At a Hallway Station.

Evening Post, Volume LXXIII, Issue 28, 2 February 1907, Page 10

At a Hallway Station.

» ■ .« Fat Lady (with family) : Now, children, stand here, and don't move till I come to you. Mary, take the luncheon basket and umbrellas, and get a carriage ; don't let any ono get in. John, have the luggage weighed ; I'll get the tickets. Best Man (to guard); Yes— engaged — leslie? Yes, all right. Guard: Thankee, sir. Best Man (to bride and bridegroom) : Yes, it's all right ; here's your carriage. Bride: We won't get in yet. Kitty and Tiny and the Major are motoring do\yn to see us off." (Weding guests arrive and form a group, blocking the platform.) Kitty: Well, it's over! Don't yam 1 wish it was all coming over again to- ■ morrow? Bridegroom (aside) : Heaven forbid ! 'liny: Quito the jolliest wedding I've, been to this year ! Porter: By your leave, ladies! Major (to bridegroom): You'd have time for a cigarette, Tom. (Tom lights up thankfully.) F.L. (marshalling family): This carriage? That's right, Mary! Get in, children! Nothing like being in time and doing things comfortably! Teddy. Oh, mummy, may I have a bun? F.L. : No, dear ! wait till we've ' started. Chorus: Oh, mummy, do let us! (Lady unpacks basket.) Patient Husband : Now, Maria. The Folkestone train starts in ten minutes, and the Brighton in fifteen, so you must make up. your mind. Maria: Yes, dear, I've quite decided; and I'd like to go to Ilfracombe. P.H. : But that's from Paddington. Maria : Then you'd better get another cab. P.H.:— ! « » .Ticket Collector; Tickets, please, (lo F.L.): Wrong part of the train/ ma am ; you must go forward. (Wild scrimmage to close basket, collect luggade, and rush forward. F.L. : Oh, Mary, how could you be so stupid ! We shall never get seats ! Why didn't I see to it myself? You must take Teddy and Jackie, and I'll take — and the lunch all in ono basket. T.C. (to bridegroom) : Tickets, please. (Bridegroom fumbles in pockets.) Kitty : Tom thinks he's looking for the ring ! ; Best Man (suddenly remembering) : Oh ! here th<>y are, old fellow. Guard : Take your seats, please. F.L. (to bridegroom) : I beg your pardon, but would you let us get into 'your carriage? You see, there's nowhere else where we can all sit together, and I should be so grateful. ] Bridegroom (helplessly) : Well, really Bride: Oh, Tom! (Party protests. F.L. and family carried off and distributed by guard.) Chorus: Well, that's cool! And if we'd not stopped them. Tom would have let them in! Tom, you ass ! Bridegroom : Well hang it all ! Bride : Poor Tom ! What could he do with a harpy like- that?Chorus: Why, you're off! Good-bye. The luggage is in front, mind. Goodbye. Good luck ! Mind you write ! Bridegroom: inank heaven, that's over, Pussy ! Best Man: If ever I'm best man again 1 ! • " Major : Poor old Tom ! F.L. (out of window) : I call this line disgracefully managed — that two people should have a whole carriage, whileTeddy : I'm glad we have tho lunch, anyway. (Long row of people waiting at a third-class ticket-office at London railway station.) Booking-Office Clerk (to very old lady fumbling with change) : Now, then, mum, v/hejf you are quite ready ; this ain't the 'Ouse of Commons. pld Lady (unexpectedly) : So I perceive young man; more like kennels judging by tho puppy I see before me. (Passes on ; cleric collapses.) Countryman (in smock); 'Ow much my tkket mister ? Clerk : Where for, single or return? Countryman : Why, 'ome to mother to be sure. Clerk (grinning) : Well, where does mother live? Countryman: What's that to you? Keep civil, young feller. Fussy Lady (excitedly) : I have my ticket, but would you open this tin of petted meat, the only sustenance I have for the journey Clerk : pass on, mum, no time to Lady : I shall report you, sir, for insolence and neglect of duty. Clerk: Do you take me for a booking offico clerk, a Spiers and Pond waiter, and an old lady's nuss rolled into one? Pass on pkase. Fine Lady : It is the first time I ever travelled third class ; is it possible to purchase a ticket to Blow-on-the-Fold ! My relative the Marchioness of j Clerk : Can't do with the Peerage J 'ore, mum ; single ? Lady (indignantly) : Certainly not, | sir ; married. Married, sir, to Sir Anthony Irascible Old Colonel: .Excuse me, madam, but I shall miss my train. Clerk, give me a return to Dashford Lady : Sir, you aro no gentleman. Do you realise you address the widow, the widow, sir, of a baronet? Colonel: Can't help 't, inndam, if you were tho widow of tht» Devil himself, I can't miss my train. Lady : (shrieking) : Blasphemer ! Carpenter (dashing down money) : Two thirds to the Royal Borough. Clerk : Wrong station. Paddington or Waterloo. Diminutive Schoolboy : Three tickets Sparrow-on-the-Spill. 1 Clerk: Threepence more, sir. Schoolboy: Cleaned out. Take packet of toffee to make up? Clerk: Sorry sir; can't do that. Schoolboy (to companion) : Here, Nosey, what's to do? No moro oof, three browns short ; chap won't tako toffee instead. Companion (fumbling in five pockets) : Hero you are, Bags two penny stamps and two halfpenny ones on an envelope directed* to Aunt Jemima. Clerk : Ought not to take 'em sir. " Schoolboy ; If you dpn't we shall get back late for lock up, and thon (Exprossive pantomime.) Clerk: Well, just for once, sir; but don't do it again. Schoolboy: All right, old geyser; remember you in my will ! Small Girl (blubbering) : Pleaße, sir, what bo I to do? Little Billy 'as gono and swallowed 'is 'arf -ticket! Lunatic : Ticket, O man of Ticket Office ! ticket for mo ! Clork : Where to, sir ? Lunatic : Where, indeed ? (Singing). "Oh where and oh where is our Edu- j cational Bill?" Special ticket, of courso next the engine. Can't you see I'm an air cushion, and require to be blown up? (Keeper secures him.) Cleric : Well, I'm blessed ! (Bangs down shutter.) — Westminster Gazette.

Isaacs — Vot makes Goldberg look so sad? Cohen — Didn't you hear he yon a capital priz» in der lottery ? Isaacs — Veil, vosn't it big enough? Cohen — It yoB big enough ; but Goldberg had ten tickets, and he's kickin' himself fer do money he trowed awa' yon nine. Monsieur — It is a remarkable fact that the biggest fools marry the pret- : tiest women. Madame (smiling) — [vOh, you flatterer^ "-<.