Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXIII, Issue 84, 9 April 1932, Page 17

Wit and Humour

First Sailor (in difficulties over letter)— Can t anyone spell Buenos Aires? SeconU Sailor—Well, leave it, Jack, an' write from the next. port. American Beauty—Oh, Harold, you English are too slow. Englishman—Er—l'm afraid I don't grasp you. Fair One—Yes, that's just it. "Always mind your own business," said the sage. "It doesn't pay to get mixed up in other people's quarrels." „_, *■ don't know!" replied the young man. J- m a lawyer." The school teacher had been reading her class the stories of the lives o£ famous inventors. "Now, then, Bertie, what would you like to invent?" she asked. Bertie rose to his feet, with a puzzled frown on hia face. "Well, teacher," said the youth, "I'd like to invent a machine so that by simply pressing a button all my lessons would be done." The teacher shook her head: "That's V jry M y of yo"- Bertie," she reprimanded. Now let Willie say what he would like to invent?" "Something to press the button." Father—Can you give my daughter the luxuries to which she has. been accustomed? Suitor—Not much longer. That's why I want to get married.

Binks (to shopkeeper): "Have you any eggs iv which you can guarantee that there are no chickens?" Shopkeeper (after pausing a moment): Yes, sir. Duck eggs." Young Goldrokswas showing his friend around his new and luxurious home. "It's beautiful! Most extraordinary," exclaimed his friend in amazement. "It's my wife's idea, you know," Goldroks hastened to explain. "Oh," said his friend, "but surely you've had a voice in the matter?" "Yes," answered Goldroks, "I've—er— had the invoice." The servant was applying for a situation at a lady?s house. The lady came' to the door, also her little boy. "What made you leave your other place?" asked the lady. The servant replied: "I was sacked." "Why was that?' asked fhe lady. "Because I refused to bath the children every morning," said the servant. Then the little boy shouted: "Oh, please, mummy, engage her at once." A school inspector asked the class the question: "What is a statesman?" After a little hesitation one of the boys stood up and answered: "One who makes speeches." "Not bad," said the inspector, smiling encouragingly.at the youngster, ."but not quite right. For instance, I make speeches, but I am not a statesman." After a moment's hesitation the boy tried again:- "One who makes -good speeches." ■ •..•:-.. Smith, on the way to the city, found a_ slip of paper just outside the gate of his house. It was a detailed plan ot his private office. The exact position of the stairs was shown. .Notes showed which doors swung in and which swung out. Even the windows were set down. Smith, alarmed, rushed back into his house. "Some burglar must be going to raid my office," he told his family. "Oh, it isn't that!" cried his daughter, glancing at the sketch. "Those notes are in John's handwriting. He's going to your office to-day to ask you .to let him marry me." . The customer was obviously annoyed, so the waitress approached him. to see what was worrying him. "Is there something wrong, sir?" she asked. "Wrong!" snapped the customer angrily. "Look! There's a fly in the bottom of this ;plate. What's the meaning of it?" "Sorry, sir," returned the girl, "I'm a. waitress, not a fortune teller." Down,in Texas the short cotton crop forced-a, Jarge.^number pi country negroes to the cities'., One', of. them applied for a job' at the office of an'employment agency. ■ -. ■ ■ ■■. "There's a job iv the Eagle Laundry," said the man behind the desk. '"Want it?" The applicant shifted uneasily from one foot to the other. • "Tell you how it is, boss," he said, finally. "I sure does want a job mighty bad, but de fack is I ain't never washed a eagle." An old. ploughman and his wife were celebrating their golden wedding. A reporter from the local newspaper called on them to offer his congratulations and to obtain a story. "I understand, Mr. Skinner," said the reporter, "that you have brought up fifteen children on sixteen and sixpence a week." ■ The old man nudged him hurriedly. "Ssh! Not so loud," he whispered. "I've always told Martha that I only got sixteen and threepence." It was the dance interval. Greta was sitting out with smoothhaired George. "Do you know," she said, by way of making conversation, "when a man who bores me terribly asks me where I live I always say in the country." George laughed. "How frightfully clever of you," he praised, "And where do you really live?" Greta yawned. "In the country," she replied absentmindedly.

Doctor—Did you take my advice and sleep with the window open to cure your cold? Paient-Yes. .... .... Doctor—Did you lose your cold? Patient—No, I lost- my watch. and my pocket ok. Private Doherty was six feet four in his socks; the sergeant-major much shorten The latter-looked along-the line. "Heads up, there, Doherty!" he cried. Doherty raised his head. "Up higher," said the little sergeant-major. "There, that's better. Don't let me see your head down again." ... "Am I to be .always like this?" asked Doherty, staring away above the little sergeant-major's head. ■> "You are." "Then I'll just say good-bye to yez, ser-geant-major, for I'll never see yez again." "You are reading a travel book. Preparing for the holidays?" "No, lam on holiday now. I sit here and dream o£ travel." "But you are reading the book backwards." "Yes. I am on the return journey now." "Does your husband lie awake at night?" "Yes—and he tells them in his sleep, tOO.", ; She—Going to the club again? You know the rent is due next week! He—Oh; don't worry—l'll be back before then!

Hotel clerk: "Dp you wish a private bath?" ' ■ ' Visitor: 'TiTes,. I'm a little, too modest yet to bathe in public." The charity worker was paying her monthly visit to the big prison.Stopping opposite one cell she beckoned to the inmate. ■ , . ■ -. "Well, my man," she said, "1 suppose it was poverty that really brought you here?" The prisoner shrugged his shoulders. "On the contrary, ma'am." he said.- "I was simply coining money." It wasn't often that the local lawyer went to church, but on one occasion he was dragged there by his wife. She was delayed in the porch by a friend, and he entered first. She arrived.just as the curate was reading tie opening prayer about the wicked man..Hurriedly she caught up' her prayer book. '•■■•>.. "Where are they?" she asked Her spouse. Er—-I don't quite knowi" he answered, fumbling with the unfamiliar book; "but I don't ■ think they've opened' the case tor the defence yet!" Mr. Sheckles, the wealthy business man, was in conversation with his office boy. V And don>t you ever forget this, my lad, he said. "I was only an office boy when I started work. I had to start right at the bottom." He paused and added— 'Everything in life's the same. It doesn't matter what yon want to-be, you must start at the bottom." The lad shook his head. '/< Yr? ure awt wron S there, sir," he said. Wrong!' snapped the business man. Can you tell me a single job where you dont have to start at the bottom?" "Yes, sir," said the youth. "Learninff to swim." : Irritated, she turned to her husband, IU-ecl, I wish you wouldn't talk out of the corner of your mouth like that. It gets on my nerves." "I can't help it, dear" countered the hen-pecked husband. "It's through always trying to get a word in edgeways." There was a rumpus in the family. The daughter of the' house had come in an hour ago with the news that she was engaged, and no one approved, of her choice. Mother had done ker best to dissuade her .Now it was father's- turn. ■ "My dear Millie," he said, "you would be making the biggest mistake of your life, burely you couldn't bring yourself to marry such an awful flat as that fellow? lake my advice and think twice about it" Millie tossed her head in defiance shouldn't I marry him?" she said. - ±ie may be a flat; but, having a car a house of his own, and a couple of thousand a year, he is at least a flat with every modern conveniehefe." Mrs. Harrell intended having chicken tor dinner, but as her invited guests could not come she told her cook. Mrs. Harrell: "We will just postpone the chicken to-day." The Cook (puzzled): "Well, I have fried 'em, baked 'em, boiled 'em, but I never did postpone one." . ■ • , _ The two business partners were spendmg the Christmas holiday together. While out walking Ikey stopped in his Stride aud gripped Cohen's shoulder. "something terrible has happened C°]™ n/ lle saM- "Y at shall ye do?" lell me vot it is," Ikey asked the other. . Ikey shrugged his shoulders despair"l've been and forgotten to lock the otnee safe, he confessed. . . "Veil, veil," smiled Cohen, "vat does it matter—ve're both here, aren't ye?" Bristow was showing his neighbour over his house. "There's my equestrian portrait," he said, pointing to a picture on the wall. The neighbour gazed critically at it. ■ ''A very fine snapshot indeed," he replied. "But what makes you think it is a fine snapshot?" asked Bristow; ' "Well, you're still on the horse," came the reply,