THE PASSING SHOW-UP.

Press, Volume L, Issue 15138, 30 November 1914, Page 3

THE PASSING SHOW-UP.

<By ''Ku£Cobiii."; BRANDY AND THE VICTORIA CROSS. The British army fighting at the front is a teetotal army. 0 ye., sir. I beg to contradict you. it is. Mr Cocker says so. Mr Cocker .ays •_. six days a week.. If wo Lad a Sunday paper in Chr-is.church. Mr Cocker would publish the fact- by arrangement, on the seventh day. too. All this is apropos of Lieutenant Dimmer's winning of the Victoria Cross the other j day. The cable about it appeared in ; Tuesday's papers. Dimmer was in ! charge o: a maxim s<r_sd. with four j maxims. The- Prussians nourc-d lead f into them by the ton weight. Dimmer ' was filled with it. A friend save him j a nip of brandy. fNow. now. Mr Cock- j cr. look away, please!) So Dimmer ; kept pumping volley after volley j into the charging deutscher?. Three of j the maxims were put out of action, all } tho men manning them were- killed. { Dimmer wounded in five places, crabbed the-bottle- of brandy, seoiied the lot and then, from the one maxim remaining, | fired three, belts of 300 cartridges each j till every German of them went down, j When British relief arrived they picked 1 up Dimmer unconscious beside his j maxim ar.d his dead marine. Now they've _;iren him tho Victoria Cress. . . 1I"U"e yon any remarks to make. | Mr Cocker? Or perhaps yonr fellow- ; philanthropists, the cciv.a! Mr Toombs I or tho intellectual Mr Williams might like to give, some tc-timony. A little scientific disquisition upon the utter wor.hles.nesK of brandy as a restorative would be very apropos. We've heard it so often that you must know it otT by hean r-n~. Dear denr. dear. poor earnest deluded cranks! Whenever will you stop making futile noises and come down to the r"vy], green earth-' « _ * PROS BEER IT Y. The Prohiboo?.. logician.. with mnch unctuous aporoval. are pointing to the prosperity of towns in "dry" districts and saying: "Ladie. and centiemen. if | ycu deny yourself a glass of ale and live j by liver to. > alone (37 p«?r cent, alec- : hoi), yon will be c-ven ns prosnorotis as j these! '"Then eom»s the long dreary - roll of Ashburton. Ma.t-.ton. "Oamani. i and Invercargill-—a 1! towns that have | bartered away their birthright- for a j moss of raspberryade. 1 hate figures ! at any time, but if population gives any index to prosperity here are some comparative fables that ma-;<*- or.c v.-order I what those weird Prohii—-sbtcr.s will hed I to crow. ..bout next: TOWN? UNDER PROIIIBOOZE. Ponulat'o" Percent. Towns. 1900 1911 Increase Ashburton ... 256.'. 2671 OA-l Ma-.ter.on ... 5026' 5152 0.62 Oamaru ... 5C71 5152 0.30 TOWNS UNDER LICENSE. Pet ono ... :.""_i3 GG4O 2.5-1 Strafford ... 2127 263 D 4.80 Hastings ... 159 { 62-?6 7.40 Of course, Invercargill i.s iho great wizard-worker 1:1 the _ly grog camp. Invarcargil! under No-license has progressed by 2.65 per annum. But—and here's something that should make the : jovial Toombs pause in his; unbridled ! mirth—Timaru progressed by 6.76 per ! cent, per annum, and this is a town that know.*; not Cocker. • _ . BEER AND BREAD. | Beer is just liquid bread, bread is just solid beer. Out of cereals, yeast and water yon make bread; out. of eerj eals, yeast and moro water you make } beer. Now, we all knew beer is an abomination. A single glass will make men murder, and beat their wives and become lunatic and commit terrible crimes. We know this is .0 because Mr Cocker and his satellite lxN.riousitie.s 1 never tire of telling I*s about- it. Now. j I think it's up to us to retaliate. I_et ' us start a now moven-qnt. something j tiiat will reform the world in an eyewink and make it lovely to live in. My I -tiggestion ia a "No Bread Federation." ! "Ever, slice a. vice!'' —that-"11 do-for a war-cry. I— t us act medical Opinion to ait—t that new brer.d causes dyspepsia and dyspepsia fills our lunatic asylums, crowds our gaols, sacrifices innocent young lives, saps the fibre of the nation, make.; mon lose their .ens*, of responsibility nnd shakes the pillars of .society. In fact, prove that bread doe. all that, is charged against ita full brother, beer. Any doctor who wop.ld give the one a eertiScato would do the same for the other. Personally. I'll back a man to get over a jamboree of beer quicker than he will over a good blcw-out of new bread. I've tried tho former and feel no worse for it, but the thought cf tlie latter fills mo with a sad sodden pain! » * * JACK LONDON—NATURE FAKIR. At Mr Snowden's famous ''Reply'" meeting. Mrs Snowdcn made herself a very charming advertising agent for Jack London. Now. Jack Loudon is one of those modest, retiring > American souls who writes ''rcd-blo-d" stories. You'll see his portrait iv nearly every American magazine, dressed in -some "Call of tho Wild"' costume, beloved of picture-show folk. The pictures aro not poses. O, dear, no: Jack Louden is too simple a primitive for that. Ho loathes advertisement. All he wishes to do is to hide his diminished sombrero in his own little- chicken ranch. But. also, his splendid, simple soul yearns to bo appointed Governor of California . . . and to bo elected on the anti saiorm ticket. So ho has a book. It's a chunk .01 life—as tiio Band of ITopo sees life. It tells with a close adherence to.truth, how he got very, very drunk at fivo years of age. Mrs Snoivden bad tears in hor voice when she referred to it. At seven years of age he had the wildest jamboree ever, drinking ever s_ many glasses of raw wino forced- down his throat by bloodthirsty Italians. After that, ho walked home, staggering quite a deal — his homo being some miles nw..y over rough country. It's a very heartrendinr story. Mrs Snowdcn told it excellently, but I .. . . O. well. 'Alr.cc- aux -U-eos!" Mv suggestion Mr Jack London is pulling teetotal legs is a base nsnersion of a great writer. Ho didn't churn out this melodrama to secure him the nnti-saloon nomination for the Govcracrshm. O, dear, no! « » * A PERSONAL EXPLANATION. It appears that the present- writer is causing the Rev. .1. Cocker quite a lot of concern. This is unfortunate. 1 have no other wish than to drink my alo in peace. Mr Cocker, in that masterpiece of P.rohiboozo journalism tnat he edits, refers to mc as "a merry jingler." ' and "a _el.-admit.only _ import—! would be genius." also, at t " n " V!f when he feels more kindly, as "the •Bulletin* mush writer." and "a hired hack." The gift of trenchant satin, that Mr Cocker commands is annihilating. But there is ono point in one of j his complimentary references that 1 take umbrage at. It is that Prohibi- ■ tion is "too Christ-like to ho seriously 1 affected by the nonsense" 1 write. Now. I wish to'offend no one's religious feelings. But perhaps'Mr Cocker will allow mo to Point out the wine at thc Wedding Feast at Con... and the Pharisee who c.mnlained at Our Lord being .1 '•wine-bibber." That is all that need l>e said on this subject. * • • Littlo words of nnn«cn«p. Little digs of mush. Make the prohiboozersWallow in the ..lusTf. _ • • TWO CRUSHING CABLES. No 'comment necessary; hero they arc: —I;ondon "Evening News," November 10th:—Sir Victor Horslcy said it is plainly absurd, in view of the enormous quantities of rum ordered for the troops, io speak of us uso a.s medicinal." "Daily Chronicle." November 19th: —"Sir J* Crichton Browne said : I am no uncompromising or fanatical opponent of alcohol. I believe it hns played iUs part in human evolution.

and it'has its social uses, and that itis an invaluable rcmeoy in certain states of unh.alth and disease. I confess I do not see any objection to the rum ration if the men feel it does them good.*' (PtT—ISHED JST AP.BAXC__IE-.*T.)