cure,; : a headaohjehriThe druggist held a , .bottle of ihar^shorn '.. t,o . his nose, arid.he was nearly. overcome by it's pungency . As soon as he : recovered .he beg^Tto rail.at the druggi&t andfhreaten'ed 'to htkeii ihi t h^ d< /'Bnlididtt't It.fhelp; youbWadache? asked,, the;. apothecary., .^Hel* my headache J,' gasped the. man. " I hayen^'any headache. 'It's my wife th'at'a ; g '6t r the' headache." ' • ■ '' .-■ ■-' • > I. „•.;:,-,;.! ->if-? r ' • '-■ ■• A MA'KKBD! MAiN.f .■,!: i,:;\-.v A literary gentle'matf recently becanjefebnsoious.ofmosttsuspicious glances ; cast, tiiion him by his friends arid acquaintances. Then The found tha,t his footsteps were dogged. Moreover, a policeman was 1 occasibEfffly'seen-oVit-side his^ house; and^ 'subsequetftlyy a sitatitfer, who afterward, turned out: ,to be a a detective. appeared.., r |> (> ( .: „ Tortured and troubled, %% last aske.d a friend the 1 meaning of irall "' '"Don't! you know ?" said 'tie. •. «*:j They '>-tms~ pectyou of murder."! ; . '■ {•> ni : •■ „ . f u^?^, murd ei:?;" M thej hor4fied v mHB. " What do jjrou, mean ■%" . ' . " ' " You received a pbstai/card last week' f 1 u -yi cryi u^ty v. ?i ifecfei-y e ' d > a ■do&eri'." Uu; "But on this postal > card were .wrjtten ,these;vsfords >: ,,'Be,su^e,;and s,ave| th,^ohild, but kill the mother, V.and, the pos\m«ter read r '" . ■•■•>-•• . : ■•]■!*-., Mr jj x 'A &^ c e^.i»g in a' guffaw; broW ih uftonx this dialogue.' :> ■ •" ; ■■ ■ ' ' .•.,-■..!•;>■.,^ Thepostal card h^dcoiae from a, theatrical! m.anager, , for , -yvhon^ tlje .gentleman h hudx .written a play, which the manager wa&ieol amended according to these directSiotfs; i: - F HiESWHibPBKBD.' :iH -;';'■'' A boy jvyas taken to task, by his msojener'for having struck his'companion. ' Shti tbfdT'fiim he must ask the forgiveness of the; wronged one. He went up to him , ans whufpered through his clenched teeth :. "I've to ask. you to forgive me for hitting you, and yon 'd better speak right out that, you do, 01 I'll give you something to remember.' 1 - The victim spoke up. , .-.•:»'.■ WHAT A CUANaVL[ •)'■>>"}>; '" What has become of Miss Blank, 'who was always such a favorite in your, set?" " Her father failed some weeks ago, and all they had was sold by aiiction." " f oor thing 1 " " And now they, have to, five , in a little rented house down l town!" !! " What a jhange ! How she must grieve* j" .'{Yes. 3he is so much changed that even her rbest iriends would not recognise her. I nie| her in the street to-day, and did not know her at, .11, pobr thing l"" ' : - SLIP OF THE TONGUE. ' : ' • '-'. •■ -' l , ; • •■' v-'f. 1 ■ I,' / ',' A deacon in a, town pot' S^q- ajwra gare^ otice at a, prayer meting .t^ojb'er nigfit ofi ch'uich meeting that .ws#tjo' 'be 'held'inime--iately after, and uwjpnsciottaljr'i(S(J4fd There- is na idbjeofciflnr,^ the female breth*. inrwning.V > : y .,. : , -^ _. \ _ ~*