"LAUGH WITH ME"

Auckland Star, Volume LVIII, Issue 89, 16 April 1927, Page 27

"LAUGH WITH ME"

HUMOROUS SELECTIONS. (By GEORGE MOZART, the Celebrated Comedian.) London bakers have been accused of extracting too much "dough" from the "kneady" housewives of the Metropolis. Naturally this has made them feel "crusty."' "Doctors have several crushing replies." says a writer, "to complaints that the'v charge too much. None could be more to the point than one I heard the other day." "Heavens!" said the patient, "I've had to sell my car to pay this bill, doctor." "Well," retorted the practitioner, "I've kept my promise to put you on your feet again, haven't IV Magistrate: There is a long list of convictions against you. Were you brought up in this town? Tramp: No, yer honor. It's about the * only town I ain't been brought up in! Pa (to little daughter): Do you know that nurse has brought you a little brother? Cissie: How nice! Let me run and tell mother. Rector: Why haven't I seen you at my evening lectures on Biblical Genealogy, Mrs. Jenkins? Mrs. Jenkins: Please, sir, my teeth are so bad that I can' 6 domesticate anviink. A professor says that women are growing so much alike that it is difficult to tell the difference between them. One gentleman tried to explain things that way to his wife the other evening when she caught him kissing a lady friend. He's been nursing a damaged eye ever since. Nervous Suitor (to father): Does your daughter sing? Father: Yes, but you should hear her sister Annie. No one can stay in the house when she begins. I'll just ask her to oblige. First "Tough": 'Earl you Mere in Boostem's stores when the lights fused the other night. Wot did yer pinch? Second "Tough": Nuffin'. When the lights went up I found myself in the mangle department. Farmer: Have you seen my bull by any chance? Old Lady: Mercy, no! Where is he? Farmer: He's got loose. Please keep on that red cloak, and if you should see him don't forget to run this way. He'll follow you all right. Candidate (at crowded meeting : Now, I hope you have gathered the sort of man I am? Voice: Yes, an absolute fool. Candidate: I can hear that you are not sober. Voice: Maybe; to-morrow I will be; but you'll still be a fool. Larry (to whose hand a crab has attached itself): Help! Help! Pat: Wait a bit; let me help ye hold the baste. Larry: Divil a bit; come an' help me to let go of him. ■j.-' Passenger: What time does^ine:-next train leave? Stationmaster: Six-fifteen, air. Passenger: Has it gone yet? (And some people wondei why railway officials get testy.) Lawyer (an ugly man who has been baiting a woman witness): I must admit that you are handsome. Witness: I would say the same thing about you, only, you know, I am on mv oath! "Why on earth have you been so long bringing this message?" asked the guest of the hotel boy. "L didn't know you, sir," .answered the lad. "But surely the reception clerk described me to you?" "Yes, sir; but look how many people there are here with blotchy noses and bald heads!" The lodger asked for a light breakfast only. The first morning he had a thin sandwich. "Was your breakfast all right?" asked the landlady. "Very nice," said the lodger, "but not much of it." The next morning he was served with two sandwiches, and the third with three sandwiches. Each morning his comment was the same: "Very nice, but not much of it." On the fourth morning, the landlady cut a loaf in halves, and put a pound of butter between them. "And how was the breakfast this morning?" she asked later. "All right, thank you," he answered, "but I notice that you've got back to one sandwich again." Actor (to wigmaker): Well, how did the play go on the first night? Wigmaker: Splendid! You couldn't see a single join.