THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 21784, 28 July 1934, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Worth More.—She: I think it’s a bad state of affairs when one reads of comedians earning more than Cabinet ministers. He: Oh, I don’t know; On the whole, they’re funnier. *• # ♦ Helpful.—Lady Customer: I want a nice hat for a present for my husband, please. ■ Assistant: What size, madam? Lady Customer; I- don’t know; but he takes nines in shoes. A Stutter.—Wife: Come on John; 1 want money, and nioney talks. : Husband: But, my dear, mine seems to have an impediment in its speech. # Unbelievable.—May. Is Bill a good yachtsman? ! Mary: Yes, very good; he didn’t hug a dashed thing but the shore. * * * Misunderstood.—A small boy stood in the entrance to the Cobbler’s shop watching the man at work. “What do you repair boots with, mister?” he suddenly asked. “Hide,”. replied the cobbler sharply. - ■ “E-e-r, eh?” asked the*boy. *“I said hide,” replied the cobbler impatiently.,; “What for?” the boy 'insisted, somewhat surprised. , “Hide! The cow’s outside,” sighed the man. “Don’t care if ft is.- Who’s afraid of a cow, anyway? I’m not-going to hide!” said the youngster defiantly.

A Good Selling Point.—The young physician was tired* but, as'he settled back in his easy-chair and his newlywedded wife took a seat beside him, he asked affectionately:; “And has my little wife been -lonely?” , “Oh, no,” she said animatedly; "at least, not very. I’ve found something to busy myself with.” “Indeed,” he said. “What is it?” “Oh, I’m, organising a class. A lot of girls and young married women are in it, and we’re teach-; ing each other how to cook.” “What do you'do with the things you cook?” . “We send them to the neighbours.” “Dear. little woman,” said he, “always thoughtful' of your husband’s practice.” * * # . A Busy Man.—Doctor: “Your husband, madame, is suffering either from overwork or excessive indulgence in alcoholic stimulants; it is difficult to-say which. , Anxious Wife: Oh, doctor, I’m sure it’s overwork!’ Why, he' can’t even go to the theatre without hurrying out half a dozen times to see one of his partners.

Technical.—“l’m sorry to hear you’ve lost your maid. Do you think somebody bribed her to leave you and go to another place?” “Oh," no. She left us merely for a single copper!” * * « A Dangerous Habit. Farmer Brown: What became of the hired man you got from the city? Farmer Gray. He’s in the infirmary. Farmer Brown: What’s the matter with him? Farmer Gray: He used to be a chauffeur, and he crawled under a mule to see why it didnT go. Nothing To Worry About—“ Mabel is going about telling untruths about me.” . • ' “Don’t worry now, dear. Wait till she starts telling the truth.” A Distinction. Plump Girl: Mother says I’m growing beautiful. Young Man: You mean beautifully, don’t you? . ♦ * Expressive—“ Edith positively talks with her eyes.” “And I suppose when she reels like swearing she just gives a cursory glance.” , * * * Quite Right.—What are you reading, Mary? asked the stern father. “Just a novel, ( father,” said the modern miss. “It’s called ‘The Heart of a Lonesome Girl’.” Father sniffed contemptuously. “The usual rubbish. I, presume—the name sounds like it.” he returned. “Yes. dad.” said Mary ' blithely; “it’s a book vou gave ,to mother 20 years ago. 1 found it in the attic.”

Not So.—Jones, in response to the tinkling of the telephone, lifted the receiver. “Is that- you darling?” he: asked, sweetly. A harsh-voice at the other end replied; “No, it’s not; it’s your wife!” * «• ■ , ; The Proof.—“ But you must remember, Edith,” said the young husband, “that my taste is better than yours.”. ' ‘‘Undoubtedly,” said Edith acidly, “when we remember that you married me and I. married you.” Not So ‘ Safe.-—“My wife had a dream last night and thought she was married to a millionaire.” . ' “Ybu’re lucky! ~ My wife think? that in the day-time.” . ■' • ' --tp .-■Sv* ■ The Difference.—A racing writer points out that, dyeing a horse to win race is a crime. Dyeing hair to wip - a husband, of course is merely feminine charm. . ■ i Ordered.—Chief of Amateur Fire Brigade: You’re late in getting here. Young Fireman: I live a long way away.., ; ; “That’s no excuse. In future you must live nearer the scene of the fire.”--" , / > # -#• # ■ Wasted.—When the doctor arrived he found the'.’ patient in - tears; v “Cheer up, my - good man,” he said. . “You’ll pull through.” “It isn’t that, doctor,” groaned the patient, “but just to think of all the money I’ve spent for apples to, keep you away.” ■

Praise, Indeed. —Church service was over and three members walked home together, discussing the message they had heard. “I tell you,” said the first enthusiastically, “Dr Blank can certainly dive deeper into- the truth than any minister I ever heard!” - “Yes,” saidi the second man, “and he can stay under longer.” “Yes,” echoed the third, “and come up drier.” Sceptical.—A young man was pleading for the hand of the big business man’s daughter. ' “They tell me you write poetry,” said her father thoughtfully. “Do you make, a living at it?” “Well,” the young suitor modestly replied, “I write enough to keep the wolf from’ the door.”, r.-‘ “H’nv” said father sourly, "do you read it to the wolf, then?” *, * » Recollections.—“ May I help you to me boiled rice, Mr Smith?” “Rice? No, thank you; no rice for me,” Smith answered vehemently. “It is associated with the worst mistake of;my life.’

Remembrance.—Jack Have you forgotten that 10/- that you owe me? Jim: Certainly not. Didn’t you see •me try to dodge into that door-' way? . , ■ ' Unfortunate.—“My singing doesn’t appeal to you?” , she said. , “Oh, yes, it does!” replied Dumley. “I’m very easily pleased.” ; # .It, & ■ Association.—A woman was taken to see Niagara Falls. For a time she gazed in fascination as the great- volumes Of water swept unchecked over the rocks and'fell into the whilring torrents below. Suddenly a look of agony passed over her face. “Goodness gracious," she exclaimed. “That reminds me—l’m sure I left the bath tap running!” :■: * * * Indirectly.—After Jane, the parlourmaid, had admitted the simplelooking young man into the house for the sixth time in a week the girl went tn mistress. “Madam, 1 he said, “I want to give you a week’s notice.” The mistress of the house returned, a puzzled glare. “But, Jane,’.’ she. said, •“this is very, sudden, isn’t it? Have, you a good reason?” “Yes, madam, ■ it’s this, I can t bear the sight. of that: simple-faced young man who calls to see your daughter Doris,” Jane explained with sbme warmth. Her mistress smiled. “But Jane, she exclaimed, “the young man doesn’t call to see you, so why should you- worry.” . . “I knov !r doesn”. madsm.” said male*.' ' ‘h- J -i c not the point. The mnb' . 'lie houses next door diink . he Uues.”