DIVERSIONS

Dominion, Volume 31, Issue 242, 9 July 1938, Page 3 (Supplement)

DIVERSIONS

“One Scotch rabbit, please.” “What on earth’s a Scotch rabbit? “Oh. just the same as a Welsh one. but without the toast and cheese.”

There bad been a head-on car collision, and both drivers were waiting for the police to take particulars. Sandy offered MacTavisb, with whom he bad collided, his flask. “Have a drapple,” be said.

After MacTavisb had had several, he remarked to Sandy: “It's nearly all gone. Why don’t you have a drappie yourself?” “No fear, mon,” said Sandy; “not uutil the policeman’s been.”

One day a neighbour came over and wanted to borrow Grandpa’s new rope. Said Grandpa: “No, I’ve got to use that rope to-day to tie up some sand.” After the neighbour had left a friend said: “Grandpa, you know you can’t tie sand with a rope!” “Remember, my boy,” replied the old .man, “you can do pretty near anything with a piece of rope if you don’t want to lend it.”

The chief of the village fire brigade was making bis report to the chairman of the village council. “Yes, sir,” he said proudly, “we put out the fire just ten minutes after we got there.” “Ve'ry praiseworthy,’’ said the chairman. “Had it got a good start of you?” “I should say it had,” said the fire chief. “When we got there only the foundation was standing.

A sergeant was training a bunch of raw recruits on the rifle range. At 100 yards every one of them missed the target. At fifty yards the result was the same. He moved them up to the twenty-five-yard range, and still not a bn’let hit the target. Enraged, the sergeant shouted: “Fix bayonets; charge!”

Two cronies met. at lunch. “How’s things?” one asked. “How are they? Rotten, old boy. Honestly, if they keep on like this, it looks as though my last income-tax return will be just about correct!” said the other, gloonrily.

“Men,” cried the colonel, “there is an announcement I want to make. Last night my wife presented me with a son.”

The men cheered, threw their hats in the air, and general pandemonium reigned for nearly five minutes. When order had been restored, the colonel, pleased with the enthusiastic reception of his announcement and the congratulations, indicated that he had another announcement.

“Men and officers” —he cleared his throat —“I thank you.” * « * Having fallen on bad times, a miner had to take a job as an assistant waiter in a small restaurant in Glasgow. A snobbish young man came in one day and ordered a steak. Later he called the waiter and complained about it. “It’s not nearly tender enough,” he said.

“What do ye expect it to do?” asked the miner-waiter. “Jump up and kiss you ?”

The only thing that ever caused an argument between the busband and wife was her dog. Arriving home one evening he found his wife busily engaged in combing and brushing it. “Look here. Jane,” be cried, “are you using my comb on that dog?” “Yes, dear,” his wife returned sweetly, “but you needn’t worry. I washed the comb first.”

Mrs. Robinson entered the kitchen to find a policeman sitting at the table with the cook.

“Well, Mary,” she demanded, angrily, “what's the meaning of this?” Mary twisted her fingers nervously,, then smiled and replied, "Well, mum, I got him in to crack the nuts with his truncheon!”

Smith was returning home one night when cries for help attracted his attention. A big man was beating a much smaller individual.

“Leave him alone ” shouted Smith, and then knocked-out the big man with a well-timed uppercut. “Thanks,”, said the little man, after be had pulled himself together. “Now, look here, you share this ten-bob note I sneaked from his pocket,”