THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 21992, 30 March 1935, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Inci-dental.—“Mummy, you said that baby had your eyes and daddy’s nose, didn’t you?” “Yes, darling.”

“Well, you’d better keep your eyes on him. He’s got grandpa’s teeth now.”

Man In Blue.—Mistress: So you want to leave, Mary? What motive have you for going? Cook.: It ain’t a motive, mum; it’s only a policeman.

Boring A Bore.—Bore: You know, I am very fond of birds. Yesterday one actually settled on my head. Fed-up Listener: It must have been a woodpecker.

Good Advice. —Widow (tearfully): Yes, my daughters are now my only resources.

Friend: Take my advice and husband your resources well.

Grand Slam. —“I am willing to do anything,” said the applicant for work.

“All right,” said the hard-hearted merchant. “Please close the door behind you when you go out.”

Of an age.—Magistrate:’l seem to know your face! Prisoner: Yus; we was boys together. Magistrate: Nonsense! Prisoner: Yus, we was. We’re both about the same age, so we must have been boys together!

Potent Reason.—“l hear you have stopped smoking cigarettes.” “Yes,” answered the sad-looking man; “for ever and ever.” “Did you find they were undermining your health?” “No.” “Wife object?” “No.” “What cured you of the habit?” “The pictures they gave away with them.”

Trial And Error. —Shopman: This matches your sample perfectly, madam. Customer: It certainly does. It couldn’t be closer. “How many yards do you wish? “Not any yet. You see, this is the very first shop I’ve tried!”

Learning.—Miss Tessem: Who was the best man at your wedding, MiMeek? Meek (married a month): Well, sometimes you know I’m almost persuaded that my wife was.

Refused. —Tody: Jennie tells me young Woodby proposed to her last night. Viola: I don’t think I know him. Is he well off? Tody: He certainly is. She refused him.

Logical Sequence.—Magistrate (to witness): You say you saw defendant standing at the street corner? Witness: Yes, your worship. And while I stood there watching he .put his fingers to his mouth and whistled. “What followed?” “His dog, your worship.” -x- * *

Habit Will Out.—“lf you please, ma’am, may I entertain my fiancee in the kitchen this evening?” “But I thought you broke it off with him last night, Mary?” “So I did, ma’am; but, naturally. I gave him a month’s notice.” ►A* *

Game Action.—Smith: He took several good~sized sticks and beat his wife. , , ~ Brown: I cannot believe he coma be guilty of such cruelty. “Cruelty? There wasn’t any cruelty about it They were playing golf together.” # Safety First.—He: Why does this theatre have its orchestra concealed? She: Just wait until you hear it play. v • -x- * -»

Faux Pas.—A young barrister, conducting his first case, and pleading drunkenness as his client’s defence, began his speech. Waxing eloquent, and with outstretched arms, he exclaimed: “Milord and gentlemen of the jury, you all know what it is to be drunk.”

Tactless.—Guest (angry at being kept waiting at the station); So you couldn’t find me, eh? Didn’t your master describe me? Chauffeur: Yes, sir; but there were several bald-headed old buffers. * * *

Opulent.—“ Hallo, Jones! Got a new car?” “Yes. I went into a garage to use the ’phone, and I didn’t like to come away without buying something.” *' Not Risking It.—‘‘People living together for a long time get to look alike.” “Here’s your ring. 1 daren’t risk it. Not guilty.—A psychologist happened upon a hard-working Irishman toiling bareheaded. Psychologist: Don’t you know that to work in the hot sun without a hat on is bad for the brains? Irishman: D’ye think that O’id be on this job if Oi had any brains? ■ # Misapprehension.—“ Poor Phyllis is back in the chorus again.” “But I thought she married a millionaire?” “So did she.’*

A Lay Member.—Artist: You didn’t accept that little drawing of mine—the drawing of a hen? Editor: No; it was not true to life. “Not true to life? Why, when I put it on the desk it lay there.”

His Only Royalty.—Young Man (taking singing lessons): Do you think I could use my voice in public now?

Disheartened Musician: I suppose so. You might cheer when the King goes by.

Possessing Not Possessed.—He (a former suitor): So you are married after all. You told me once that you never intended to belong to any man. She: Well, that remark still holds good. “But your husband?” “Oh, he belongs to me.” * * *

Poor Quality.—A gentleman on a motoring tour stopped to replace a tyre in a desolate part of the Highlands. A native chanced along and helped. “I suppose,” said the tourist, “that even here the bare necessities of life have risen tremendously in price.” “Aye, ye’re richt,” replied the Scot. “And it’s no’ worth drinkin’ when ye get it.”

Qualification. —“You don’t look strong enough and rugged enough to be a policeman. Have you ever had any experience or training in that line?” “Well, sir,” said the applicant, ‘I rang the parish church bells for 10 years. How’s that for being a pealer?”

Material Echo.—The tourist in the grounds of a country inn observed to his companion, “There’s a very interesting echo from this spot. Have you ever heard it?” “No,” said the other. “Well, just you shout, ‘Two pints of beer, please!’ as loud as you can.” So, drawing a deep breath, his friend roared lustily, “Two pints of beer, please!” and listened attentively. “I don’t hear any echo,” he complained. “That’s odd,” agreed his friend; “neither do I. But never mind—here’s the man coming with our beer.”

Camouflage.—Miss Smyth: No, he didn’t like your eyebrows. He said they were too black. Miss Jones: The idea! “However, I assured him they were not as black as they were painted!” •A Veteran Turn;—A widower was to be married for the third time, and his bride had been marred once before. The groom-elect wrote across the bottom of the invitation to a friend: “Be sure to come. This is no amateur performance!” The Reason.—The lawnmower is so called because just when one thinks he has finished he sees some mower “over there.” * * * ■ Son and Hair.—“Do you know,” remarked the mother of the new baby, thoughtfully, “I believe he has his father’s hair?” “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied the candid friend; “his father certainly hasn’t got-it now!” * ’■» •* In His Alms. —Hazel: Young Banker seemed to be greatly taken with me at the ball last night. He danced with me four times. , Helen: Well, that doesn’t prove anything. It was a charity ball,, you must remember. _ ■ ■ ' Beaten On A Foul—A perfect wonder was the parliamentary candidate for an agricultural district. He was never shy of telling the voters why they should return him as their M.P. “I am a practical farmer,” said he, boastfully. ‘T can plough, reap, milk cows, work a chaff-cutter, shoe a horse—in fact,” he went on, proudly, “I should like you to tell me any one thing about a farm which I cannot do.”

Voice from the back of the crowd “Can you lay an egg?” » 4? #

No Opening.—He: The great trouble with Gabley is that he talks too much. She: That’s strange. When he has been with me he scarcely said a word. “Oh, he is too much of a gentleman to interrupt!” «• * . * Erring In Erin.—Boss; Mike. I m going to make you a present of this pig. Mike: Sure, an’ ’tis just like you, sor! * * Convenient.—'"My husband has a great advantage over most men.” “Indeed l ” “Yes. He walks in his sleep.” “I don’t see what advantage that, can he to a 'person.” “Why, he can carry the babv all night long and still get his natural rest.” « «• ■ * .In Miniature—Uncle; Now I’ll teach you to milk a cow. Niece (from London): Oh, unci''. I’m afraid of cow. Couldn’t I learn on the calf? - " . -V. # ♦ Not Worn O^.—“l once loved a girl.” he sighed romanticahv, “who mcd<' a fearful fool of me.” “What a lasting impression some girls make,” she retorted.