IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LXIV, Issue 117, 20 May 1933, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

STRENGTH FROM BEHIND. The successful business man had been asked to give a speech. He had been going strong for an hour now, and as yet showed 110 signs of stopping. "When I first entered business," he reiterated. "I took as my mott'o, 'Get thee behind mc, Satan I'" "Hear, hear!" came a voice from the back. "Nothing like having a good solid backing!" Tho Boss (who has just dropped in to watch the football match): So this is your uncle's funeral? OlTice Boy (with great presence of mind): Looks likfe it, sir—he's the referee. The bus was held up by the traffic, and the impatient passenger had to catch a train.* "Can't you go any faster than this?" he asked tho conductor at last. "Yes," said the conductor, "but I have to stay with the 'bus." A doctor was attending a dangerous ease where a Scottish butler was engaged. On calling in the forenoon he said to Donald: "I hope your master's temperaturo is much lower to-day than it was last night." "I'm no sae sure about that," replied the butler-, "for he dce'd this mornin'." The motorist went back and knocked on the cottage door. "I've just run over and killed one of your fowls," he told the owner. "Look here—will five bob pay for it?" "You'd better make it ten," was the reply. "You see, I have a rooster that thought a lot of that hen, and the shock may kill him too!" Two gossips were watching a neighbour entering her house after a shopping expedition. "Ah, one, "it's only swank that she's going about like that —with her arm in a sling and her eye bandaged up." "Swank J" queried the other. "Yes," was the emphatic pronouncement. "It's just to make people believe that her husband has come back again!"

The young doctor and a friend were sitting at the club window when a welldressed lady passed by. "There goes the only woman I ever loved," paid the doctor. "Indeed!" said the other. "Then why don't you marry her?" "Can't afford to," was tho reply. "She's my best patient," Every restaurant was crowded out after an international match.

A man who had been trying to secure the attention of a waitress for twenty minutes at last got up from his chair and, going to tlie desk, demanded to sec the manager.

"What for ?" asked the girl. "I've got a. complaint," he replied. "Complaint!" retorted the girl rather haughtily: "This is a cafe, not a nursing home."

A man contracted to do a job for a [Government Department. It was imdcrstood that he would be allowed to submit a bill showing "extra" expenses incurred. One item on the expense sheet was: "One porter, sixpence." The department objected to the item 011 the score that they could not be expected to pay for occasional drinks. Tho contractor replied that a porter had carried his bag, not he tho porter. The department, in allowing the charge, stated that, in order to avoid confusion, ho must describe such expenses under the heading of "Porterage." Later the contractor undertook another job for the department. In his expenses there occurred the item, j "To one cabbage 2/."

I Prize for Best Story | i F° r the best anecdote sent in each week 1 | a prize of Five Shillings ia awarded. 1 I The prize this week goes to Miss | I \\W Marie Best, 9, Hasbury Avenue, Mount 1 1 — "STRENGTH FROM BEHIND." | SfnniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiHiiiiiiiiHiiHiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiitfiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiininiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiii^mimunnwnmTTummnwu^

ROLLING THE OLD HOOP. i "Is old Angus a typical Scotsman?" i "Is he? He's saved all his toys f M s his second childhood." i , EMULATING A MASTER. 1 "You say your son plava the r>k„„ like Padereweki?" p no 3 "Yes. He uses both hands." 1 LIFE'S DARKEST MOMENT. "Pa, what's dignity?" i "Dignity, my eon, is what you thinlc s you possess until the boss says, 'What is the meaning of this?'" f s A STRANGE SOLUTION. "Mother," said Mick, "I can't get til* big flask of tea into my pocket." > Irish Mother: Then empty some of it J out, ye big fool. ONE-WAY ARGUMENT. Telephone Operator: It costs 75 cent* " to talk to Bloomfield. Caller: Can't you make a special rate for just listening? I want to call my 5 wife. > WHEN MADAMS COULD BE TRUSTED > Mistress (reading new maid's refer--1 ences): Six places in a year? Maid: Yes, ma'am. The days of the I good mistress are over. REASSURING. [ "Has anyone ever been lost her®?* asked the old lady anxiously, about to , undertake a rough crossing. "No, mum," the ferryman assured her, "We finds' all the bodies. 1 ' ' FRIGHTENED HIM ANYWAY. : Sportsman (having emptied both barrels at a rabbit): There, Jack, I'm surf I hit that one. Gillie: Well, 'o certainly did seem to - go faster after you shot at him, rur. UP WITH A BOUND. "I've got a new idea. Fortune in it." 1 "What now ?" "It's an alarm clock that emits the delicious odours of frying bacon and fragrant coffee." THOSE MOONLIGHT FLIGHTS. Hotel Manager (to new guest): I shall have to ask you to pay in advance. Your luggage is too—er—emotional. Guest: Emotional? "Yes—easily moved." AMONG HIS SOUVENIRS. Friend: You will soon forget her and be happy again. Jilted Suitor: Oh, no, I shan't, Yv& bought too much for her on the instalment system. SITTING AT BRIDGET'S FEET. "And you have had the same servant for two years?" "Yes," replied Mr. Crosslots. "She says she doesn't believe in changing after she has gone to the trouble of teaching a family her ways." CONTRACT CASUALTY. Two men wero getting ready for a dip in a swimming pool. "Your shins are iu pretty bad shape," remarked one. "Hockey player?" "Oh, no," was the reply. "I just led back my wife's weak suit." A BLAMELESS CHARACTER. "Do you listen in, .Mrs. Timms?" "No, ma'am, I should hope not. I've worked for lots of ladies in my time, and am proud to say none of 'em ever caught me with my ear at the keyhole." BALANCING HIS BUDGET. "No, your Honor," said the prisoner, "I was certainly not drunk, though I may have been intoxicated." "Well," said the magistrate, "I intended to fine you 20 shillings, but in view of your explanation I make it a pound." CUTTING IT SHORT. Sentry: Afraid I can't let you go by without tho password, sir. Officer: But, confound you, I tell you I've forgotten it. You know me well enough —I'm Major Jones Sentry: Can't help it, sir—must have the password. Voice from Tent: Oh, don't stand arguing all night, Bill. Shoot 'im. REALLY. Two pavement artists were arguing as to who could draw the better. Said No. 1: The other day I drew some wonderful coins. A man, who proved to be a Hebrew, fell on his knees and tried to pick them up! "Gosh!" said No. 2, "that's nothing. Yesterday I drew a plate with roast beef on it, and a dog stopped, sniffed at it; and started to lick it up!" NOTHING TO WEAR BUT FOOD. , A town guy said to a farmer: "Y° u ought to be getting along all right. x°' l have your own milk, butter, eggs, rocat and vegetables. You have enough to eat and a place to sleep. That's a lot in a depression like this." , "Uh, huh," assented the farmer. V™ you come around about eight-nine montn from now and you will see the fattes, Fleekest, nakedest fanner you e\e beheld."