ARTEMUS WARD'S FIRST LECTURE.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1524, 26 March 1886, Page 3

ARTEMUS WARD'S FIRST LECTURE.

" Before I ventured to storm the biff cities' said Artemus Ward to me, " I thought I'd take a modest turn in some of the towns and villages up through New Y»>rk State, and I settled to begin at an outiide place called Goihen, and a great cheese and butter depot. My agt'nt was an advertising fiend named John Pi Smith, who stuck at nothing as far as printer's ink was concerned, and was a hit of a wa,' in his way. He promised to do his level hnst to make the lecture a success. \Ve put up at the principal inn and distributed a hatful of free tickets, so as to he mire of a decent crowd in the hall. Well, everything was in readiness and at the last moment 1 sent for Smith, who wa9 to 'tend door. I said, ■ John, I feel shaky and nervous, and I wish, after the people get well in, you'd give Lie a hand now and then to start 'em on.' " ' Leave it to me,' said Smith, encouragingly} 'l'll fix all that.' M At the proper time \ presented myself to the expectant puMic I was rigged out in a white vest and tie, and looked as irsipid as a boiled fowl. I didn't get a hand. Smith was too busy collecting the tickets to look after my entrance, so my send-off was not stimulating. I began my lecture in a slow, measure 1 toue of voice, and you might have beard a cannon ball drop or the Stealing of a pocket-handkerchief. At any rate, they were attentive, I thought; so I let off in due course what 1 considered a joke. They didn't take it. I paused J then went on. By and bye I let off another—same result | then another, and Smith, who had got through his ticket collecting and inserted himself among the people, began to applaud lustily. " My experience of sympathetic city audience* had previously suggested that when someone boldly au-l bravely leads off the app'aute others usually follow, but at Goshen this habit did not obtain. A man well up in the front cried. 'Silence! H--i-s-h !'

" Again I proceeded, and told them a story that mauy a time and oft I had related with screaming success in private circle* Smith thia time aet up a terrible guffaw, stumped and clapped his hands and rocked backward and forward as though he was utterly overcome with my humour. The audience were not to be lured into following His example. "' Silence !' shouted one, "•D-m't interrupt the speaker I * howled another.

"' Turn him out!' roared a third. " And half the audience rose to see who had caused what they thought an unseemly and riotous interruption in the evening's proceedings. A farmerlooking man near Smith had a thick stick in his hand and a menacing look in his eye. I thought he meant buiineai and would go for him, I had

come to a dead stand-still, and my agent saw his opportunity, lie leaned on one of the empty chairs and proceeded to address the audience.

"' Ladies and gentlemen/ shrieked he, 'lama free and enlightened citizen of this glorious Bepublic, and I claim the proud privilege of enjoying Mr Artemus Ward's anecdotes. When I enjoy anything I laugh loud, and when I laugh I make a noise. I cast no reflections on you, my fellow-citizens, but it's clear to me your heads are too thick for Mr Ward's stories to penetrate. I / the rest of the sentence was lost in the confusion that followed. "«Out with him! * "« Who is he V "' Hi! Hi! Pitch him in the pond !

"« Dry up!' " And hundreds of similar observations rent the air. He observed, and, peace being restored, I proceeded. This episode rather amused me, and I fell into my best vein. I told them anecdote after anecdote, story after story, and fired off a fusilade of crisp and biting jests. It was no use. I could not for the soul of me rouse them to any outward expressions of appreciation or enjoyment. Then I felt vexed; at last I grew whimsically vicious in my despair. In for a penny in for a pound, thought I, when I suddenly stopped, and, plaring defiantly at a certain man in the audience, I pointed at him with my index finger, and, looking at my watch said : - "* Ladies and gentlemen, For three-quarters of an hour I have teen trying mv hardest to dig a laush out of you. Up to now I haven't succeeded I don't wish to be personal, but if that man with the red hair and the long nose doesn't laugh soon I shall stop this solemnity and go and bang myself.' "Now, mark the provincal mind," remarked Artemus. "The audience, who had passed over some mighty fine wheezes and a few well-crusted Joe Millers, regarded this allusion to the red-haired man with the long nose as a tremendous local joke, which they thoroughly understood, and they 1 simply howled. It is true I had not i calculated on this combined result of ! audacity and accident; but I felt that the audience had had something for their money, and had not left their homes entirely in vain. " The audience rolled out chattering away, and my faithful J. P. Smith stood at the door to collect opinions.

" • What did they seem to say ?' I asked, when we got to the hotel and were totalling up the receipts. "« Say,' replied Smith ; ' well, I wouldn't like to repeat all I heard, but one man said he guessed you were laughing at them in your sleeve, and that you were a darned fraud anyhow, and pently insinuated that the next time you visited Goshen you'd better have your life insured. Another man said you might be smart enough for some towns, but you wasn't up to the mark for Goshen.' "Here the landlord of the Buck joined us. He seemed a good-natured man, anl I ventured to ask him what he thought of my lecture. " Wall,' said he, with crushing urbanity, while a frank expression danced into his honest blue eyes. " I didn't quite get a grip of what you were preachin' about. You see, I'm not much of a hand for shows and such Ike ; but, by the great United Statrs, when you pointed out that ar' red hair'd rooster with a long beak—wall, I must say I thowt it were the best thing I ever heard in my life.' "