A HUMORIST'S FANCY.

Lyttelton Times, Volume CXVIII, Issue 18599, 29 December 1920, Page 4

A HUMORIST'S FANCY.

ANCIENTS AND MODERNS. How von Id the Ancients get on if they oamo back to earth ? The subject is amusingly discussed by Hinton Gilmore: an American humorist, in “ Cartoons .Magazine.” The thought occurs to me occasionally that, the world would be better off if wo had some of the notables of other ages with us for tho sake of counsel and advice. Sir Isaac.' Newton might give us a little light on the Einstein theory, or the price of apples; Nero could help us reorganise our fire departments and provide some new violin records for the phonograph, while Archimedes could favour us with an interpretation of the Lever act. But it is probably better as it is—the old timer inay be happier because lie sticks beyond tho Styx. Sir Walter Raleigh, wore he living to-day. would hesitate a long time before throwing down his new cravonetto cloak for Queen Elizabeth to walk over dry shod on, despite the mud beneath. Walter has just liad bin cloak cleaned and pressed and lias paid a tailor oiglit dollars to put on & now braid, so as to make it last another season. On his wav to business, ho roads in the morning paper that tho editor of the “Apparel Estimator” predicts that clothing wil be higher next winter, in tho Very next column, Walt has observed that the cleaners are striking for more of the filthy lucre, while the dyers want a.living wage. Saturated with these ideas, he makes his way across town and rushes up to the palace to figure with the steward on the cigar stand concession and meets the Queen going across the street for a- vanilla Boda. He sees that sho has just had a fifteen-cent shine and is about to step into a puddle of mud where a taxicab driver has jokingly'chased a pedestrian up on the sidewalk. Well, Walt takes in the situation at a. glance; he thinks of the expense of having his cloak cleaned and pressed again, and, economic pressure getting the better of his gallantry, instead of saving tho queen the expense of .another shine ho goes on about his business and later in the day writes a scathing letter to tho department of streets. ‘ Take Julius Gcsar, a good man in his time and a. pretty fair campaigner, so far as I was ever able to determine from reading an easy key to the Commentaries, which lie carelessly couched in a language with which I could never establish an intimacy. But he would find it all much different to-day. In the first place, he would hardly be permitted to write bis own newspaper reports of the various battles, but would have to submit to being Interviewed by reporters, who would not only misquote, but probably spell his name incorrectly. No, it is far bettor that Julius sleeps on undisturbed than for him to ppy an enterprising newsbov three cents to learn that “Junius K. Sneazer,. formerly a second lieutenant in the artillery in the campaign against tho Gallic tribes, blew into town to-day on the northbound flyer and is registered at tho Holly House. Lieutenant Sneazer won considerable renown during the campaign by wiring to the home office that he had crossed the Rubycorn, which was a, river on .the Gallic boundary. On another occasion, Lieutenant Sneazer wired: ‘The die is cast.’ Tho dispatch caused boidc excitement at the time, and finally led to the appointment of a congressional committee to investigate the prevalence of crap-shooting among tho soldiers-”

I; doubt very much whether Cleopatra would be happy in this day and age. She was much in the public eye in a forgotten century, anti a straw vote taken in the hoy*dev of her career pronounced her to be the most beautiful woman In Egypt. It is better that sho rest on. It would bo a matter of regret if she could see bow much of the vamp stuff she overlooked in her day, if she could drop into a picture show at the Ely si an or the princess or the Alhambra. There, for thirtynine cents, including war tax, she could see enough , in six reels to give her ideas that never occurred to’ her in the bygone existence. And when she would be told that a Los Angeles vampire draws a salary around the million mark, Cleopatra would feel downcast. “ To think,” she would doubtless muse, “that my Mark and I put on otir show and didn’t reserve the ’movie rights!” Sleep on, Cleopatra! You wouldn’t be happy here.'now! Even your fine stunt of letting the snake bite you isn’t worth-while, for there isn’t any snake medicine any more Go back as far as you like and the result is the same. Even the Greeks of ancient mvthology wouldn’t shine much better than the modern ones do. Apollo, going down day after day to hie labours in the short order restaurant, would he eliagrincd beyond words by the handsome young man in the collar advertising. His re-incarnation would be robbed, of its sweetest thoughts by the vain regret that when he (Was going so well hack in the .ancient days, they had neither street cars

nor collars, and the union suit hnd not: been invented. Poor Apollo in his belvidoros would create no excitement now. The long-legged hoys from tho ’universities have grabbed the good positions in the advertising columns and tbe best that Apollo could do would be to get a job advertising stout garments for robust men of middle age. You were, all right, Apollo, back in tbe days when Athens was tho county seat; in those forgotten times you werfe the Candy kid, but to-day, you’d merely be a confectionery clerk. Horatius, who held the bridge against a whole army, would find conditions disappointing in this fair land to-day. Back in the old days, when they used to sit around in the Roman gloaming, with the Roman candles faintly gleaming in the candelabra, Horatius was much talked of by all who knew him personally, or had read of his exploits in the county newspaper.

It was considereqd a big undertaking to hold back an army, using merely one's own personal determination and a broadsword that bad been used around the house for chopping kindling and was prptty badly nicked in spots by the nails carelessly left in the soap boxes. Yet Horatius did all that. Keeping tbe army in check, be stopped a passing pedestrian and sent him around to the delicatessen for a cheese sandwich and kept right on bolding tbe enemy at bay at tbe point of the bayonet. Times change, though, and Horatius should consider himself lucky that he lived in an age when such an exploit was considered noteworthy. Alive today, Horatius would stand amazed at the way a traffic officer can hold a thousand motor-cars at hay, armed with nothing more than a clean whito glovo and a soiled vocabulary. He would wither up from self-pity and long for tho quiet splendour of his sarcophagus on the Appian Way. And so it goes, right on down through history and into the Congressional Record. Even our own John Smith, whoso popularity is attested by the fact that here and there one runs across an occasional namesake, would feel out of place in our modern civilisation. It would be a source of pain to him to see how rapidly the Browns are gaining on the Smiths, anti to contemplate the astounding multiplication of the Jones’, or the Joneses, iu case you don’t care to fool with the apostrophe. He might enjoy it with us for a while calling on the numerous direct lineal descendants of Pocahontas and being made an honorary chieftain of the Flathead reservation, but it wouldn’t be very long before somebody introduced him to a Mr Smythe, and then he would look back and blame Powhatan for not being clubby when he had a chance, away back in the days beforo the old colonial mansions began coming from Bay City. History may stutter a little and occasionally repeat itself, but luckily for all concerned, historical characters do not. It is bettor thus. Alexander the Great, come back to earth in this modern day, would have a hard time doing anything with baseball. King Arthnr would have to leave his round table and help himself in tho cafeteria. Lucrezia Borgia would ffie up against it in competition with home brow, and the Man in the Iron Mask couldn’t do anything without a chest protector, j “ Sic gloria transit.” as they, say in; Rome, Georgia, or in simpler terms : 11 Tempus fidgets!”