WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume XXX, Issue 10, 11 July 1885, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

A Vermont husband got wind of the proposed elopement of his wife, and frustrated it by keeping guard over her silk dress. She wouldn't run away iv a calico gown, aud he knew it. ''Papa, where did the dogs get .their bark?" "Can't say for sure, my son, but presume they obtained it when the druggists, following Shakspeare's advice, threw physic at them. It was long the custom for Seqeder ministers to wear knee breeches. It is said Dr. Jamieson, of Nicholsonstreet Secession Church, Edinburgh, author of The Scottish Dictionary, was one of the first who made a new •departure as to that custom. Au orthodox Old Light hearing of it exolairaed, " Hech me ! What, are we really coming to nop 1 Hasna Doctor ,Jamieson actually been up in the pulpit in a pair o' pantajoons !" It is told of a worthy minister, who lived not 2Q miles from Aberlour, and sometimes officiated as chaplain of a prison, that in acting in this capacity he often forgot where he was, and used in .prayer the customary petition — " May' Our numbers be increased,; parry us. to our respective places of abode." '"Don't you suppose," said a member of the police force, " that a policeman knows a rogue lt Tyhen he sees him 1 " "No doubt," was the, reply ; but the trouble is that he does not seize a rogue, when he know,s ,him." That is a happy instance ,of confused, ideas which John .Strathesjc gives in his, second volume afyout' Blinkbouny. "Annie was so pleased with jbhe Pilgrim's Progress that she .read it-on>week days,, despite Tibbje's singular question—' Lassie, are ye no feared to read sio a gudb book, an' this no $he Sabbath Day ?'" " I neypr argy agin a quccess," says Artetnus Wjard. .'''When I .see a, rattlesnake's head sticking out of a hole, I bear.qff to the left, and say to myself, • That hoje belongs to that snake.'" - . „, , „ „, , " I wish I had.a gentleman opposite to me !" .said an irritable ,old fellow at a dinner pnrty. ' " Why do you wish such a thing?*' was the retort. " You caunot be more i opposite to a gentleman than ..you are at present." ' '' Do they, dresa well atyour house 1 !" said one boarder to another at a seaside resort. " Well, the girls dress pretty well, but the dressing of the salad is very' poor." What is a ship without a sail 1 Adk'u, my love, adieu. What is a monkey without a tail 1 A dude, my love, a dude. ift a diuner party recently the hostess observed that a lady had no spoon for her soup, and called the attention of the man-servant to the fact Ho replied, iv a voice which was heard all over the room, " Mum, when the last lady of that name was here we lost a spoon !" It is stated a lecturer argued so powerfully at Manchester against the use' of tobacco that seyeral of his ' audionce went home' and burned their cigars— holding one end of them in their mouths. A Avit sufferiug from a severe attack ' of gout in both feet was asked how he was getting on. " Very badly," he replied, lugubriously, " but I-feel thankful I have only two legs." An exchange says :— " Bundled paralysis" is a new disease. We guess not. Let a man go shopping with his wife, aud if the bundles don't paralyse him, then he is proof

agatust a clip with a sharp rock. — Lowell Courier.