EARLY SPEED.

Evening Post, Volume CII, Issue 38, 13 August 1921, Page 14

EARLY SPEED.

I used to mourn with greybeard loons The glories of their vanished:youths; And, since .they'd lived so many moons, I would accept thoir tales for truth. Now I've some vanished youth, and so I've ceased to mourn wiljh them, because If one is what he is, I know He never was the man he was. • Judge.

He: You are one girl in a thousand I She (tearfully): Have there been that many others?

He: What ia the front end of a ferry boat?:; •:,■'. She: The first one to a pier.

"Have you read the latest divorce scandal?" "Which one?"

"I dress to match my complexion." "But hand-painted gowns are very expensive, aren't they?"

; Druggist (in America) : How w that cpuffh medicine holding out? ' Slimsoh: I've got enough for a couple more dinner parties. t

Stage Hand (to manager): Shall I lower the curtain,, sir? One,of the livrn' etatoos 'as got the 'iccups! „ ,

The Father, (to his 'young hopeful): Far be it from me to say that yon are a darn fool, but if anybody eles said so I'd be the fimtito believe it. !

Doctor: "Well, now, what, is your particular affection?" Servant Girl: "Please, "sir,.he's a clarinet player in the- Guards' band." , >■ „. „ . * -.- . '

Mrs; Hoyle:,Were you tried by a jury of your equals ?" \ . -, \ Mrs. Doyle: I/Should/say not; one of i the jurywomen had oil her last --year's hat. '

Mother: Remember, Mary, that you must nevot) point—under any circumstances. ''..',. ■ Mary: I know, mother, but what am I to do when they pass the French pastry?. The census-taker had asked many questions, 'and Mike was tired of answering them. .

"And: what is your religious belief?" the suave' census man continued.

"God forgive-me, but I'm an atheist," said Mike. . . i

iShe: Just^ think of it! A few words mumbled'by the minister and people are married. ! <

He: Yes, and, by George, a',few words ,mumbled by a sleeping husband and people are divorced;

Sea Captain (introducing- friend to hie old aunt): This is my old friend, Barker; he lives out in the Canary Islands. "How interesting," murmured old auntie, and, gathering all her wits, she added: "Then, of course, you sing."

Said one wife to another: "Oh,: really, darling, husbands : are such impossible creatures!" 1 And the other equally fedup, darling-/returned: "No. dear, the trouble id that they're' so possible."

Friend: To what do you attribute your rapid rise in your profession? ;>; i : : ;

Surgeon: It has been my rule all along never to perform an operation unless" I was sure it' would be-a 'success.either way-

Friohd: "How does it happen that you have .«o many, Japanese things in ; your room?" Young'l Wife: "Just before I was married the contents of a Japanese shop, were .sold by auction. All these things-are wedding presents." ' ■ '■';

Vicar: "You musn't neglect their education Mrs. Craddook. Why, I had to pinch severely fco send.my boys to school.'* Mrs. Craddoclc —"Ah, 1 sir, but Craddock is too feared o' the law to do > anything like that!" ' • ■ i

A Golfer's Dozen—Golfer: I want a boy who can count. Now, what are five, six, and three? Caddie: Five, six, and three, sir ? Eleven, sir. : Golfer: Come on. You' 11 do.

{George, who lives in London, happened to meet the vioar of his native parish the other day. He asked after some of his old aoquaint«noee. "And old Mr. Jones?' as asked, "have youl seen him lately?" The vicar shook his head. "I shall never see him sgain," he answered slowly. "Mr. Jones has gone to Heaven." \