JUST NONSENSE

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXVI, Issue 3445, 19 March 1932, Page 4 (Supplement)

JUST NONSENSE

A LITTLE LAUGHTER NOW AND THENTROUBLE AHEAD. Employer: Do you mind if I phone your last employer and verify the references he gave you? Application for position of typist: No, I don't care what you do so long, as you don't ask his wife. ***** Wife (reading about a police court case): It says, "The prisoner, when arrested, struggled to retain a small blue bottle he had in his waistcoat pocket." Unimaginative Husband: Good heavens, a blue bottle! What a queer pet! .** * * * An old countryman settled in the city. On looking over his grocer's bill he occasionally found charges like the following: " lib. tea—to lib. ditto." " Wife," said he, " this 'ere's a putty business. I should like to know what you have done with so much of this 'ere ditto." " Ditto, ditto," replied the old lady; " never had a pound of it in the house in my life." So back went the ex-fisherman in high dungeon that he should have been charged for things he had never l'eceived.

"Mr Brown," he said, "I won't stand this. Wife says she hain't had a pound of ditto in the house in her life."

The tradesman thereupon explained the meaning of the term, and the old man went home satisfied. His wife inquired if he had discovered* what ditto meant. " Yes," said he; " it means that T am an old fool, and you're ditto." * * * • WHY NOT GOLDENRODS? A Scotsman invited to a golden wedding was toM that each guest would be expected to bring a golden. present. He took a gold fish. *** ■ * Russian (on the telephone): Hello;. is this you - Dvrstishigorensilvertratezni? ■ "No, it's Voldisgnikisfnisinvjklinski.. Who is this speaking?" " Grasuiskivitchnzkzifgli. I want' to know if Tchawskivingski is with you? " -:•-:.■ * * * . * *--..•;■£•-'' An enterprising coal dealer, somewhat prone to air his alleged knowledge on every possib'e occasion, had' the following printed on his business cards: "Coal delivered a la carteor coal de sac." Novice: Why on earth didn't you watch where my ball was going? Caddie: Because I didn't think it was going anywhere, sir. ***** Hubby Jones: I see that Witenham, who died the other day, left his wife half a million. How would you like to be his widow? Wifey Jones: Now, dear, you know I wou'd rather be yours. ***** A medical man had promised to play bridge with three friends, but at the appointed hour he arrived hurriedly to say: " I'm sorry I shan't be able to come for about an hour. I've got a case of angina coming in immediately. "Well," said the host cheerily, " bring it along with you, and we'll help to drink it." • *****

First Shipwrecked Sailor: What are you going to do, Pat? Second Sailor: Sure, I'm going to swim ashore to save meself first, and then I'll come back and save you, Dennis. *****

Henderson: I've heard you would rather play golf than eat; I wonder your wife puts up with it. Perkinson: Oh, she doesn't mind-;, she'd rather play bridge than cook. ***** Johnny's Ma: Johnny, there were three pieces of cake in the pantry, and now there is only one. How did that happen? Johnny: Well, it was so dark in there I didn't see the other piece. * * * * A teacher had to reprove a scholar for bad conduct. " Sammy," he said solemnly, " I'm afraid I shan't meet you in the * Better Land.' " "Why, teacher," replied the boy, "whatever have you been up to late'.y," * * * * Beggar: Spare me a copper. I have a sick wife and six children at home. Photographer: I cannot give you anything, but bring the wife and children along to-morrow, and I will photograph them free. * * * *

WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT. " I don't take tips, sir! " " Our prices are reduced." "Things were much better in onr day." "I shan't want a holiday this year, sir". " May I offer you my seat, miss ? " The editor will be pleased to accept your contribution." " I never criticise the Government." "Yes, we've had our cook six years." " I think she is better looking than I am, dear." * * * » THE WORM. Teacher: What is your father's occupation, Joe? Joe: He's a worm imitator. Teacher: What is that? Joe: He bores holes in furniture for an antique dealer.