Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXV, Issue 100, 30 April 1938, Page 27

Wit and Humour

"I'm scared. I've just had a letter from a man telling me he'd shoot me if I didn't stay away from his daughter." "Well, all you have to do is stay away from his daughter." "But he didn't sign his name."

Traveller to railway porter: There are Mlf a dozen clocks in this place, and mey are all different. porter: Well, sir, if they were all alike one would do!

■ An American tourist naa ms invitation to shoot over a large estate in England. On the evening before the shoot he went to see the gamekeeper. "Say, I'm one of the crack shots in the States," he said. "Tomorrow you'll be loading for me, and for every bird I miss I'll give you half-a-dollar." After the shoot the gamekeeper went to the local pub and recounted the American's boast to a friend. "And how did you get on?" asked the other. "Fine!" retorted the gamekeeper. 'If I'd had another blank cartridge I'd have made a level fiver!"

It was in the early hours of the morning and a night club reveller, making his way home (head in a swirl), came across a man busy turning off the water main in the centre of some crossroads. He approached the man, hit him on the head with his umbrella, and said: "So you're the damned fellow who turns the streets round."

The doctor had put Pat on a strict diet. "Shure," roared Pat indignantly, "yer goin' to kill me with starvation for the sake o' keepin' me livin' a whoile longer."

"Where will you find the really oldfashioned girl nowadays?" asks a correspondent. "Nowhere. I'm not looking for her."

"I did steal xne chicken," said the poacher, "I just took it for a joke." "Two months," replied the Magistrate, "for carrying the joke too far."

Brown: Is your wife economical? Jones: Yes, sometimes. She had only twenty-six candles on her fortieth birthday cake.

Bert: 'Arry's in 'orspital. Alf: Go on! Bert: Yus; a case of misunderstanding. s Alf: What yer mean? Bert: 'E frew 'is fag-end dahn a manhole and stamped on it.

"Your son must be a very fast runner, George," said farmer Giles to his foreman. "The newspapers say that he fair burnt up the track at the sports meeting yesterday." "Aye, that he did, zur," replied the foreman. "I arrived too late to see the lad race, but when I got there I sure did see the track was nothing but cinders."

HM'M! "Yes," said the husband, proudly, "my wife is always outspoken. "Indeed?" commented his friend. "By whom?" ENOUGH DAMAGE. Bell: What do you think of the candidates for the local election? Hook: I'm very glad that only one can be elected! THOUGHTS. Exasperated Lady Golfer: Boy, I thought you came out with me to look for balls! Boy: Lady, we've both been had. I thought you came out to play golf. VAGUE. Mother: Emily, who was that young man I saw kissing you at the dance last night? • Daughter: Couldn't say, mum. What time was it? EFFECTIVE. Bowles: Did the specialist make you give up anything? Smith: I'll say he did. Smoking, drinking, and £2. THE DISGUISE. The newly-weds had just got off their train. "John dear," said the bride, "let's try to make the people think we've been married a long time." "All right, honey," was the answer, "you carry the suitcases." EVIDENCE IN WHITING.' Doctor: Just a slight cold," nothing more—ask your wife to get you some hot lemonade with plenty of rum in it. Patient: Rum? Doctor, ■would you mind giving me a prescription—very clearly written.