ADVICE GRATIS

Hawera Star, Volume XLVII, 17 March 1928, Page 7

ADVICE GRATIS

Something xveijt wrong with the onlines of the -Southern Star between Port Elizabeth and Cape Town. She had to be towed into Table Bay, and the experts who were called in estimated that it would take a. fortnight to put matters right The chief engineer used strong language when he told the captain, ami. the captain used stronger; hut the first officer, who was enviably young and alarmingly big, and surprisingly Scotch, flung down his cap on the navigation deck and danced round it. “Fourteen days!” lie chortled. “Wliat the devil —.“ the captain roared: and then remembered that lie himself was young once and began to grin. “T suppose,’ ’ he suggested, “it’s that little gal we brought along from Durban, eh? Pick up your cap, you great fool!’’ The first officer picked up bis cap and dusted it on his sleeve a.s a mere matter of form, it was not possible to acquire dirt upon the decks of the Southern Star.

“If a chap knew liow to go about it,” he remarked, “he might get some way with a girl in fourteen days. ” “In fourteen hours,” the captain declared, “he might get the whole way, up to and including .engagement; if he’s the right chap and she’s the right gal!” “Here!” the first officer protested. “He’d want more than fourteen hours to make up his mind.” “You might. McPherson.” the captain said, “being el the same race as vour name. 1 didn't.”

“How long?” the first officer inquired. “Can’t say to a minute.” the captain owned," “but I’ll give you a log of the run as near as I can. Not to say that it’s for example. 1 was firstofficer on the old Dunotter Castle when I ran across my allotment. It was at a hop in' Southampton, and we were sailing the next morning. Introduced 9.5. Began to contemplate matrimony about 9.30; to seriously contemplate it just alter 10. Made up mv mind somewhere between 10.30 and 11.30. Proposed 11.55.” “Two hours and fifty minutes!” the first officer calculated admiringly. “She accepted you after that!” “She didn’t.” the captain denied.

“Thought she hadn’t known me long enough. Well, that’s what she .said. What a woman thinks is her secret — when she knows herself. Generally doesn't She had several other reasons. That it was a Friday was one of ’em. However, she woudn't alter at 12.15. She didn’t mention disliking me as one bf the reasons. So L saw no need to give in to her prejudices. Next morning I couldn’t go ashore, but I sent her a note hv a boy after breakfast.” ‘You’ve known me twelve hours now. Will you marrv me?”

“She sent back a note that site was greatly honoured, and had as friendly feelings to me as was compatible with our short acquaintance. The missus always liked long words, and plenty of ’em! But. she regared it as premature to contemplate anything further at present, although she hoped to meeet me again upon my return, and meanwhile wished me the best of luck.

“I thought this read quite friendly and encouraging. So I sent her another note at eleven.” ‘You have known me fourteen hours now. The good luck I want is you. Will you marry me?’ “She wrote back that I mium’t bo so silly, but I might call directly 1 returned. She put a P.S. I can give you a tip now, but I didn’t know it myself then. Always read woman's P.S.‘s , first'! Hers ran like this; ’There is no else at present, and I don't expect there- will he. So do not worry, but you are sure to change your mind.’

“That obviously required an answer. So I sent another note.” ‘Shall not change my mind. Pit\ u poor beggar who can't go ashore, and come just to say, good-bye as a friend.’ “That was an artful wheeze—the ‘as a friend.' Did her in. Kind-hearted beggar my old allottmcnt. t'aminc on at one precisely. Hcally didn’t think she could,’ at 1.5. At 1.15 1 g-ot her quietly into the yir.st-elass saloon alleyway; threatened to worry myself into a lunatic on the voyage if she didn’t promise. So she decided to keep me out of the asylum. The great thing wijth a woman i.s persistence. They’re a persistent sex themselves, and like it!”

“I'll persists all right,” the first officer declared; “once 1 begin; but she might peisist, too, in refusing .1 don’t understand girls: never gone in for ’em. Arid I'm not a good-looking man like you captain, if 1 may say it without offence.”

"We aio a.s we are made.” the captain said, with modesty, and without offence. "Your re not so bad, McPherson. You're big, anyhow, and they like that.”

“I’m big enough.” the first officer agreed; “but I’m afraid she won't think I'm class enough. She's such a Jit Civ iadv; brims over with accom-pli-shiiiciiks —music, painting, and all that. She knows a lot <>t things I don't.”

“There’ll lie things you know all about, and (site doesn't,” the captain pointed out. “Some of 'em best not. perhaps! But you can talk to her about the others They ought to impress her! The thing with a woman is to make an impression. They like a good outside show. Look at the wax’ they dress up! Take some subjectthat you know frpm A to Z —' “I don't seem to know anything furfhat about .F.” the first, officer confessed. “Then make out you do; ■•liance your arms a bit! She won’t- know further than about If. if you choose rlie right thing.” “I’ll try it to-night,” the first officer decided. “She’s coining on to have dinner xvith old Airs Duncan; and Alfa. Duncan L going to ask me to see her home. I’ve squared that. .1. don’t knoxt how a chap like me can impress a giri like her. though. II isn’t as if I were a clever man like you. if xoit’ll pardon the liberty.” “I never take offence at an honest opinion.” the captain stated. “Of course, ‘impress' is what everyone can’t do: but -say interest.' You must interest her: show her that you know someThirtg—if you mug it up this afternoon!”

"That.’' the young man said, "is what I’ll do."

“You'll be all right,'" the captain (•heeied him. “All you wanted was a little good advice. ’

It wits nearly midnight when the first officer returned from seeing Miss IVv a Tom.in.son home. The captain, who was leaning against the handrail, apparently admiring the Southern Cross, hut really wishing that other stai;s were over him, turned alien the \otm'gcr man reached the top deck. ' “Well''" he asked. “What impression'” ~ “Didn't seem to make .any, Hit ird officer informed him disconsolately. “And l went all out. 100. Never missed like it in my life. \ou wouldn have believed it was in me. bounded .ike a lecturer. Once or twice 1 almost got poetic. But she was only boiecl still ~ Twice ' [ caught her yawning, and’several other times she put up her handkerchief. I wti-sn t sure that was .awning, but I hadn’t much doubt about it. 1 don’t see bow l can interest her in anything, if I can’t in terest her in ‘the stars. “Stars!” the captain almost veiled. “Good heavens! You don’t mean to tell me that- you talked to her about stars! Man. she’s been brought up on them. “McPherson —” He laid his hand solemnly on the first olticer’s sleeve —-“she’s the onlj dnughtei of the After lunch the next day, the first officer dressed with such scnipmous care as to attract attention. Old Johnson, the eminent K.C., who was travelling in the ship, encountrecl him as he was going off. and rallied him about it. ... , • I “Wedding or garden party.' he inquired. .. . | “Svmphouv concert. lie slated. “Oh-ho!” ’ said old Johnson. “bo von go in for symphony concerts, do von. young man?” “Not in a general way,” the young man admitted. "in tact what is a svmphouv concert, Mr. Johnson-' ’ ' • j<;h—well—band. Superior band. The iirst officer groaned. •If there’s one thing .1 bate, ’ he seated, “it's a band.” ; • Then why are you going.

“Well ... )'r ,\ou must konw ... someone 1 know said she was going. Minht meet her going in, or coming out I'll catch her coming out all ,-irrht! She told me that she could nel er like a man who didnt care lor <r o od music. I’m going to make myreil stick it out, anyway. OnfY got lo .sit and look soulful. And rush out sharp when it’s over and 'catch her. 1 m right at walking home alter symphony conc-er is!” “With luck.” old Johnson encouraged him. ‘‘von might get asked in to tea. 11 Aon take my advice, you’d man who' gets in to tea sometime hang on right up to the do-or. Ine maimges to stop on to dinner I’ll expo l you back about, eleven! llie first officer arrived aboard again at 5.40. . “Didn’t get invited to tea then.' Mr. Johnson suggested. “What do \on think of symphony concerts ? ’ “.Symphony concerts, the first oi- , ioer‘ nlurteU out, “are hell! Worse t,lan that! You’d keep awake there.

Eh!” . , ... v\ell, you kuow what its like —

“Hell?” . , , . , “No. Symphonies. They don t have a ll v tune." only go on, and on. and go on' You keep thinking ‘this must be the end’; and it isn’t. When Id finished all ‘The advertisements in the piw ram me 1 tried counting, I reinem-tfer-"that, l’ got to 1,575—0 r it might have been 1675 1 lost myself once or twice and wasn’t sure about the hundreds'. Drowsy. Anyhow__J lost myself between something —to and something —76, because 1 tried to say 7(3 when the old lady who sat next woke me. She said, “I’m alraid you don't appreciate Brahms. - What are i r.ilims. Air. Johnson?” “Brahms.” said Air. Johnson gravely. is the name of a great composer. “Then down goes a black mark against him!”•- cried -the first officer. “He's the beggar that did me ill You see she was nearer the door than 1 was. and she got too much start before the old lady woke me.”

Alter dinner the first officer was starting off again, when the Purser -atopped him. , . . . “Some attraction?” he inquired.

-You shut up!” • •There's a nasty temper. And I was. just going to give you.a hint." •What:' Do you know where shell he to-night;'” • | thought .she might he going somewhere alter dinner,” the first officer explained. “They dine later than we do and if 1 happened to see her come 01l t —I was going to hang around her house, to ted the truth. What’s the hint?” , . . .veil, the girl’s good class, my S °"She's a class by herself,” the first ollicer said firmly. •• I'mph ! What I means is that her pi oj)le might think that a merchant .cl-v ice officer wasn’t quite up to her ighting weight; not able to keep her (kv.entlv. don’t you know. If i were you. J'd let her—or her people— know .1 that legacy your aunt left you. Four thousand odd. wasn t it.-'’ •'That’s it. Might be a good tiling to tell her about it. eh”’ ••ll' von do it sensibly. 01 course, you won’t go and blurt out ‘l’ve got lo r thousand pounds.' \oii II lead , p to it. - i i What." the first oflicer asked, •‘would he a good way to lead up to it r"" . >. • •Well, vim might sigh several times; lill she asks, ‘What are you sighing or. Mr. M Pheivson ” Then you II say. ‘Was I sighing!-'’ ” ••You saiH I was to he sighing. .11 | wasn't she wouldn't ask. •Ye.-, vest but you make out it was unconscious. And .she’ll say. Such a lioavv sigh:” And you’ll say. ‘lt was 11 iv poor Aunt’s birthday. She was so fond of me: left me all that she loo! ’ She’ll get inquisitive then. Women are nosey little beggars. So you 1 h ,i| work in the amount, amt mention that von arn’t touching the principal, hut accumulating it at compound interest—compound, mind you, urtil von get married. Oh!' says she, •You "mean to get married then Mr. McPherson:” If you can’t push, on from there, iny. hoy, you’re a chump. •If I get as far. as that.' the first officer thought. “L ought to be all right : and if I am. when I come back, I’ j I jisk you to drink to me. and —he blushed—“and—er— her!” •How about my drink." the Purser inquired when the first oflicer came back in the moonlight.

“You can have a drink.” the- first officer said g.oomily. “Several drinks, if you like. I shall. I expect I shall take to it. 'J here’s nothing else leit.” He sighed heavily. “Whatl' Wouldn’t she have you?”

v 1 didn't get so far as to ask her. It didn’t work out quite right——l thought at first my luck was in.. She did come out, and she let me go for a walk with her; in the parky sort of a place up by ‘The Mount Nelson.’ AVliat the devil do they call it? Wed. I don’t care. 1 don’t care what they call anything now. J worked it up as yon said as far as the sighing; but she wouldn’t ask what I was sighing for. So I had to tell her if she wanted to Know. She said she didn’t. ‘Well,’ I told her, ‘it was for my aunt. She's dead. She left me £4,308 7s -Id At least that’s wliat is came Lo- after paying the duties, and I've got a list- c» them, il you'd like to see it—‘ And then she asked me if I’d gone mad!” “And had von?” the Purser inquired.

“Might have been a bit excited.” lie owned. “It brought in £248 KJs 7d last war.' I told her. ‘I keep carel in account, because I’m saving it up fill I get married. It ought to make my income enough lor Uia-c, because my salary is—’ ”

“Yoii were mad!” the Purser declared. “No sane man tells his wife what he gets.” “She won’t be; and I didn't finish Lolling her. She got in a perfect furv. wanted to know whether J thought I was going to buy a wife like a sack •of coals with my two hundred and ten pounds eight and seven ’* “You said two-fortyeight and ——” “Yes. yes! She’d got it wrong. I told her" that she was thinly-eight pounds two shillings short. She said I'd better buy myself some sense with that J”

“It mightn't go far enough.” the Purser thought. “She said that, too! She said a lot of things—” “If y-ou were married she'd say a lot more.” “Daresay. I'd like to chance it. She said .she "would never speak to me ! again. She said that about six times.” “Then,” the Purser consoled him, “she couldn’t have meant it the first five times! All you’ve got to do is to get over the sixth. When you see her to-morrow —” “She said she wouldn’t let me.” “Oh, girls say all sorts of things. I tell you what, McPherson. You talk to old Miis. Duncan and get her to wangle it for you. Now about that drink.” The first officer confided in kind old Mrs Duncan the next morning.; -suggested that she might cail on the young lady and explain things, and intercede for him. “I don’t tiiink that would he a wise thing to do.” she protested. “She might- think it was cowardly of you to send someone else. \\ hat girls like above everything in a man is courage.” “I've got courage enough,” he claimed. “ Then go and call and explain yourse If.” •But;” lie said. “I haven’t courage enough for that! Only courage enough to tackle a man, or a"lion, or anything of that sort, not her.” “finpli!” said : the old lady. “I don’t see lion - to find von a noli.” “No-o,” lie agreed. “But —.she said something about going to the lair tonight. I shall he about in case anyone annoys her, or anything of that sort. I’d soon tackle him.” "Yes,” Mrs. Duncan agreed. “I'm Mire. But I (shouldn’t wait until she was actually annoyed. They’re dreadmlly well behaved to ladies here, you see!. Still, a fair is always a trifle iowdy. 11 she isn’t escorted, why not go up to her and offer your protection?”

“Bv Jove!” He nibbed bis hands. “That’s an idea!” The first officer came home that night with considerable facial damage, including a black eye. Airs. Duncan -screamed when she saw him in the morning. “What!” she cried. “You did have to protect Miss Tomlinson!” “No-o,” he said. “it wasn't that exactly. You see, nobody did anything to protect her from. I couldn’t get a decent excuse to offer to do it even, though I followed her round for two hours. Never came across such a '(■unfoundedly decent crowd. Even in tlie boxing tent nobody said a word to her. She Went in there with another girl. So, ol course, I did. There was a big boxer chap—Alighty Alike they called him —who challenged tiny chap to stand up to him xvith the gloves for a couple of rounds Nobody would. So I thought I'd show my courage that way;, and I got up and said 1 I’d have a go at him. I’m a tidy good boxer. He was tidier! But I was bigger and stronger. My! We made the fur fly! I lasted out the two rounds —till we broke the rope near the end of the second, and the proprietor stopped it. Mind you, Alike was a good chap, mot a fake, and I caught it hot once or twice. T didn’t care about tliat. but as I was going out. just behind her, I heard her talking to the other girl. She said it- was* perfectly disgraceful, a ship’s officer behaving like that. Captain said something bf the same kind thus morning: more words to it. ‘For the credit of the ship,’ he says, ‘don’t go ashore while your face is like that’; I shouldn’t, of course.” He sighed. “I might ask her aboard to tea,” .Mrs. Duncan murmured, “hut—.’’

“I'd have to keep out of her way,” lit* said. “My looks aren’t great at any time, and if she saw me like this —! Of course I knew all along that I wasn’t good enough, for her; and I’d never get her xmless T could humbug* her into thinking that I was . . . Seems to me it isn’t fair to try and wangle her into having a chap that isn't lit to tie her little shoelaces. Best thing 1 can do for —for the little girl —is not to worry her any more. Mind you. I’d try to he more the sort she xx’ants if I knew xvlmt that was. but I don’t, and no one seems able to advise me.” "There’s only one person who can,” Mrs Duncan declared. “Who's that?” he asked quickly. “Eva henseifl” “A*ii!” lie said. “J see wliat you mean. I -ought to have gone along quietly and found out what she wanted ... I would have, hut —you see, the captain told me you could do it in about 14 hours. He thinks everyi.ody’s like he is: hut even lie took Li;. Anyhow, I’ve disgusted her now. Slit* knows I’m no good sit music. Thar alone cuts me; and. besides, 1 upset her about my money that, my aunt left me; and she didn’t approve of my boxing; and she fold me aboard that 1 was dreadfully Scotch.’ J couldn’t hax'e altered that, you know. The long and short of it is that she doesn’t like me; and there’s no reason why she should, except—well, nobody else could like her as much a.s I do. However, I’m not- going to be a nuisance to her. Liu might just give her a hint that I see I m not good enough tor her. and shun t worry liei any more; and she needn't he afraid to come on to see you, because I’ll

keep right out of the way.” “Poor boy!" said old Mrs Duncan •If I might advise you —”

“Thank you, ma’am,” he declined sturdily, “but I've made a mess of itevery time I’ve taken advice; and I'll never listen to any more; unless it's to hang myself. I’m too big a 100 l lor her; but that doesn’t stop me from —from —feeling a bit —cut. up. thank you, ma’am. ’ tie went oil hastily. “Poor boy,” Mrs Duncan muttered, watching his big back. “J think i must see .... What a dear young donkey the giant is!” lu the afternoon the first officer, who was upon tiie ship's promenade reading, saw Miss Eva Tomlinson coming across the quay with Mrs. Duncan. He gathered his book and pipe and to-bacco-pouch, and rushed upon the navigation deck out of her wav;, sat there and tried Lo read, but could not .ix his mind on anything except the fact that- the object of Ins adoration was so near and yet so far. He could hear her talking as she walked up and down the promenade deck with her hostess. sometimes she exon laughed . . . Possibly that was be cause slie was telling Airs. Duncan about him. . - lie gritted his teeth, held to. his chair to keep himself in it. Unseen forces seemed to be trying to draw him out towards her. He put his hands on his ears to shut out the magnetic voice .... And then a hand touched his shoulder. Jle looked up and saw her. Bhc laughed rather unsteadily; shook her head reprovingly at him.

“You don't deserve me to come and speak to you, do you?” she asked. “No. L—of course I seem a fool,

but —” “Why the ‘seem’? Aren’t- you going to offer me a chair?” “Yes, yes. You try this Would you like it footstool? Some chocolates? Lemon squash?” “No, -no. We’re going to have tea in a few minutes. Airs. Duncan says vou’re to come down.” “May I?” “I can’t keep the first officer out of his own saloon, can I?” “Yes. I shouldn’t come if you didn't want me to, Miss Eva ” “Your eye? Does it hurt?” “No —ryes —not- much. I don’t cure. I—'Mass1 —'Mass Eva? Perhaps Airs Duncan told you why 1 boxed, and—and made myself a- fool generally. I wanted to — to make you think a little of me because —I know I’m not much, but—but wliat could 1 do that you would like me best to do?” She eyed him with her finger-on her iip. “Why! Be just yourself!” "But J didn’t think you could ever like that!” “Would my liking anything else be any use to you, Mr. McPherson?” she inquired—raflier seriously. “What a fool 1 am!” lie cried. “I never thought oi' that! Of course, it wouldn’t. You’re 'the best adviser I’ve ever had. Miss Eva. I’m a chap who needs a good adviser, don’t you think?” “It does rather seem so!” “Then—couldn’t you take on the job—Eva ?” “S-sh! It’s much too soon to talk of that.” "When will it be time?”. “Oh! In a year or two, perhaps.” “A year or two. Aliss Eva? Do you sa.v it as my honest adviser?” 'That,” said Aliss Eva, “isn’t fair argument—neither is that!” Presumably she alluded to the intrusion of his ann round her waist. The tea was nearly cold when they joined Airs. Duncan in the saloon. “Well,” she inquired, “has he purged his lollies?” “And taken precaution for the future,” he stated. “This is the precaution.’’ He put his arm through the precaution’s “Aly permanent ud-

itsetv —Owen Oliver in the “Australasian.”