Fun and Fancy.

Golden Bay Argus, Volume IX, Issue 26, 26 November 1903, Page 3

Fun and Fancy.

When is a window like a star ?—When it is a skylight. , . You can get a woman to keep a secret if you give her enough chloroform. Patti has no baby. It would cost him £4OO every time he wanted his mother to sing him to sleep. He—“ How old are you, Miss Emma?” “ Old enough to know better than answer that.”

The time wasted by men in feeling in the wrong pocket would make the next generation rich if they had it. Some of the richest men in England owe ail their wealth to beer, and some of the poorest owe all their poverty to the same thing.; “ John, you are not listening to a word I am saying.” “ Yes, I am. lam all ears.” “ Yes, and that’s what makes it all the more provoking.” Employer—“ Brannigan, where have you been for a week back ?” “ Been to the hospital, sorr. But who told you that I had a weak back ?”

“ Old Skinner is a very charitable man, isn’t he ?" “ Yes. But if ever he casts his bread upon the waters, he expects it back a sardine sandwich.”

Mr. Windbag (looking over the newspaper) —“ Cheap, Deeare & Co. are selling off all sorts of patent medicines at half price.” “ Just our luck I Nothing the matter with any of us.” Handel used to console his friends when, previous to the curtain being drawn up, they lamented that the house was so empty, by saying, “ Never mindt, ze musio vill sound ze better."

Mistress—" I am to have company at dinner, can’t you think of something nice for dessert ? Something light and airy and highpriced." Cook—"Xeß, mum, have some baker’s bread.”

A rustic youth, in a moment of weak confidence, declared that, he “ never sot his mind to writin’ poems till two years ago, but the minute I took to keepin’ company with Sally Johnson I couldn’t help it.” Miss Uppercrust—“ What a beautiful woman !” Mrs. Uppercrust—“ Yes, but she is not much—she moves in some vulgar 'set or other. I just heard her ask the price of a bonnet."

Mrs. Dumpsey—" Now, Johnnie, I don’t want you to quarrel with the boy who has just moved in next door." “ Don’t be afraid of that, ma, I won’t quarrel with him, he is bigger than me." If there is anything in the world that will inspire a woman to learn shorthand, it is to find among her husband’s papers a sheet full of mysterious wiggley marks interspersed in places with the name of the woman she does not love.

Luttrell told once, in Moore’s hearing, of a good phrase of an attorney's in speaking of a reconciliation that had taken place between two persons whom he wished to set by the ears. “ I am sorry to tell you, sir, that a compromise has broken out between the parties.”

"We should never complain, whatevei may befal us,” said the minister. " The moment we grow dissatisfied, we become unhappy." "Do you really think so ?” she sighed. “ Yes. The first woman who complained of her Lot was turned into salt, my good woman." Fond mother (at a ball, aside to daughter) —" Has Signor Arturo, with whom you have been dancing all the evening, at last declared his intentions ?” “ Yes, mamma.” " Thank goodness ! And what did he say?” "He declared that he was never going to get married.”

First deacon—" Have you ever heard the Rev. Mr. Cadger, who exchanges pulpits with our pastor to-day ?” Second deacon —“ No.” First—" Well, I have. I think, Brother Passbasket, we’ll take up the collection this morning before the sermon, and vary the custom.”

‘i Did I ever say all that ?” he asked despondently, as she replaced the phonograph on the mantelpiece. "You did.” "Andyou can grind it out of that little machine when you choose ?” “ Certainly.” " And your father is a lawyer ?” “ Yes.” “ Mabel, when can I place the ring on your finger, and call - you my wife ?”

Friend—“ By the way, how is your novel selling ?” Aspiring Author —“ It isn’t selling at all. The critics killed it." .■“I am surprised to hear that. I didn't think they could say anything against it.” “ That was the hard part of it. They all united in saying that everyone should read it, on account of its lofty moral teachings.” It is difficult for an honest man to make a living in some parts of London. A secondhand clothier in the East End was recently heard to moan—“ Vhell, vhell 1 Efery time I toll der truth I loshe money, and efery time I lie I loshe a customer. How can an honest man lif ?’’

Miss Gladys—" You appeared very abruptly with your errand a little while ago. You must not enter the room bo suddenly when Mr. Smithers is spending the evening with me." Bridget—“ Suddent! And is it suddent ye call it, and me at the kayliole for the lasht hour.”

“ Now, children," said the teacher of the infant natural history class, after the peculiarities of the crab had been discussed, "is there any other member of the animal kingdom that possesses the power to move backward rapidly?” “ Yes, sir, the mule kin do it,” said a youngster. “ Come home with me and we’ll have a little game of cards,” said Cowbigger to his friend, “my wife will be away." • “ you know she will be away ?” inquired isLetritt. “ Because her new bonnet came the milliner’s last night, and she’ll be out all day.”

Crawley—" Who’s that little, insignificant, dried-up, crooked, spindle-legged tailor's signboard over there?” Griggs—"Why, that’s Lord Leopold Algernon Percy Fitznoodle, son of the Earl of Ditchwater." " Oh—aw. What a distinguished bearing his Lordship has, though, for one so slight of figure,” said Crawley. He —“ Men must be long-suffering, my dear, but something must be done to suppress this high hat nuisance in theatres.” She—- “ It certainly never will be suppressed until something is done, you may be sure.” He—- “ Then for heaven’s sake suggest something.” She —“I will. v I would suggest that all the men stop going out for drinks between the acts. Wo’d take our hats off, then, out of pure respect.” Once upon a time two farmers quarrelled. Farmer Number One was of an ingeniously spiteful turn, so he bought ten pounds of Ep : som salts, and threw it into the well of Number two. What was the result? Why, as soon as the water began to taste, the report went out that it was a mineral well, and a company was formed which paid Number Two a handsome sum, and erected a hydropathic establishment.

Before marriage—" Excuse me. George. Did my parasol hurt you ?” . " Oh, no* dear, it would be a pleasure if it did.” After marriage--" Now, then, do be careful. There never was a woman under the sun that knew how to carry a parasol without scratching a fellow’s eyes oert ” " And there never was a man that knew enough to walk on the right side of a woman with a parasol.” “ There’s no right side of a woman with a parasol,” said George.,

A man was seen coming out of a newspaper office with one eye knocked out, his nose was spread over his face like piece of raw beef, and one of his ears chawed off. To a rnau who interviewed him he said—" I didn't like an article that appeared in the paper last week, and I went to see the man that wrote it.” “ Did you see him ?” he queried. " I did. He wets there 1”

and transacted the following business: f She 'Programme of events for the day was discussed and was eventually arranged as before, with the addition of one event (Pigeon-in the-Pot) ; and a proviso that all members of the Committee must start in Committee Race or be fined one shilling. Nominations for all, handicap events to .close on Saturday, 12th December, next, and acceptance on 24th. The following were elected Ground Committee;, Messi» J. Kirk, Hargreav.es, W. Stevens, and A. Clear. Ball Committee : Messrs J. W. Riley, T. E. Exton and G. H. Allan. •Privileges. —Resolved, that no tender for the Publican’s Booth be accepted under’ £3, (with right of Shelter Shed) Tenderfor this and Refreshment Booth and Right of Games to close on 12th December. Resolved that the Collingwood Brass Band be asked to give a price for playing* during the day. , Resolved that the programme be printed. ... The meeting then adjourned until the 12th Decent her.