ALL ABOUT TIMBER

Evening Post, Volume CXXV, Issue 100, 30 April 1938, Page 27

ALL ABOUT TIMBER

Timber is today the subject of considerable intensive research, conducted in the main under Government auspices. In consequence of this, a wealth of accurate information concerning the structure, properties, and treatment of many kinds of wood has been amassed. There has, however, been a difficulty in disseminating this information among those traders who are interested in timber. Much is in language too technical for the non-scientific man, and nearly all is distributed in separate bulletins, leaflets, and reports, which do not make for easy reference to particular points. Conversations with architects, surveyors, and building contractors convinced the author, of "Tim[ber: Its Structure Properties" that a simple, concise account of the work accomplished by Timber Research Laboratories, and of the knowledge now available concerning timber, would be of practical value. This conviction has led him to write his book, which has been published' by Macmillan and Company, Ltd. Mr. H. E. Desch has done his job well, and the numerous photographs and other illustratidhs greatly aid the written word.

Unsteady Golfer: It seems to me I'm playing Better /since lunch, boy. Doe% it ; seem so'to.ypu?- ;.; ■-; Caddie: . No, , guylnor—l only.-^' Avaterrwiyj?i&e.-->^ :

Johnny, who had just left school, set out to get a job: and-tailed at the local engineering works, -if ■....• "What cart you do, sonny?" asked the foremari. "Anything," replied Johnny. "Can you file smoke?", asked the foreman. , "Yes, sir," replied Johnny, with . a grin. "If you'll screw it in the vipe for me." He got the job. ! -

" The husband, a perennial drunk; came home sober. His wife was duly shocked. After seeing her matey.' stagger home drunk night .after night and year after year the '<sight,of a sober husband was a-trifle too much for her.; •

"Oh, Jerry," she cried, trying to conceal her happiness. "What happened to you?" "What do you mean?" he countered. "Nothing's happened to me so far as I know."

"But, dear," she marvelled, "how is it you're sober tonight?" "Stop annoying me," he growled. "Can't I come home sober once if I feel that way?" "Of course, dear," she murmured, "but you know what the neighbours are. They'll start gabbing!"

After a strenuous Saturday night a clergyman climbed into his pulpit the following morning and addressed his congration thus: Dearly beloved brethren, my text today comes from the thirstiest verse of the thirsty-thirst chapter of the Book of Guinness's! •

"Weel, Tammas, tae think o1 meetin' you after a' these years. Come an1 hae a drink."

"Thanks, but you'll mind I -paid the last time!"

"I hear Scribbler finally got one of his | plays on the boards." "Yes, the property man tore up his manuscript and used it in the snowstorm scene." Bore: Talking about Africa makes me think of the time ——" Bored One: Good gracious, you're quite right. I had no idea it was so late. Good-bye. "That you, darling?" "Yes—who's that?" A farmer was showing a friend round the farm, when they came to a heap of old iron. "Why don't you send this to the motor works?" suggested his friend. In the course of a , few days the farmer had his old iron trucked away and about a month later he received a letter from the moto* .Inn. It read: —"Dear Sir, —Your car is now ready. The biggest smash-up we have ever seen." "Dad," said the little fellow to his parent, "I think I want to get married." "Married!" exclaimed the astonished father. "Who is it that you would like to marry?" "I want to marry granny," was the youngster's reply. "You want to marry your grandmother. Do you think that I would ever allow you to marry my mother?" "Why shouldn't 1 marry your mother? You married my mother, didn't you?"

• A young^woman,. finding herself rathgjrf'un-down, consulted her doctor, >$ro sajd: "All,that is wrong with you is that you are burning the candle at ■both ends." "I know," said the sweet young thing, "but it is the only way that I can make both ends meet."

"Before buying a house find out how the land lies," says a writer. And also the estate agent. -

Mr. Boosy (inebriated): I-shay—will you marry me?

Miss Plain: Go away, you drunken beast. : ; ' ';■•■; • Mr. Boosy:-Be, careful, now. I'll be shober—in the morning. . '

He: A.man's no good unless he's got somethingl tender about him. She:-Yes, legal tender.

• Director" Wow in the next scene the girl will come out dressed in nothing but her hat; . . . ■ .

Star: llut how will that get by the censors?

Director: That's easy. She'll only be photographed from her neck up.

He was driving her home from the dance. It was midnight, pitch dark, and the road was a lonely one. Suddenly the car conked out, and the young man, having looked it over to see what was the matter, turned to the girl and said: "How unfortunate. The petrol tank seems to be full of water and we can't move a foot."

The girl gave a sigh, and said: "Come inside, this has happened to me before. All we have to do is to sit in the back seat for a time and the water turns right back into petrol."

The two survivors of a shipwreck, a seaman- and a stockbroker, had managed to clamber on to a raft.

■ "If a ship doesn't sight us soon, sir," said the seaman, "we'll starve." "Don't talk nonsense!" snapped the stockbroker. "I've plenty of money."

An Englishman touring in Scotland hired a Highland guide and set out to climb a mountain. Just as they were nearing the top the Englishman exclaimed, "Hang! If I haven't forgotten the glasses!" • . ■ "Hoots, mon," said the Scotsman, "there's no'en aboot, let's drink it oot the bottle."

He was at his club, and he had talked politics for an hour and a half.

"That's the situation in a nutshell," he declared at the close.

"Heavens!" exclaimed a member to his neighbour; "what a nut!"

Christmas is a time when one finds out how close some of one's close friends are.

"What would your wife do if you die tomorrow?" asked the insurance salesman. "Probably go to the funeral, if it wasn't the day for her bridge club."

Doctor (at lunatic asylum): This is a ward for motor maniacs. ■ Visitor: I don't see any. Doctor: No, they are all under the beds doing repairs.

Then there was the schoolboy who wrote, "The best thing about telling the truth is you don't have to remember wKat you say."

NO GOOD WITHOUT.

The lady of a large house was giving j a garden party for her household staff | and estate employees. The gardener had just stepped' on the tennis court to play a game with the chauffeur, when the footman hurried up to him and said: "John, her ladyship says you can't play tennis in braces." To-which the gardener made reply: "You can just go back and tell her ladyship that I'm no good at this bloomin' game unless I have both hands free," SINGLE OR DOUBLE? At a party in the village, the headmaster of the local school felt that he had partaken rather freely of champagne; he determined to be careful and avoid showing any of the usual signs of tipsiness. When they rose from the table someone suggested that the hostess exhibit "the latest addition to her family." She agreed and presently the nurse appeared with a dainty pink> basket containing twins. The headmaster was nearest and, mindful of his determination, he steadied himself and s?.id, as he gazed into the basket, "What a beautiful baby!" MEDICAL. "I would advise you, madam," instructed the doctor, "to take frequent baths, get plenty of fresh air, and dress in cool clothes." * "What did the doctor say?" inquired the husband an hour later. "He said I ought to go to Atlantic City and then to the mountains," related the wife. "Also that I must get some new light gowns at once." ■, 4 TOUGH. The patron tried to cut up his steak. After digging into it a dozen times with his knife and fork he summoned the waiter. "Here," he growled, "take this steak back." "I can't do that, sir," informed the waiter. "Why not?" demanded the customer. "You bent it!" was the reply. SAGACIOUS ANIMAL. The subject had turned to that of "dogs," and many stories had been told of the intelligence of these animals. At last the small man sitting in the corner spoke up. "I once had a dog who could always distinguish between a rogue and a respectable person." "What became of him?" asked several voices. "Oh, I had to give him away; he bit me," replied the small man. GOT THE BIRD. While serving as third engineer on aa oil-tanker in Venezuela, South America, Smith caught a macaw and sent it home to his wife. Smith returned home, greeted his .wife. "How did you like the macaw, my dear?" "Who?" said his wife. "The present I sent from South America," said Smith. "What present?" "You know! The parrot, of course! I caught it on the upper reaches of the Amazon." "Oh! That bird!" said Mrs. Smith. "Yes, that's it. What did you think of it?" "Well," said Mrs. Smith, "it was just a weeny bit tough, but it tasted all right!" MORE DEFINITE. "With all due reverence, my boy, I really think our English custom at the telephone is better than saying 'Hello.' as you do in the United States." "What do you say in England?" "We say 'Are you there?' Then, of course, if you are not there, there is no use in going on with the conversation." CANNY. A motorist ran over a dog in the Highlands. Soon the owner appeared, and the motorist, although by no means certain that the accident had been his fault, offered him £3. The owner looked at him dourly and then at the dog, saying, in a Highland accent. "He was a very fine dog." "Well," came the further offer, 'Til give you £4." Still the other's expression was dour, and this time he answered, "But you've spoiled my shooting." The offer was increased. "I'll give you £5, and that's twice as much as the dog's worth." This satisfied the dog owner, who pocketed the money and turned away. That would have been the end of the matter had not the motorist remembered the date. "Hi!" he shouted. "What were you going to shoot at this time of the year?" "Oh," came the answer, "I was just going up the hill to shoot the dog,"