Miscellaneous

Hawke's Bay Herald, Volume XXX, Issue 10017, 15 June 1895, Page 5

Miscellaneous

THAT FRIGHTFUL LIAR FROM PITTSBURG, PA., ONCE MORE. By C. J. Cdtcliffb Hyne,

The Patriotio Briton was knotting his forehead up into chunka and doiug all he knew to relate some marvel whioh would redound to the glory of these islands. He was a fisherman, certainly, and no amatenr at the art of romanoe ; but the circumstantial facts which the individual from Pittsburg, pa., rolled out with such truthful case were too much for him. He could not come up to time, ' and consequently our visitor got in two tftles in succession. "Speakin' of dogs," he began in hia moßt deliberate drawl, " reminds mo of an lnoonvenience that overtook the man aa bred Washy ; one of the curioueeat things eyes was ever fixed on. "He waa a man mnch respeoted, Webster M. Scholberg by name, and one of the first locitora of Vaeellueville, whar' he lived an' got his bein'. Dogrearer he was by trade, an' a dentist ; likewise running for sheriff in '79 ; and he lived on a twenty-acre lot, whioh waa hi* by pnrchan» to have nn' to hold for ever an' ever an' ono day more.

"But when prospectors began to strike ile all around him, Wobater M. Soholburg began to be consoomed with envy and coveteonaness, nn' bo he had a bore-hole pushed through his bit of ground, and sketched out a European tower to run through when he'd made hia pile You ace, then, he oonoludod it was a safe olnoh. "But though the drill went cbwn well-nigh to the roof of the wicked place, gentlemen, and Webster M. was all but cleaned out thereby, nary drop of ile did they smell. Aud bo the rods

was packed up and soDt off, and the

derrick pulled down, an' an old door was shoved over the business end of tho hole. To ease the disappointment, Webster M. and Bismarck W., hla son, took to Bourbon in kegsful. " But one' day, when Webater M.

Scholberg was sleepin' off his wbiaky

atop of that old door (whioh was his favorite cooling spot)they started firing nitroglycerine down another well near by whioh ao convulsed the bow'la of the yeartb, that bis borehole began to kinder squeak and grumble.

"The ole man heard it, but paid no particular attention. But then there came a noise like a better sort of earthquake, and afore Webster M. oould nhift off 'n that door, he was hia ted by a Btream of ile two hundred and fifty foot sliok up in the air. An* thar he stuck like a blowed egg atop of a fountain in a shootin' gallery.

" Bismarck hears the din, aud comes stampedin 1 out of the house to find out what's along ; but when he catohes sight of the ole man up there on the door he thinkß it's the horrors he's got on him again, an' lets a shriek out of him l'ke a steam whistle, an' oavorts away^fo the woods like a coyote when there's guns about.

" Some neighbours drove up in a bupsty to Bee what's along, an' after thej?jd cut chanulls in tho ground so's the ile might run into the reservoir and

not be wasted, they got down on oheera which they fetched from the house, and ohewed reflectively, and waited for that spout to stop. But the nowa was beginnln' to spread, an' excursion trains was comin' into the Vaaellneville deepo cb fast es they could he run. So the neighbors turned all atrangerg (except prcsamen) out of tho lots which was

adjacent, and charged a quarter admission for every adult, ten cents for

children, with a redaction to complete Sunday-schools of all persuasions, thereby netting a matter of eight thousand four hundred and tifty-two dollars seventy-five cents. '' Ah, no ; Btop a mlnnto, gentlemen I lied to yon there. It waa only seventy cents, beoause someone had passed in n. trouser-button for a niokel. I'm glad I remembered to tell you that, because, if you'd found it out youraelves, it might have damaged my reputation for veraoity. "There's no satisfying aome peoplo, and "Webster M. Soholberg wasn't happy up there atop of his pillar of ilo. The neighbours promisod to sharo profits of the exhibition with him, and told him ho was an improving, educating spec taole. But he said he'd no use for that sort of firework ; besidos, having a delicate chest, ho waa afraid of gettln' a quinsy, whiob all his family was addicted to.

" There was a man es kept a ballon es wanted to take the ole feller off 'n his peroh, but tho others got out their guns an' allowed they'd let daylight into him ef he tried ; an' so they compromised matters. They fixed up a bottle of old Bourbon and a can of Ohioago beef on the tail of a kite, and victualled him that way, chargin' apectatora double prices at feedin' timo, because that was naturally tho moßt iuoproviugeat part of the show.

"An 1 , gentlemen, ef you'll believe mo, when that spout of He weakened, and they put up a ladder and took Webster M, Scholberg- down, the 010 man had got that fat by being fed bo miicd, that all hia olothos had busted offon him, and he waa almost aa naked ss a new firo-briclr.' "