ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXXIII, Issue 71, 23 March 1912, Page 13

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

STARTED AT THE BOTTOM. His rise was vory rapid, as His neighbours all declare; Ho was once a chiropodist, But now he's clipping hair. UP-TO-DATE FARMING. The auto on the farm arose Before the dawn, at four, It milked the cows and washed the clothes, And finished ovory ohoro. TJien forth ie went into the field Just at the brealc of day, It reaped and threshed tho golden yield And hauled it all away. It ploughed tho field that afternoon, And when the job was through It hummed a pleasant little tuno And churned the butter, too. For while tho farmer, peaceful eyed, Read by tho tung&ten's glow, Tho patient auto stood outside And ran the dynamo. — Peoria Transcript. ALL SHE ASKED. "All that I ask is love," she sang; They pitied her for her choice, And thought as they sat there listening, And suffering torture, that tho thing She needed most was a voice. COMMISSARIAT TROUBLES. This incident happened at camp, when a corporal, who was making up tho rations, .was approaohed by the tent orderly, who suggested a change in tho dietary. "We sliould like to havo some rhubarb," ho said. "You may have it," replied tho corporal, who, with pencil and paper, then commenced trying to record the order. He began "Ru, hastily abandoning that for "Rev," and then put "Roo" and "Rhou" respectively. Thoroughly exasperated at last, tho corporal exolaimed: "Rubub be blowed ! \'ou'll have cabbage." ! PATRIOTS TO THE FRONT. A little Central American republic was busily engaged preparing for war, as a neighbouring republio was daily threatening an invasion of hor territory; and all available peones were being picked up_ and "recruited* in order that they might learn to fight and die, if need be, for their beloved country. A batch of twenty had just arrived on the scene, and their leader handed a note to tho general in command of the government troops, which read as follows : — "Illustrious General, The bearer of this note will have the honour to turn over to you Dwenty volunteers. Please return the ropes. She had engaged a maid recently from the country, and was now employed in showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and enlightening her in regard to various duties, etc. At last they reached the best room. "These," said the mistress of the house, pausing before an extensive row of masculine portraits; "these are very valuable, and you must be very careful when dusting. They aro 'old masters.' " Mary's jaw dropped, and a look of intense wonder overspread her rubiound face. "Lor", mum, 1 ' sho gasped, gazing with bulging eyos on the faoe of her now employer, "lor", mum, who'd ever 'aye thought you'd been married all these times !" A Belleville (Kansas) merchant has this sign on his store door : "Come in without i knooking. Go out the eamo way." Alaska finds some misohiof Btill for capitalist hands to do. < "I see your neighbour, the banker, is looking for a cashier." "What! Again? He only engaged a new one a little while ago." "Yob. that's the one he's looking for." "Going abroad again?" "No," replied the indolent citizen. "What's the use of bothering with railroads and hotels when your friends will send you postcard pictures that look better than the actual scenery?" "What's tho matter over there in the horn part?' 1 asked Strauss at a rehearsal. "I'm sorry, Dr. Strauss," replied the horn player, "but I can not play this passage on the horn. It may be all right on- the piano, but " "Don't worry yourself," answered tho composer-conductor. "It ii equally impossible on the piano," Mrs. Flipper— Ytts, 'o wob playin' at sojers an' c took the sarepen for an 'elmet, and 'c can't got it off, 60 I'm takin' 'im to the 'orspital. Mrs. Ling — It's a bad job for 'im. Mrs. Flipper — It's a wuss one for me. It's the only pan I've got, and there's me breakfast inside it. "I think," said Mrs. Cumrox, who was arranging a musical programme, "that we wDI have a mezzo-soprano." "All right,*' replied her husband. "Don't bother me about it. Go ahead and tee an architect." "Yes; she promised to be mine aoma day." "But when?" "She can't exactly say as yet. Seems she will first have to break off four or five other engagements." When the sergeant of the guard camo round on his visits tho greon sentry was nowhere to be seen. The Borgeant was about to depart to make enquiries when *horo came a rustling noise from a heap of straw, and the sentry stood before him minus his boots and looking very sleepy. "Halloa!" cried the sergeant; "where were you when I camo round just now?" "Marching round," was the sentry's reply, given, in tones of conscioub virtue. "Marching round, were you? Why, you've got your boots off." "Yes, sergeant, I took 'em off so's I shouldn't wake the 'oases." Dolly — Sho married a very old man, didn't she? I understand ne had ono foot in the grave. Polly— That's what she thought, too ; but ho still continues to buy his «hoos by the pair. Little Hazel : "Papa, what did you say to mamma when you made up your mind you wanted to marry her?" Mr. Meek: "I said, 'Yes, dear.' " Of the diplomatio circles is a delightful woman whoso English is still French. She was urging an officer of tho Navy to attend a ball, tho invitation to which he had already declined. "I can't," ho protested; "I havo burned my bridgos behind me." "Oh," she implied, "1 will lend you some of Henri's." Tho operation had been performed and the patient prepared for burial. "I cannot undorstand," taid tho family physician, soothingly, "how Bon was able to live with such an affliction as he had." "Oh, wo havo been years," roplied the sorrowing widow, "trying? ,to persuade him to have the operation. Optimist: Aftor all, marriago is the" thing. If you marry tho right woman, thore is nothing like it. Pessimist: And if you marry the wrong \i ornau, there is nothing like it ! Son-in-law (superintending mothor-in-law's funeral) : I suppose — or — you've dug it deep enough? « Lady : I guess s'ou're. gettin' a good thing oufc o' tending tho rich Smith boy, ain't ye, doctor? Doctor: Well, yes; I got a pretty good fee. Why? Lady: Well, I hope you won't forgot that my Willie threw tho brick that hit 'im. Two brothers, pach of whom is nearly six feet and a half tall, woro one day introduced by an acquaintance to ii young lady._ As sha sat guzing up at tho pair of giants in wonder and nwe, she oxolaimod : "Great heavens ! Supposo there had been only ono of you !" The class had taken up the subject of tho rulors of the world. The President of tho United States, tho King of England, and thoir powers and functions had beon discussed. Suddenly tho teacher said, "Now, Willie, what'b a kaiser?" "A kaiber," roplied tho absent-mindod Willie, whoso long suit was geography instead of political hiutory, "is a, btrenm ©' hot wator »priuj;ui' up und disturbing , the, earth, -