Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXI, Issue 115, 16 May 1936, Page 28

Wit and Humour

Old Salt: Why were you out cruising so late in that lubber's car last night? Daughter: Sorry, dad, but we got becalmed. The wind dropped right out of one of our starboard tires. Sea Captain (to his little niece): This, my dear, is my old friend, Captain Smith,, who lives in the ' Canary Islands. Little Niece (rapturously): Oh, will you please sing? Student: What is the date, sir, please? Master: Never mind the date; the exam, is more important. ' Student: Well, sir, I wanted to be sure, of getting something right on my paper. Nature Lover (gazing at tree): O, beautiful oak, if you could only speak, what would you tell me? Gardener (nearby): He would say he was a pine tree, mate, not an oak! Bill, the sailor, just back from a voyage, stood gloomily at the bar at the Duck and Fox. "What's up, sailor?" asked the landlord cheerily. "You don't seem to be enjoying your beer. Anything wrong?" "Yus," said Bill; "It's all over that parrot I brought home for the missus. I told her that I'd taught it to speak." "No 'arm in that surely?" said the landlord. "No; but my missus's name is Theodosia, and she says to me. 'Why teach it to say "Pretty Polly?" Ain't my name good enough'?" '

* ABOUT AS NECESSARY. A school where women are taught how to buy clothes has been opened, according to a London writer. The next step, no doubt, will be a bathing pool for teaching ducks how to swim. QUITE AGREEABLE. Election Canvasser: • Will you join our party? . ■ Bright Young Thing: Certainly; when is it? EVEN. "Mrs. Jones, I'm sorry I-forgot your party the other day." ''■ . "Oh, weren't you there?" ■ , QUITE ENOUGH. "Isn't he on speaking terms with his wife?" "No —listening terms." DISCIPLINE. Mrs. A: So you are now living at a hotel? - ■ Mrs. B: Yes. Cook got so haughty and domineering that we simply decided to walk out of the house and show her that we can be just as independent as anybody. THE. CURE. First Neighbour: Yer know what a sweet-tooth our Gladys used to be— well, now she's" in the confectionery business she won't loo.k at a sweet! Second Neighbour (feelingly): You don't say! Well, 1 wish I could get my 'usband a job-in a brewery! making!sure. Mistress: • Susan, I saw. a man kissing you at the back door last night. Was it the postman: or the policeman? Susan: • Was it before eight o'clock or after? CUSTOM., Jones (on cannibal island for first, time): Say, Bill, do cannibals always walk in single file? : Bill: I expect so. I've only seen one, and he was. " \ .. ONLY THE NECESSARY. In an American country hospital this sign was displayed:— . "During this intensely cold weather, and owing to scarcity of coal, no unnecessary operations wjll be performed." EASILY ARRANGED. , "So. you're, the chief of police," said the stranger in.a small American town. "Glad to knpw you. I wonder if I could also shake hands with the fire chief?" "Sure," replied the police chief. "Just wait while I change hats."

"Miss Pamela, would you risk a journey through life with me?" . . "Certainly—if you have the money for the fare." "Your coffee, sir,"' said the waiter. "Special from South America." "So that's where you've been!" yawned the diner. Golfer: You only waste your time caddying, my boy; what does it train you for? Caddy: I might be a great explorer some day, sir. Mother: You're not going fishing with Herbie. He's just got over the measles. Son: That's all right. I never catch anything when I go fishing. Teacher: Now, Tommy, if I lent your father ten shillings, and he promised' to pay "it back at two shillings a month, how much would he owe me in three months? Tommy: Ten shillings. Teacher: I'm afraid you don't understand arithmetic. Tommy: . You don't understand father. First Tramp: How did you get up that oak tree? Second Ditto: Lummee, ain't yer got no sense? I sat on it when it was an acorn. Friend: How did you get on at the show last night? Actor: Rotten! The manager kept egging me-on, and the audience kept egging me off!.

FEWER TROUBLES. "That was a mournful picture : they showed- last night," said Ada to her friend. , "Oh,' was it?" said the other. ■ "Yes, but I'm going to see a brighter show next time," said Ada with enthusiasm. - "How do you know it will be?" said the friend. , . . . . . "1 saw next week's programme. ' It says 'Less Miserables.'" SHE HAD PROVED IT. "It can't be done," murmured the girl. "What can't be done?" asked the constable who was pulling her out of the wrecked car. , "Smoking a cigarette, using a lipstick, and driving the car at the same time," she sighed. . . ■ ; . , RECOGNISED. "These look just like the rock cakes my mother used to make when I was a small boy," said hubby,' helping liimself. "Oh, George, I'm so glad!" cried the prouS young bride. - Hubby took a first bite. ' "And, by Jove," he exclaimed, "I believe they are tha.'same cakes!" . ; AGREED. . The : butcher greeted ,the. customer with an embarrassed air. "I am very sorry, madam, but I cannot give you any further credit. Your bill is-, bigger now than it should be." The customer looked at him coldly "I'm quite, aware of that," she said. "If you make it. out for what it should be I'll pay it." : v .•'.-• : QUITE SO. , . .Smith: I .shall be' everlastingly indebted to you, old man, if • you could lend me a pound: .To'mkins: Yes, I know. That's the trouble.' i ■ ■■.-■. '• " UNKIND. . The. privilege which allows prisoners m. a ..certain - Spanish gaol; to' receive dainties cooked by their wives is now withdrawn, following an escape'bv-an inmate with the aid of a file concealed in a home-made cake. The other prisoners, however, hold that there was no file, and that he sawed through the bar with a slice of the cake. . • ' : . ' . .'THE.HOSTS. He had received tickets for the opera from one of his friends. Finding that he was unable to go, he rang up some other friends, and said: "An unfortunate dinner engagement keeps me from attending the opera-tonight;' could you use the tickets?" "We should be glad to do so," was the reply, "but we are your unfortunate hosts." -,■■-,■

PROMISING. . Talkative Stranger (on lonely road, to timid pedestrian): "Funny world, ain't it? Here's you and me walkin' together like old pals, and not so long ago I was doin' time—for robbery with violence." "• ' "■ - ■ MARK OF DISAPPROVAL. A conductor was ten minutes late at a recent concert. We understand that, in pique, the members of the audience refused to begin ' their conversation until the culprit had waved his baton. PROSPECT. _ ; . Sergeant (addressing a dense recruit): You there! How often have I told you not to approach horses from the rear without speaking to them? One of these days you'll get kicked on the head, and I'll have a lame horse on my hands. A GIFTED AMATECR: "The producer; took me off working the curtain. He said I could look after the spotlights." "That's fine." . "Burthen he fired me off that job." "And later he took me off sceneshifting." . ■ ■ . "Well, what are you going to do?" "Oh, he said there was one more chance—l still might be able to be an actor." CURED. In a loud voice, a man called his friend back just as the latter was leaving the restaurant, and then whispered to him: "How far would you have gone if I hadn't called you back?" The other replied, in a tone loud enough for all to hear: "No, sir, I. won't lend you five pounds; I haven't got it on me, and if I had I wouldn't let you have it until you've paid me what you borrowed two months ago." His friend has decided to play no more practical jokes.

THE CUEE. .Doctor: Yes, I see no reason why you shouldn't be in perfect health six months from now if you eat plenty of fruit, nuts, vegetables, fish, and oysters." Patient '(anxiously): Before or after meals, doctor? NO'; MORE STAIRS, Squire (revisiting old manor): And how is my great-uncle, Sir Giles, the ghost, ,who used, to walk up and down the stairs all night? ; New Owner of the Manor- (who has had the place modernised): Oh! ' The - ghost! He doesn't give 'us a wink of i sleep, ringing '..the beU for the lift! ■ ; SOME RECORD. - Airman; (after/landing in a tree): I was trying to make a new record. Farmer: You did. You're the first man to climb down that tree before . climbing up it. . ' VARIETY.^ ' ' i "Yes, I like to give my; husband •■ variety in his meals, especially •at dinner, time. ■ !'.5 ej£lyvH.ow do you manage, it?" ' t T,Wel-i V glve'"bini-boiled ham, but I buy it from a different shop every ■ DEFINED. '•■"'" I s<> Green's new /dog a setter ' • r^ ones='.He' s'neither;.he's■ an upsetter and a disappointer! ■; A LONG KNOCK-OUT.-- ' Pugilist_(comingto after knock-out): 00 he s the champion now? ■ ' Second: Not 'im. 'E's been beaten twice since 'c knocked you out. MISSED THAT .BIT., . New Typist- (following1 rapik dictation): Now, Mr. Jones—what'did you say between—"Dear Sir"•and-'"S-incere- ■ ■•'•.-••• A.SLOGAN. '■■ ' Policeman (to ■ motorist): Why didn't ?nr,i I°"o 1 dow??" Didn't' you- see the notice, ''Slow down here"? •.*■■-■ .Motorist: Yes, but I thought it; was describing your village. THE IMPOSSIBLE. _. Shopper:. So you' don't stock-my size? . Shoe Salesman: As a matter of fact, . madam, we have no shoes that are large on the inside and small; on the BETRAYED. :. The telephone rang in the minister's study. • ■ • . ''This is 'the :stationmaster,": said' a voice. There's a case arrived for you from London, sir, and—-" _"Yes, yes," interposed, the minister. Just a few ■ hymn books I ordered" WeU, you'd better send down for em at once. One of them's leaking." DIPLOMACY. ■He, called at the house and asked if she had any to'beat,, adding that he had been at-the business for twenty years. • . . "How much to beat that carpet?" she inquired. ■ "Ten shillings.""Why, that's • awful! There was a man here yesterday who of-rred to do it for six shillings."- ? "Exactly, ma'am, but how was he prepared? - • ■ ■ • ■ "Prepared? He had a stick in his nan a. "He intended to. take'the carpet out on the vacant piece of ground over there, didnt'he?" "Yes." - • ..-....- ---. "Exactly, and that is a Brussels carpet, much: worn-rit has holes in it He would; make a- great show getting in and.out here. Out on. the public ground he1 would, give you away to everyone who asked to whom •it belonged. Is that the way you want the job done?" "How would you do it?" "t take the carpet-out the back way. 1 wheel it home and beat it in my garden, which is surrounded by a high fence. I bring it back rolled up and covered with a,cloth. If anyone asks me what I have/ I reply that.it is a velvet carpet for 21 Blank Street If no one asks questions I call at the houses on either side of you and ask if_ they have ordered a :new Wilton1. They .watch me and see me come to you. He-got ..the job.