Facetiae.

Clutha Leader, Volume XX, Issue 1025, 16 March 1894, Page 3

Facetiae.

Teacher : ' What is the chief object of a Government V Scholar (of the right color) • To keep in office, Sir.'

A Scotch elder remarked in strict confidence to a friend : Man, it's an awfu' peety that swearin's a sin, for ther's nae doubt that it's a grand setoff to a story.

The Captain : ' By Jove, Miss Pompadour, how the costumes and make-up alter people ! I hardly knew you.' Miss Pompadour : 'Do I look such a fright, then V The Captain : 'On the contrary, you look charming.'

She (another's) : ' But it isn't right for you to say you love me, you must only think it.' Her summer lover : ' But I don't think it ; I only say it.'

The heiress : I am the only girl ih the whole wide world you love 1 He : No dear ; but you are the only girl I know who could afford to marry me.

' Why, Bridget, did mamma have another husband before she married ray papa V ' Vis, darlint ; but he doied, yer see.' ' Oh, Bridget, I'm so sorry mamma lost her husband 1' ' Faith an' ye'd better be glad, Bessie ! If he'd lived, he might 'a' made ye a cruel stip-father !'

' Here, William,' said a Philadelphia merchant briskly, as he entered his office — ' take this bunch of flowers into Miss Typist, and here's a baseball ticket for the game this afternoon for yourself, and tell Mr Pennibs that he can have the vacation we were talking about whenever he wants it, and ' William, breaking in : 'Is it a boy or a girl, sir V

A man went into a chemist's and asked for . something to cure a headache. Ths chemist held a bottle of hartshorn -to his nose, and he was nearly overpowered by its pungency. As soon as he recovered, he^began to rail at the shopkeeper. ' But didn't it help your headache V asked the chemist. ' Help my headache !' gasped the man. ♦ I haven't any headache." It's my wife that has the headache !'

« A short time ago a little boy was busily engaged at his lessons. His father, a leading citizen, had gone to his ' lodge,' and his mother was busy sewing. The little boy looked up and asked, ' Mamma, what does the word -" pretext " mean V ' When, your father says he has to go to tbe lodge two or three times a week, that is a pretext to get away from his family.' The boy did not say anything, but next day, when he read it out to the whole school, his definition of * pretext'created a sensation. -