WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 9 December 1939, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

WHO DOESN’T? | “Do you think it right to buy an automobile on the instalment plan.'’ | “Sure, 16,000,000 people can't be wrong.” APPROPRIATE. “Are you going to take the car out in this rainstorm?” . . , “Certainly. Lt's a driving rain, isn t it?” SLEEPY TIME. Student: Let’s cut classes and take in a movie. , , ~ , . Second Student: Can tdo it, old man, 1 need the sleep. A BRUTAL GAME. “Don’t you think there’s something brutal about football?” “Yes, the price of the seats! ENJOYS REPETITION. “Squinter says he has seen mote than a thousand motion pictures.” “He should know the plot quite well by this time!” ONE LESS. First Golfer: The traps on this course are very annoying. Second Ditto (trying to putt): Yes, will ypu please close yours? PEAK OF DOMESTIC FELICITY. Housewife: For the last time, there is absolutely nothing I want. Pedlar: Lumme! Your man must be pleased with yer—you’re a wif* in a million. SURE SIGN. A maid who recently joined the Church was asked how she knew she was converted. She replied, “Because now ) clean under the rugs.” LIKES TO COME BACK. Judge Gruff: Aren’t you ashamed to be seen here in Court so often? Prisoner: Why, no, your Honor; I always thought it was a, very respectable place. MATTER OF FORM.

“Wot’s all this about Mrs. A. ’aving er hexpenses paid to the seaside?’ “That’s right. She’s going as a dele- , gate from the guild.” “Delegate, hindeed. She ain’t art as delegate as me.” OBLIGING. She (sarcastically, to stranger at same restaurant table): I hope yoli won’t mind my eating while you smoke. He: Certainly not, lady, so long as I can hear the orchestra. RPEPAREDNESS. “If you spend so much time at golf, you won’t have anything laid aside for a rainy day.” “Won’t eh? My desk is crowded with work that I’ve ptit aside for a rainy day.” AN ORDINARY MAN. Small Daughter: There was a. strange man who called to see you today. Father: Did he have a bill? Daughter: No, papa, he just had a plain ordinary nose. AT LONG LAST. First Man: Well, have any of your childhood ambitious been realised, Biggs? '- Second Man (father of a large family): At least one of them—it was always my desire to wear long trousers, and now I believe 1 wear them longei than anybody else. , DEFYING GRAVITY “Any complaints?” asked the orderly officer, looking in at the men’s mess. “Yes, sir,” said a young private; “the bread’s all wrong.” “What’s wrong with it?” “Well, it defies the law of gravity, sir. It’s as heavy as lead, but it won't go down.” EASY WALKING, Bobby was visiting the toy department, and when his turn came to talk with the clerk, he was asked, “Well, my little man, what do you want most for Christmas?” “1 want a bicycle.” “Now, just why do you want a bicycle?” “So I can sit down and walk.” THE RETORT COURTEOUS A pedestrian had fallen into a manhole and called for help. “Dear me,” said a gentleman who happened along.-“ Have you fallen into that manhole?” “Not at all,” was the reply. ,: As you seem interested I will say that I just

happened to be down here and they built the pavement around me.” NICE WORK. Parent: Who is the laziest boy in ’the class, Johnny? Johnny: 1 don’t know. Parent: 1 should think you would know. When all the others tire industriously writing or studying their lessons. who sits idly in his seat and watches the rest, instead of working himself? Johnny: The teacher. ABSTRACT ART. Two friends were in the art gallery. They stopped before a picture. Smith: What is that picture? Jones: The catalogue says “Cow in the grass.” Smith: Where is the grass? Jones: The cow has eaten it. “Then where is the cow?”‘ “You don’t think the cow would stop in a field after the grass was all eaten

up?” COMPENSATIONS. “Out in Australia, where I live,” said the lecturer, “neighbours are sometimes as much as twenty miles apart.” “It must be lonely.” remarked a listener. “It has its compensations.” continued the lecturer. “For instance, when one buys a lawn-mower it. practically becomes one’s own property.” HE FOUND OUT. The two friends were discussing motoring as they sat in the club. “1 was once buying a. second-hand car from a garage owner.” said one. “Of course, he praised it up, as I was a novice. Put I found a. way of discovering absolutely all its faults. “How?” asked the other. “Why.” went on the .first, "I had it on trial, and took it to another motor dealer and asked him to buy it.” NOT THE IDEA. The match was about to start, and] the captains were inspecting the ground. | "I don't like it,” said the visiting captain. | "Don't like what?” asked the home skipper. ; “The ground." replied the other. “There's hardly a blade of grass to i.-t seen." “Well, you didn’t come here to graze., did you?”