POSTSCRIPTS

Evening Post, Volume CXXIV, Issue 57, 4 September 1937, Page 8

POSTSCRIPTS

BY PERCY FLAGS

Chronicle and Comment

Tomorrow is Father's Day ... ill the garden. ♦ • ■■ • It is when a fellow is too big for his boots that the shoe pinches. * ♦ • Rugby is a New Zealand religion, but it costs- worshippers more than a threepenny bit to attend the service. • • • An appropriate name for those who stroll across the streets like Brown's cows would be quadrupedestrian. Or would it? rmm ' *.».■.» To hear some farmers talk you would think they were not only the backbone of the country but the whole d—skeleton. • • ♦ SQUARING THE CIRCLE. Inconsistency, thy name is— "A radio in every home." "A car for every family." "No man should receive more thaat £600 p.a.—if as much." ' TANTALUS. • • • WORLD FIGURE. Yes, we saw this on the news'board of none other than the "Evening Post": , CHINA DISPLEASED MR. SEMPLE RETURNS. Great boy, our Bob! . S ARSENIC ARNOLD.; } * * • ■ v LIMERICKS. Having finished off that fat Dictator, let's turn our collective mind, for a change, to A dour old man of Argyll, who is, it is scarcely necessary t» say, a grim-faced Scot entirely lacking the joie de vivre of a Boy, Scout or a fan danseuse. Argyll rhymeSN with smile, bile, rile, pile, etc. Such words, if used, should have the "yll" ending— not "ile." We look forward to something special next week. • *. * * POT POURRI. Dear Flage,—What a pity Teddi* Howard wouldn't let your photographer take his picture with his bowler hat ON, instead of holding it (so it seemed to us) self-consciously and sheepishly in his hand, put of sight, almost, of his fans. Add similes: As bored as a nudist in a draper's shop. • Dean Inge's limerick, with slight alterations from the version published, has been causing chuckles for several years past. A wonderfully cheering column, Flage. Don't go on holiday again. SPACEBAR. ; Wellington. j ■ # *. ♦ WELL-WORTH WHOPPER. This week's prize (such as it isn't)' goes^to "Swiften Sure," Otaki. Here it is:— She was a dear old Irish lady, and she didn't know about such newfangled inventions as intersection signal lights—green for "Go," red for "Stop," and a yellow flash to warn that the red or green signal is coming on. So she asked the. policeman. "Shure," said Constable Murphy, "when the green light shows the Irish can go across." , "Indade, and phwat a fine idea it is," said the old lady admiringly. Then, with a wink, she whispered, "Faith, and it don't give them Orangemen long to get over!" . ■ ■ ♦ *, ..•■■' SCHOOL'S IN. Do you know that 1. A ton of shark yields about 90 square feet of leather capable of being turned into shoes, bags, and gloves Of the finest quality? • .. ■) _ 2. The diameter of the sun is 867,000 miles, but flames arise from its surface to a height of 286,000 miles? 3. When a person is lying down hia heart makes 10 strokes fewer a minute than when he occupies an upright position? 4. It has been estimated that some 20,000,000 meteorites enter the earth's atmosphere every day? 5. Cocktails were invented many years ago, and bore such names as "Angel's Whisper," "Red Hot Fixer," "Golden Slipper," "Mother's Murmur," "Widow's Blush," and "Baby's Smile"? 6. The first Englishman to carry an umbrella was Jonas Hanway (1772), who brought his "brolly" from China, where they haye been used Irom time immemorial? 7. Frogs have for long been a popular delicacy in Canada, and it is estimated that some £40,000 worth are eaten in Montreal alone? ' 8. The Breeches Bible was so called because it contained the phrase "They sewed figge-tree leaves together and made themselves Breeches"? (Gen. iii, 7. Printed in 1506). 9. The Eiffel Tower is made of 15,000 pieces of steel riveted together, weighs 7500 tons, and cost 8,000,000 francs? 10. According to a Judge in- the Shanghai Police Court, "eveiy d?S ia entitled to one bite of a human being"? * • • . , CRIBBING. Why the sorrow and the pain . Mixed with the joys that visit us. Why the tares amid the grain, Why the hippopotamus, Why the venom in the snake, « Why the Martyrdom of Man, Why so many a sad mistake, Why these hitches in the Plan? See how the urchin in the school' Steals a surreptitious look, Crafty, impudent, and cool, ' At his good companion's book, Snatches here and there a bit Where his eye may chance to faU,. Not heeding how the pieces fit Into his own ungodly scrawl. Thus an author, deep and sly, An inexpert manipulator, Cribbed whatever caught his eye From some cleverer creator. ARNOLD WALL. «■♦ * ' INFORMATION DEPT. In reply to O.L.G. (Ohakune)v—Details di the matf career of the "Jabilee Plunger," Ernest Benson, appeared in Col. 8 a couple of years ago. At the age of 21 Benson came into a fortune of £250,000, and immediately set all London alight with excitement His best effort was to lose £12.000 at the Three-Card Trick in less than an hour. On one occasion he wagered £2000 that he would "spot" a red-haired woman at a dance before "his fellowwagerer did. The other fellow arranged for a girl friend to wear a red wig and appear at the right moment, so that Benson lost his-money. In a West End restaurant one night Benson betted £2500 on a race between two cockroaches. Two dinner-plates were produced, together with two cockroaches, and then the fun began. While Benson's cockroach crawled lazily across the plate, its rival fairly raced for the winning-post What Benson did not know was that the plate for his own cockroach was cold,' while' that for its rival was hot from the oven so that the insect had to run for its life. Benson spent his £250,000 b| less than two years. He was uodouMb , edly. England's biggest "mucf"