AS YOU LIKE IT.

Dunstan Times, Issue 2486, 21 June 1909, Page 4

AS YOU LIKE IT.

r A Newburg goat the other day devoured an entire volume at one sitting. That a what you might call a regular swallow tale goat,

A professor says the world is growing larger, but we doubt whether at will ever be big enough to satisfy the schoolboy with his first pair of trousers and watch. She was a sweetly inexperienced young housekeeper, as one may gather from her remark when someone suggested that she should, purchase spring mattresses. " Yes," she said, "if they are in season we had better have one.”

A Claim for Compensation. —"Why don't j'on work?" said Marivaux to a sturdy beggar who asked alms from him. " You seem strong and hearty," " Ah, yes," responded the mendicant,'" but if you only knew how lacy I am," “ Don't you think you have a good mamijia, to spread nice pieces of bread-and-jam for you ?" said an old lady to a little boy who was enjoying his tea, " Yes,” was the reply ; “ but she would be still better if she'd let me spread on the jam myself.” An Altered Case. —A young Indian widow, following the usage of her country, was about to burn herself together with the ashes of her deceased. *' You go to rejoin the spouse you have lott." said the priest encouragingly. What," said she, “to rejoin my husband ? In that case I shall ;emain where I am."

A recent advertisement containg the following;—" If the gentleman who keeps the shot-store with a red head will return the umbrella of a young lady with whalebone ribs and au iron handle to the slate-roofed grocer’s simp, he will hear of something to his advantage, as the same is the gilt of a deceased mother how no more with the name engraved upon it. Landlord to Tenant. —" Good morning, just called round to see if it would be convenient to settle your quarter’s rent, sir." "Tenant "Did, ch ?" Do you know, landlord, that none of the doors in this house will shut ?" Landlord—" New house, sir, New house, you know; lakes time to settle." Tenant—" Ah, then there’s a pair of us. I’m a new tenant; It takes time for me to settle, too. Good morning. Cal) again." Tom Stokes, half tight, went .to the shop for a shave. As no one was in. he sat down and was soon sound asleep. A wag came in, made a clean shave of Tom’s head, took a wig from the shop case, put it on, and left him 10 his nap. Tom woke, put on his hat, and went home to bed. It the night the wig came off, and next morn his wife saw a bald head. " There 1" said she, ” 1 knew how it would be, Stokes. Your brains went long since; now your hair has gone as well." A writer in a juvenile magazine lately gathered a number of dictionary words as defined by certain small people, of which the following are probably genuine ;—" DustMud, with the juice squeezed out. Fan—A thing to brush warm off with. Ice—Watei that stayed out in the cold and went to sleep Monkey—A very small boy with a tail. Pig a hog’s little boy. Salt—What makes your potatoes taste bad when you don’t put any on. Wakefulness--eyes all the time coming unbuttoned."

A Curious Twist.—A labourer who was employed at a building in course of erection in the town of G—— found, on getting up one morning, that he had slept too long. He put on his clothes as quickly as possible, but in his hurry he put the back of his trousers to the front, put his belt round them, and went away to his work without discovering his mistake. On taking a “hod ”of bricks up the ladder he missed his footing, and fell with a crash to the ground. Some of the workmen, hearing the noise, came running up, and, lifting him to his feet, enquired ii he was much hurt, and he, looking down and seeing his trousers, replied, “ I think I'm no much hurt, but I've got a terrible twist.”

False Rumour. Rossini had laid a wager ; it doesn’t matter what it was about, but the stake was a turkey with truffles. His adversary lost, but was in no hurry tc Rossini met him one day ahd said—- “ Well, what about that turkey?” "Ah! the tuffles are not in season just now.” *' Nonsence,’* said the maestro, “ 'tis the turkeys that have spread that report.” , A Revised Version. —" What do you :think of our cathedral ?" asked a Parisian o) a countryman whom he met coming out ol ;Notre Dame. "It is very fine," was the ireply, “ but a thought occured to me whilst I was there during the service, and it was that the choir should make a slight altera tion in their liturgy. Instead of saying—- * Lord, have mercy on us, miserable sinuses ! they should say—* Lcrd, have mercy on us miserable singers !'"

One day, before breakfast, Mrs Bates had been showing her new servant girl how to cook some sausages, and after seeing them carefully dished, left the kitchen, telling Betsy to bring them to table along with the tea. The tea was brought but the sausages were not to be seen. “ You have forgotten the sausages," said Mrs Bates. " No, please ma'am; You said I was to bring them in with the tea." So she had. They were in the teapot. Absolution, —An audacious thief whil on his knees in the confessional, filched th«. |watch of the priest to. whom he was confessing. “ Father,“« said he, " I steal.” What, my son." Father, I have stolen (the watch was now in his pocket), but I would ‘restore. To you, father, would I give back jwhat I have stolen." "It i n’t to me that iyou should restore, but to him from whom (you stole." “But, father, he from whom. I stole won’t have it." “ Ah, well, you may [keep it yourself.

! Quits. —A pastry cook whom a poet had praised highly for his skill in cookery, in some verses he had written, wished to reward him for his compliment by presenting ,him with a cake. The poet found, however, that the paper at the bottom of the cake was jpart of his poetical production, and went in ja rage to complain of this insult, " Why do you reproach me ?" said the cook. "We are quits now; for you made your verses on my cakes, and I make my cake upon you* jverses. It Worked. — " Here y’are now ; twt packages for twopence !" yelled a seedylooking envelope-pedlar in Holborn. *' Here y’arc, this way, two packages for a penny!" howled another envelope-pedlar, almost hustling his fellow-merchant off the pavement. Women out shopping noted the difference in prices, and soon bought out the two-for-a-penny man, Then both, pedlars drifted round the corner, and tht« one who had sold no envelopes divided his stock with tho other, remarking, with a chuckle, " It .works bee-utifully, old pal, don’t it ?" 1 In the north of Lanarkshire lived a wellknown character of the name of Sandy B , who lived in a turf house, the roof o i which was badly in need of repair. This, however, Sandy was too lazy to do. and c t a wet day the neighbours used to laugh a (Sandy, who sat inside with an old umbrell. over him to keep off the rain, which came in by several holes in the roof. " Man. Sandy." •aid a neighbour to him one wet day, ", you ihould mend the roof; you might as well bae a big riddle for a root as that." '• Toots, plan," said Sandy, " it’s far ower wet to Smi the roof the day, and on * dry day I m •***