SCOTTISH HUMOR

Gisborne Times, Volume LXVIII, Issue 10741, 12 November 1928, Page 9

SCOTTISH HUMOR

“SAFE AT HOME. ’ ’ WHEN THE PLATE WENT ROUND. THE ABERDONIANS MATCHBOX Tho Scot is ahvkys ready to tell a joke against himself. Here are a lew t of them told by a, man from aymt the Tweed,” who does not mind having a. tilt at the canniness of his race. '“V, % V THE CANNY SCOT. The collection of anecdotes and stories begins _ with a few illustrations of,what is meaint by a ‘canny’ Scot. “The word ‘canny’ is a Scot’s ■word combining caution and shrewdness hut not altogether explained by those terms. It. is, in fact, like many Scots words, untranslatable into English speech. ‘Taste and try before you buy,’ is an English proverb which embodies caution in dealing, but has not that I canny’ quality which we find embodied in the story of the Scot who asked a baldheaded chemist if he could guarantee a hair restorer ha Avals ad\rertisiug to ho capable of producing a growth of hair. ‘.Oh, certainly,’ replied tho chemist, ‘it is guaranteed ta grrnv hair in twenty-four hours.’ ‘Ah, weel, then,’ replied the Scot,, ‘just put a little on her ain head and I’ll look hack the monT to see if it AA'orks.’ That is a typical Scot. You can see at once where he shines. He does not even spend a penny in samples before he makes a purchase. The canny Scot leaves nothing to chance. There he differs from his southern neighbour. Which reminds me of tho question a Scots boy asked liis father. ‘Faither,’ he said, ‘what’s the difference between Englishmen and Scotsmen?’ “‘Week laddie,’ replied he, ‘I canna iuist say, hut they hav’na been the same since Bannockburn.’ ”

THE CATCH. This canniness is again evident in the story about- a match advertisement; “A certain firm of match manufacturers adopted a, novel idea by Avay of advertising. They sent a man out with authority to hand over a guinea to any person he came across who produced a box of their matches. When he came to Aberdeen ho entered the smokeroom of a popular restaurant, and going up to a- stranger said - “ ‘Could you oblige me with a match ?’ “ ‘The Aberdonian replied “Certainly.’ handing oi-or his box, AA'hieh happened to ho tho make required. _ “ ‘Thank you very much,’ he said ‘I see you use our matches. My firm authorises me to hand over a guinea to. eA T ery man 1 meet AA’ho produces one of their boxes so there’s your guinea.’ He then turntrl to leaA’c. Avhen the Aberdonian .stopped him Avith the remark: -‘Hey! Stop there—l thoeht there was a catch in it—you’re awa’ wi’ mj' matches.’ ” PAWKY! Yet another example is forthcoming in connection with the Scot’s reputed care for his money “Salvation Army girl (to old Aberdonian) : ‘Will you give a shilling for the Lord ’ “ ‘Hoo auld are ye, lassie?’ “ ‘Eighteen past.’ “ ‘Ah, weel ,I’m seA-enty-fh-e. I’ll he seein’ Him afore you, so I’ll hand it to Him myself.’ ” . SAFE FROM CHURCH. Allan junior gives an excellent example of the much exploited Scottish reputation for parsimony in the riddle, “What’s the difference between an Aberdonian and a coconut?”— ‘-You can get- a drink out of a coconut.” There are many other delightful stories on this theme:— “Sirs. Gordon (to husband AA’ho is •Listening in’ on Sabbath ei-ening): ‘Tammas, Tammas, ye manna laugh like that on the Sabbath day.’ “Tammas : ‘Laugh Avumman! Tho minister has just announced the collection, an’ here I am. safe at ha mo !’ ” HE XEDXA WORRY! Coupled with his loa’c of drink, cliis care of the Soot for his- purso has proA’cd an excellent peg to hang many a joke upon, but rarely does one come across so excellent a story, combining so many of the Scottish characteristics, as is related about-an Aberdonian and well-meaning priest: “There is a proA’erb to the- effect that there arc none so blind as those who will not see. This blindness sometimes comes in A r ery useful, as instance the case of Willie McGregor. “Willie Avas travelling to Glasgorv, and on the, Avay he felt thirsty, so he took out his bottle and drew the cork. Just as he was about to take a taste a fellow passenger in clerical garb addressed him: ‘Excuse me, sir, but [ am sixty-five years of ago l and I have never tasted a drop of whisky 1’ ‘Dinna Avorry yersel’,’ replied Willie, ‘yer no’ gaun to start nooP ” NO TROUBLE. The Scot- and his Avife is another wellknoAA'n subject for humour, hut feAv jokes exceed -in wittiness the story of the offer of a certain Scot made t.o his daughter:— “ ‘Marriage,’ as the old elder said to his daughter, ‘i!s a solemn thing.’ The grieve at Broom Knowes may have thought so, too, but he Avas, nevertheless, very pleased Avith himself AA-hen the farmer’s son asked his da lighter’s hand in marriage. After the young chap had gone the grieve had a talk Arith Jeannic. ‘Jeannie, •lassie,’ he said, ‘l’ve just had a veesit o’ Tamie and I’ve consented to vour marriage.’ ‘Oh, hut father,’ she" blurted out, ‘I dinna want _to leave my mither.’ ‘Hoots, lassie,’ replied her father, ‘dinna let that trouble ye—ye can tak her Avi’ ye!’ ” TOO GENEROUS. . Another story, hardly more complimentary to the much-maligned Aveaker sex, is given:— “Sandy Gordon was getting married, and as the weddlng-dav drew near he began to find that it was costing him more than lie bergained for so he asked a crony Avhat the •minister charged for officiating at the ceremony. His friend replied:, ‘Weel Sandy, after I got married I asked’ the minister, “Hoo much am [ due ye for that?” “Oh,” he replied, “just Avhat ye think she is worth,” so I handed him a shillin’. “You’re far too generous,” said he, and handed me hack a saxpence. An’ d’ye ken, Sandy, he was ncht! “I-100 DID YE KEN?” Perhaps the. best story of all is about the drunk, AA’ho interrogated a fellow-passenger in a. tramcar man: “Did. you see me c-c-coming An?’.’ . Follow passenger: “I did. ’ Drunk man: “Dae ye ken wha 1 am?” .... „ Fellow passenger: “No. Drunk man: “Then hoo did ye ken it AA’is me?” .