AMUSING.

Bruce Herald, Volume XI, Issue 108, 31 January 1879, Page 7

AM USING.

+ Whnt i thrt d ffevencH b tween a chu-ch ."iV*'n*st and the innV.ienza 1 One stons the no c and the other iinows the stops. Foregoes was 'lie word given oufc at a written spelling exercise i-i bevdeen receutly ; and one little boy handed in "Go, g«\ g'S go," A devoted husband says tha* the phouogrphis simply a machine—that "talks b -ck," and h- has one of that kiud in his house ever s«ince he Was married. An Aberdeen pap.i, bent on instructing his son, said: "If you had three apples and should give one away, how many would you have left!" " I wou dn't do it, pa," was the prompt reply. An old lady remarkable for her confused ideas of the meaning of words, describes a clear summer evening thus : — •* It was a. beautiful bright night—and themoon made everything as light as cork." A lad, ,d delivering his milk a few mornings ago, was asked why tha milk was so warm. ." 1 don't know," he replied with much simplicity, " unless they put warm water into ifc instead of cold." " I did not expect any visitors to-day," said a lady to her visitor, with not a very peasant look : " but I hope you will make yourself at Lome."—" Yes indeed." replied one of them starting off, " I will make myself at home as quick as possible." " Who made you 1' was asked of a small g'rl. She replied. " God me that length," indicating with her two hands the ordinary size of a new born infant; "and I growed the rest mysel." This was before Topsy's timp, and is wittier than even " Spects I growed." Two passengers were playing cards in the train from Bath to London. "It is very odd," remarked one of them, "we've been playing a long time, and I haven't seen a single king." " It's very natural," replied the other, "seeing that you have the king of hearts up your sleeve, and I have the other three in my boot." They di.ln't play any move after that. A minister iv the country was preaching his forenoon sermon, and took for his text Acts xx., 22—" i go bound in the spirit to Je n-alem, not knowing the things that shall btf ill me." "Ah !" ?aid one of the elder---, who was n >* uiuchconce ned at tho ministerial change, roudiy en..ugh, *** weel k'-ns he that the stipend is fifty pun be ter wham* he's gaun th m it is here." " 1 illy," said a mother to her daughter who > a-i seen but three summ'eis, '* what .should you do wir.iouo your mother?" "I hbouid put on, eve-y d->y, just such a dress as I wanted to," w«s the prompt rep y. "The funeral wa* elegant,'' wro:« the wait ng maid ofa lady *hos/ husband had just heen buried, to her sweetheart "I was d essed in black silk, the flowers were lovely, and mistress wept like a born angel." A h'dy asked a minister whether a person might not be fond of dress and ornament without being proud. "Madam," said th« minister, " when you see a fox's tail peyeping out of tbe hole, you may be sure the fox is within." ... ■ "Vegetable pills!" exclaimed an old lady ; " don't talk to tne off such stuff T:.e best vegetable pill ever made is apple dump ing ; for destroying a gnawing in the stomach there's nothing like it; it can always be. relied on." An asthmatic patient, rather deficient iv his spelling, wrote to his phrsican lately stating tbat his "coffin" had* returned, and desired to know what he should do ; to which the doctor replied : " By all meant send it back to the undertaker." A teacher in Greenock, during the bible lesson, when speaking about Cain and Abel, asked one of his scholars, " Where did Cain go after he killed Abel?" "He went to his bed, sir," was the reply. " Went to bed? Where do you get that information?" said the teacher. "ItVin the chapter, sir, that Cain, after he haul killed Abel, we_t lo the laud of Nod."