MERRIER MOMENTS?

Auckland Star, Volume LIV, Issue 213, 8 September 1923, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS?

Question at Police Courtj Whe I are you? Answer: An inspector of pufc. lie houses. Chairman of the Gas Company: "If j I may use a pun, gentlemen, I wooU bid you honour the Light Brigade." "Oh what a charge they made!" sighed someone quietly. A motor car jumped a hedge the other day. It ia believed to have been pursuing a squirrel which decamped witk one of its nuts. A man comjolained to the police: First, he broke the peace, then the window, then he threatened to break my neck. Can you make him break tleee i habits. I At the age of twenty a man feels that he was meant to save the world. At thirty, he wonders why he cant ev«i save part of his salary. Curate: You exchange goods in th§ way of barter sometimes, I suppose?" I Merchant: Oh, yes. sometimes. I Curate: Well. I should like a I»°ni and some potatoes and flour. Merchant: All right, sir. What do you want to exchange for them? Curate: Ninety-five pairs of slippers." It was a "general knowledge" lesson, and the teacher asked the question:— "What is the feminine of friar?" First Boy: "Hasn't any, sir." Teacher: "Next 1" Second Boy: "Nun." Teacher: "RieTit." First Boy: "Why, that's what I said! . Boatswain (to newly-joined cadet): Did your mother cry when you left? Come", my little man, you mustn't cry on board of His Majesty's ships of war. 'Did your mother cry when yon left? Cadet: Yes, sir. Boatswain: Silly old woman 1 And did your sister cry? Cadet: Yes, sir. Boatswain: Stupid little thing! And did your father cry? Cadet: No, sir. Boatswain: 'Ard-earted old beggar. The mother catechised her young soa ju3t 'before the arrival of the mueto teacher. "Have you washed your hands carefully?" i "Yea, mother." j "And have you wasted your face , thoroughly?"' "Yes, mother." "And were you particular to wash behind your ears?" "On her side I did, mother." WHAT ARE NEEDLES FOR? "I don't believe the young girl of tftday knows what needles are for," said Granny, looking severely at the hole in Dorothy's stocking. "Of course I know ■what they're for," said Dorothy indignantly. 'They're to m&ke the gramophone play!" TIT FOR TAT! The woman was rather condescending. "My husband is very jealous." she remarked to her partner on the dance floor, "so I only dance with exceedingl> plain people." I "It's a good system," said he. . "I follow it." WHY PROTEST? During an epidemic of cholera on ' board a British warship, so many men ■ died that the doctor just made a chalk ! mark on the bunks where the occupant was to be buried. One supposed corpse protested loudly when he discovered that he was about to be buried at sea. I "But I'm not dead," he insisted. "Oh," was the reply, "shut up! Do you suppose that you know better than the doctor?" RATHER MIXED. A certain man. speaking of Dickene and Thackeray, said— " It's in his wonderful insight into human nature that Dickens gets the better of Thackeray, but on the other hand, it's the brilliant shafts of satire, together with a keen sense of humour, that Diekery gets the pull over Thackens. It's just this—Thickery is m liumorist and Dackens is a satirist. But, after all, it's absurd to compare Dackerj; and Thickens." - "" SAFETY FIRST. An old lady entered a chemist's shop and looked doubtfully at the youthful assistant behind the counter. 'I suppose," she said, "you are • properly qualified chemist?"—'TTes, madam." "You have passed all your examiniv tions?"'— "Certainly." ' « "You never poisoned anyone toy mis' take?"—" Not to my knowledge." ■She gave a sigh of relief. "Very well, then, you can give mc a Denny* worth of cough drops." HOW IT IS DONE. The man who had forgotten tobringany literature on his three hours' railway journey contemplated the short-sighted man who was reading a newspaper. "Would you mind lending mc your spectacles?" he asked politely. The short-sighted man nodded affably. "Certainly, certainly," he assented, handing over his glasses. "And now, sir." said the traveller, pocketing them, "since you can no longer see to read, would you mind lending mc your paper?" SOMETHING NEW. An elderly lady was Wine a present tor her married daughter. She asked to be shown some tablecloths. Tho salesman brought a pile, but ehe said she had seen these elsewhere Nothing suited her. "Haven't you Eomethino- new?" sle asked. ° The shopman .brought another ?ilo and showed them to her. "These are the newest patterns, , ' he said. "You will notice that the centre is exactly in the middle, and the berder runa the edge." "TMi lsn 't that l0V(, ly!" said the lady. 111 take half a dozen." WHY THEY LOOICED BLT_ta They were travelling from Chicago to New York. It was a sweltering hot nio-nt, and three of the passengers determined to pass the night in the smoker" playing cards, -uch soft drinks as they could obtain were tep.d. There was no ice. tot at fl \°J Was found wh ° volunteered from* X°f 5 ° CentS t0 P" Cure some from another oar. His services wer» ToU Se wP « e '*' gem - m '"' T Can ' t do "> not H eay«Tf fh °. gITO mc a dollar " Dad tak4 nff' Cn Vl ? SiDgle bifc more i(e