WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 13 February 1932, Page 8

WEEK-END SMILES

A ROUND-AROUT ROUTE Stout Gentleman (who has been knocked down): "Couldn’t you have ••.one round me?" Motorist: “Sorry! I wasn’t sure whether I had enough petrol." RESULT OF WORK “I would like to marry your daughter.” "Have you money to support her?” “I have £30,000.” “Is that the result of work?” “Yes, my father worked all his life to obtain it.” •EVENING’S ENTERTAINMENT The two housewives were discussing money matters. “My husband and I attend to our budget every evening,” said Mrs Brown. “We find it most economical.” “How is that, my dear?” asked Mrs Smith. Mrs Brown shrugged her shoulders. “Simple,” she replied. “By the time we get it properly balanced it is too late to go anywhere.” FATHER’S FOOTSTEPS Mr. Smith was lecturing his son. “My boy,” he said, “you have acquired an irritating habit of sayin T forgot.’ Now, to cultivate 'the power of memory is very simple. Concentrate your mind on each act as you perform it; centre your thoughts on every occurrence from the moment you awake in the morning until you go to sleep at night. When I say I have been endowed with a remarkable memory I only ” Mrs Smith (putting her head in at the door) —“John, you’ve forgotten to leave the car lights on, and two policemen are waiting to speak to you.” MATTER O’ MONEY Mrs Mac Andrew: My, is this no terrible? it says here that in the Solo- ' mon Islands a wife costs seeven shillin’s.” Mac Andrew: Ay! They’re profiteers • there just the same as here. BREAKING IT GENTLY “Your hubby and Mick Murphy have ' had a terrible fight.” < “That means Mrs Murphy is a ■ widow now.’.’ ' •! “Yes; in fact there are two wid- ■ ows!” NOT LONG TO WAIT Diner: Never mind that order now, ; waiter; I can never eat when there’s ! a smell of fresh paint around. Waiter: If you’ll just wait a few i moment, sir, them two young ladies ’ will be going. APPLIED ART J

Mrs Jones: D’you know, my Jimmy will be a great artist; he’s at the top of his class at school, and Mrs Smith: He’ll be an artist all right. He drank the milk out of my jug and drew cat's feet on the doorstep. CHEERS! “I ii&pe you don’t think I'm conceited,’’ he said, aftei* he had finished telling fcdr about himself. nd,” ihe replied, “but I'm just wondering how you can keep from giving three hearty cheers whenever yon look at yourself in the glass.” QUITE SO Elderly Friend: Going to .New Zealand with your husband, are you, my dear? That’s one of the countries where they have day when we have' - night, and night when we have day. Young Wife: Yes; I suppose I shall find it awfully strange at first. SAFE! Jean: Did you see in the paper that a couple had been poisoned through eating chocolates? Jock: Yes, lass, but what aboot it? Jean: Nothing, except that I was just thinking— er—er—how safe you and I are! A MISCALCULATION ; “Whatever became of that greyhound you had?” “He killed himself.” “Really?” “Yes; tried to catch a fly on the small of his back and miscalculated. Bit himself in two.”

A SLIGHT ALTERATION “I have known you so long, doctor,” said the patient at the end of his visit, “I do not intend to insult you by paying your bill. But I have arranged a handsome legacy for you in my will.” “That’s very kind,” the doctor replied. “Allow me to look at that prescription again. There is a slight al- . teration I would like to make in it.” A TRUE STORY While cycling in East Yorkshire recently, a man passed through a village with a fine old church. At the entrance of the church was a lych gate ornamented with some beautifully carved woodwork and the inscription, “The Gate of Heaven.” However, underneath was hung a card about a foot square on which was roughly printed, “Under repair; please go round -the other way.” THE EXPLANATION. Lady: “That piece of cod you sent I was not nearly so good as the piece I bought here two weeks ago.”

Fishmonger: “That’s fanny! It was off the same fish!” FASTIDIOUS. “Hullb, game old car. I thought you were going to have a new one?” “So I am. I’m just waiting until < they stop improving them.. The wife J insists on having the best.” < ON THIN ICE. !

“What are you laughing at'?” asked the skater of his smiling friend. “That fellow at the other end of the poijd,” said the other—“that chap we said we couldn’t bear.”

“But what about him?’’ asked the first inquiringly. The smiling one pointed to a large hole in the ice. “Well, the ice couldn’t bear him either,” he explained. SOME NERVE. Harry: “That lawyer of mine has a nerve.” Willy: “Why so?” Harry: “Listen to this item in his bill: ‘For waking up in the night and thinking over your case, £s.”’ WHY WORRY. Gipsy Fortune-teller {solemnly): “Let me warn you—a dark man is certain to cross your path——” Girl Motorist: “Don’t you think you’d better warn him?”