HUMOR IN CLERICAL LIFE

Evening Star, Issue 19764, 14 January 1928, Page 11

HUMOR IN CLERICAL LIFE

[Written by One of Them, for tbe ‘ Evening Star.’] I remember hearing a minister once make a frank admission before a group of students. “ A parson/’ be said, “doesn’t cut a very heroic figure in the street.” Perhaps the conventional dark drees and the “dog collar” have something to do with that. Whatever the cause the statement is not an exaggeration. I sometimes wonder if the average clergyman is quite as inhuman as some folk imagine. He is not wholly devoid of humor Indeed, his sense of humor often saves him from cynicism. Speaking of clerical dress reminds me of a discussion I overheard between a group of clergymen. One of them summed up the matter neatly: “ I don’t mind a man’s dressing as a minister, I don’t mind his dressing as a gentleman, but I do object to his dressing like an undertaker’s assistant.” But the absence of a “ dog collar ” sometimes involves ministers in awkward situations. It happened at a public function not many miles from Dunedin. On the platform was a lady resident of the suburb. Next to her sat a gentleman of imposing appearance, who is minister of an important church. The lady passed a remark concerning some crime that had recently been committed in the district. To her surprise the gentleman knew nothing about the matter. She turned to him in amazement: “But aren’t you the new policeman?” The average man’s idea of a clergyman is a being who functions at a christening, a marriage, and a funeral. Humor is most pronounced at marriages, but christenings sometimes have a humorous side. Not many years ago a child of three was being christened —fortunately at home. The minister said; “I baptise thee, Hector Macdonald ,” when the youngster turned upon him with a look of injured vanity, and completely destroyed the solemnity of the proceedings by announcing loudly and distinctly; “Mv name’s just Fightin’ Mac.”

But it is nt marriages where humor bubbles forth, and where a sense of humor is absolutely essential. What happened is not recorded when the bashful young bridegroom, knowing he had to kiss someone, embraced the officiating clergyman and kissed him! On another occasion a minister, noticing that the groom was rather at a loss what to do when the benediction was pronounced, and wishing to help things along, startled the congregation announcing in a stage whisner: “It is kistomarv for the bridegroom to cuss the bride. *’ Not all bridegrooms are nervous, however, as the following incident will indicate.:—When the officiating minister came To the question “ Wilt thou take this woman to be thy wedded wife?” tl groom looked doubtfully at his bride and said: ‘‘Weil, I reckon I will, but I’d a blamed side rather had her sister.” Tho writer knows one minister who has witnessed on two occasions the extraordinary spectacle of a bridegroom m tears. In both cases they were the only ones so affected at the wedding. Was it not Dean Swift who remarked that a man willfind the merriest faces in mourning coaches? ■■ Most ministers are reluctant to dwell on tho lighter side of what must be their most trying task—conducting funerals and comforting the bereaved. One incident only will bo given. A lady well past tho allotted span had died—eating an unripe tomato had hastened matters. The minister went to comfort tho husband, whom ho found very upset by the suddenness of the end. “ I wouldn’t have minded so much,” hq said, “but killed by a tomato—killed by a tomato!” The late Dr Jowett loved to tell a story about a holiday visit bo paid to a quiet village. On the Sunday morning he attended the little church. Owing to some misunderstanding the minister did not arrive. Jowett apparently had the “cut” of a preacher, for he was asked to conduct the service, winch ho did. His sermon excited no comment. Through the week a deputation waited on him requesting him to preacli on the following Sunday. “But,” said Jowett in surprise, “ [ preached for you last Sunday.” “ Oh, yes,” was the unexpected reply, “ but wo didn’t know till yesterday that you were the great Dr Jowett.” A young student, nearing the end of his course, was once preaching in a country town. He had reached the stage when he imagined he. had nothing to learn as far as preaching was concerned. After the service he was introduced to a lady who rather stunned him by asking; “And is this the first time you have preached? ” In the pulpit many slips of the tongue occur, though probably not half of them aro noticed. One minister spoke of the Israelites crossing the Dry Sea red-shod. Another prayed for the time when all men would be smoking the pipe of peace! A certain home missionary (whose loyalty must for ever remain unimpeachable) used to pray for “ the King and Queen, himself ami his wife, and all the members of the Koval family.” A minister (he is notorious for his unconscious humor), m addressing the children tola them o! some Persian kittens thus use to i ; 1 up tho log of his trouser.,. “ \cs,” he said, “and tiny do Die wr. r Mrs " (ins wife)! i u w.r. som time before the coogrognticu roc'.■'•ore'' from its lit of conghm... The abscut-mindi tineas of some ministers is proverbial. Tins story is vouchc-t for. A congregation in South Utag which possessed a particularly absentminded pastor, appeared at church oru Sunday morning and waited in van l for the minister. Finally, someone volunteered to visit the mau.-e to investigate. Ho found tho minister digging in the garden! He thought it wa Saturday.

A good joke is told against one minister, an ardent prohibitionist. His work was in the “back-blocks.” Once he arrived at a sheep station to conduct a service. Ho hurried over to the housekeeper and asked for a drink. She did not like to give him water; there was not time to make tea —would he like a drink of hop beer? He would ho delighted. He drank the glass to the dregs. He lias yet to learn that what he thanked the housekeeper so warmly for was not lion beer but a glass of Speight’s XXXX. Is there not a. story of a clergyman who insisted upon his barber repeating a text every morning before performing his shaving operations? Rumor has it that once, the barber’s knowledge of texts running low, he was at a loss to remember one, when suddenly he had an inspiration. His razor was poised dramatically over the minister’s throat. He repeated his text: “-Prepare to meet thy God!” The agility witli which the clergyman bounded from the chair would have done justice to a circus acrobat. A somewhat humorous incident occurred in a town in Hawkes Bay. The Anglican and the Presbyterian ministers were walking along a certain street when the former remarked to the latter as they were passing a house: “Your people in there, aren’t they?” “ Oh, no, they’re yours,” was the unexpected reply. They compared notes, and discovered that when the Anglican vicar called he was informed that the people were Presbyterian; when the Presbyterian called they were Anglicans—a convenient metamorphosis. Who was the clergyman, whose quiet wit enabled him to nonplus an opponent? The man—a layman—had lost his temper. “If I had a son born an idiot,” he said, “I would make him a parson.” “Evidently your father was of a different opinion,” was the quiet Vep]y ‘ ---------------