LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE

Hawera Star, Volume LIII, 10 March 1934, Page 12

LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE

JOKES AND SHORT STORIES TOLD BY ‘THE JESTER” The celebrity was placed next to a very talkative and inquisitive lady, who bored him excessively with her questions. “Tell me, won’t you, what was your greatest ampition as a edild, and have you attained it?” she asked. The celebrity looked at. her sadly and •said: ‘(‘Madam, I regret to sav I have never attained my boyhood ambition.” “And vhat was it? ’’ “Madam, my great ampition was to throw’an egg into an electric fan!” * * * * * ; The old chap was simply full of the | joy of living. He must speak to somebody. Stopping a passing Boy Scout, he remarked, “'Well, sonny, and have i you done a good deed this day?” I “Yes, sir,” replied the lad. “I saved a canary’s life.” “Good!” said the old man. “How did you accomplish that'?” “I killed the cat!” ***** The visitor had taken rooms at the hotel, and just as he was signing the visitors’ book a little insect hopped on to the page Ho laid down his pen and told the clerk that lie couldn’t stay there. | When asked the reason he answered, pointing to the intruder: “Well, it’s bad enough when those little beggars attack you in the night, but when they come to see the number of your room it’s a bit too thick! ” * * *

IBrown: ATI your (fingers bound up! What have you been doing? Smith: I bouglht my wife a potato peeler and when she said she couldn’t make it work I had to show her how simplo it was! # # * * *

(Little Doris had been rude to one of the guests, and mother was reprimanding her for her lapse. “You know, Doris,” she said with feeling, “I’ve tried so hard to make you a good little girl. I’ve taught you to be polite and kind, and yet, in spite of my efforts, look what has happened ”

“Oh, mother,” said Doris, deeply moved, “what a failure you are!”

“I say, Joan,” said the young man, full of' confidence, “I’ve just been thinking how jolly it would be if we two get married. Any objections? “Dough,” replied the young lady at once.

He reached for his hat and made for the door.

“iH’m,” he replied, “I might have known you’d have thought of that snag first.”

He departed into the night, while she, poor girl —with a cold in her head —wondered why he left when she had accepted him. * tfr * * *

'At the party the charming maiden and the handsome young man -had been playing one of those old-fashioned games with forfeits, and the girl had been ordered to give the .young man ten kisses. “Let’s see,” she said, pausing for breath, “that’s seven, isn’t it?” ‘(‘■Only six,” he corrected. “Seven, I think.” “No, six. ’’ ‘ ‘.Seven! ’ ’ “Six!” “Look i.iere,” said the girl, wearily, “sooner than have an argument, we’d better start all over again.” * * * * * The lirtle church was full, but the marriage ceremony seemed in danger of being stopped, for the bridegroom was deaf and could not hear and could not hear the important question: “Wilt thou have this woman for .thy lawful wedded wife?” “Eli,” said the deaf man. The clergyman raised his voice: Wilt thou have this woman for thy lawful wedded wife?

This seemed to annoy the bridgegroom. “Oh, I don’t- know,” he said. “She isn’t so awful. I’ve seen worse than her that didn’t have half as much I money.” ***** A speaker, engaged to lecture in a small town -in the Midlands, arrived in the afternoon. The place seemed but poorly provided with bills, and -he thought he would find out if people knew anything at all about what was |in -store for them. Accordingly he on-

tered a grocer’s shop. “Good afternoon!’’ he said to the man behind the counter. “ Any entertaining going on here to-night? Anything that will help me to while away an evening?” The shopkeeper gazed at his interrogator, wiped his hands, and then replied slowly—- “ Well, I expect there’s going to be a lecture. I’ve been soilin’ eggs all day.” [Five-year-old Dorothy, perched on her father’s knee in the very crowded tram-car, peered hard at the stout, very gaudily dressed individual as she bustled and edged herself into the only available seat. Dorothy continued to stare, and then after a while she turned to her mother. “Mummy,” she said in loud tones, “it’s a lady!” “ S-sh, dear!” scolded the parent angrily. “We know it is.” The small child looked hurt. “But, mummy,” she said, “you .just said to daddy, ‘What’s this object coining in?”' ' ****•»

One night a man in a car was run down at the tevel-crossing. Consequently the old signalman in charge had to appear in court. After a gruelling cross-examination he was still unshaken. He said he waved his lantern frantically, but all to no avail.

The following day the superintendent of the line called him into his office. “You did wonderfully well yesterday, Tom,” he said. “I was afraid at •first that you might waver.” “No, sir,” replied Tom, “not as long as that lawyer didn’t ask me whether my lantern was lit.” »'* * • * Jane, the maid, tapped timidly on the professor’s study door and entered. “Gentleman in the hall wishes to speak to you, sir,” she said. The professor looked up from his book. “Tell him I'm out, Jane,” he said brusquely. Jane shrugged her shoulders hopelessly. “I did, sir,” she replied, “but he won’t go.’” “What!” ejaculated her master angrily. “.Send him into me and I will tell him mvself-”