UNDER THE VERANDAH.

Marlborough Daily Times, Volume X, Issue 314, 23 June 1888, Page 2

UNDER THE VERANDAH.

When standing iu my customaiy spot under the verandah a young man came up aQ d handed me a missive, which on being opened turned out to be an mvitation for me and a lady to attend the opening ceremony of the t nk. Me go with a lady after having sworn to stand by and protect the bachelors for ray natural days ! It was well he left before I had read that note. However, I went to sea what all the excitement was about.

There was a great crowd. A’l the elite were thsre in force. A kind-faced old gentleman mado the opening speech. Then the band struck up and out bounded the professor. He looked a good deal like a railway poifcer adiift. He went through a good many antics, some of which are not ,; kely to be instated by the lady rinkers. The band got a little mixed, the>’ - curiosity naturally got the better of them, and their attention was attracted t) the professor’s feet, and not being used to playing the sort of music there written, resolved into what one might imagine a Chinese rondo to sound like. I have seen many a drirakeu man without the aid of rollers make figures that, would k lock the professor ho’low !

After tho professor had finished gyrating, there came a rush of the public, some of whom did not seem over straight, judging by the way they were rolling about on the floor. _ There might be some excuse for them if they had nails in their hoots to trip them up; hut with a prepared floor and everything right I think they are to blame for making themselves such a nuisance. Iu fact, I don’t think they have any right to put on the rollers at all until they fi-’Bt learn how to use them.

Every Now Zealand town has a burning question. Wellington, wind. Christchurch, flatness. Duned'u, rain and Scotchmen. Auckland, mugginess. Blenheim, 00-operative drain. The editor of a paper gets into the confounded drain and flounders about, no v np against one embankment and f ben up against the other, then runs out with th§ flood water, then struggles back against the flow, but until he is thoroughly exhausted he cannot he rescued. Then one of the public bodies gets into it holus-bolus and wriggles and twists about like a bundle of eels with tho’r tails tied. Next you fiud a newspaper correspondent falls into it armed with a dictionaiy, a phrase book, and tho latest edition of the popular lotter writer, and w - hen ho will get out of it is beyond mental calculation ; but seriously, it is nourly time it was drained out.

It is fashionable now to write obituary notices of eminent men before their demise, so that they can read the proof and make alterations to suit, liko our members of Parliament do with Hansard. As thero is now a warlike prince on the imperial threc-logged stool of Germany, the next noble personage to he added to the defunct list will be the Czar. Ho was born during this century, because ho is not yet 80 years of ago. Ho lives in a palace built of ice, and has a very thick cuticle. He has all tho bombs and other warlike missiles tried on himself before ho passes them for army use. He was married, and as his wife is still living, it is generally supposed that he is married still. He is a grand man, and generally eats three meals a day. He suffers from nightmare, and when in this state fancies ho is chasing a lion w T ith India tied to its tail. It is generally supposed that his death will take place when ho wakes up and finds that the King of Terrors has overtaken him.

Our members of Parliament have passed a law to put a set on the Chinese. They did not mind them running the market gardeners out, or driving the diggers off a goldfield, but when it was pointed out that any mau who had a vote for Parliament was eligible for election, they have got their backs up and gone for them in no measured terms. They can stand - the Maori members, as there is something to be made out of them by despoiling them of their land, but the Chinkies know too much for them, and consequently they must he extinguished. Perseverance, frugality, and minding their own business are not traits that our members wish to encou r ago iu any section of our population.

Retrenchment. What a world of meaning than > one word convoys—to the mind of a civil servant. Retrenchment we want, but there is one class of the service that may fairly claim exemption, viz., the post and telegraph. Why I would leave them out is because they earn, and we 1 ' earn all they get, and it is no encouragement after years of service to find yourself coming down the scale instead of going up. They are at the beck and call of the public night and day, and perform their service well, and they might well be left alone when a ll that is to be saved is a few paltry thousands.

Blenheim is a great place entirely for sporting men. Without a gun and a “ dorg ” a man is nowhere. Every Sunday (naughty boys they are) a number go out religiously with there dogs and guns, but there is no appreciable difference in the number of game in the d ! striet, so bags are not good yet, as they have not commenced rabbit poisoning within range of tho town. They never forget the hamper and its concomitants, and rumor saith that they play more havoc with it than with the wary quail and duck. < 1 Sam ” has got so accustomed now to the average shot and has been foiled so often, that it is said he waits with a cartridge iu his mouth, and when he sees the bird sailing away frightened but not hurt, he wags his tail and presents his boss with the cartridge, saying in dog language, “ have another pot.”

If you want to behold a sight 'good for ♦ho eyes go down to the cricket field in the forenoon and see the lightning jerkers turning up the soil. At least that is what they are supposed to he doing. They take it turn about doing a bit of spade work and then sitting on the roller—principally Bitting on the roller.

Burglars { One night lately the watch - man on duty heard sounds of breaking and entering at the south end of the town. Having read of the bloodthirsty proclivities of the burglar class, ho decided that he had better have the aid of the guardian of the peace, so shutting his bull’s eye ho straightway repaired to the rendesvouz and informed the constable of what he had heard. They proceed together to the scene whence the suspicious sounds emanated. Yes, there wai no doubt about it. They listened, then they crept on the marauder, and found th< burglar busy forcing an entrance to the domicile of an oyster. It wa3 our friend of the oyster saloon preparing some bivalves for a couple of hilarious souls !

Epidemics of various kinds run amuck amongst the people, hut there is no fever which emaciates like the gold feTer. Our Jehu who drives on the Kelson road, lately got a bad attack, almost approaching the sago of delirium. livery new report from Mabakipawa made him a cool thousand richer —in his mind. He went to the It M., who prescribed a miner’s right for it. Five shillings. Then he got the Mining Act, and got it off by heart. If you wanted to know what the charge was for a passage to Kelson, out came the Mining Act, and you were in-

formed that you could not take up more than 100 feet or thereabout. While the | fever was at its height he fed his horses ' strictly according to the regulations of the Mining Act. He drove them by the same ! formula therein made and provided. In fact, you could not get him to do anything without bis first consulting the ‘‘Act .to , see that he was strictly within its limits But now he is getting better, and. would | like to convert the R.M.’s prescription into i cash.

Reciprocity is the great bond between nations. We trap and expoit what is i vermin to us—to wit, the rabbits ; and j the Britishers, not to bo outdone in generosity, have formed a company called the , St Giles’ Mission, to trap burglars, ar- j sonites, wife-beaters, &c., on their exit from prison for export to the colonies. But our wary representatives are on the alert to put their foot on it; they are, in ; fact, our weasels and stoats, only it 18 not probable that they would care to dine on the English vernfin. P. Senax. j