MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LI, Issue 104, 1 May 1920, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Minister: But, Hooligan, can't you live with your wife without fighting? Hooligan: Mo, sir, Lcan't. Leastwise, not 'appily. "Last evening, sir, I distinctly saw my daughter fitting in your lap" What explanation has c you to make?" "I got here early, sir—before the others." "Doesn't it give you a kind of humble feeling to meet a girl you used to be engaged to long ago,?" '"Yep. Always makes mc wonder whether her taste used to be as bad as mine was." ""What do you understand by suffering for righteousness' sake?" asked the Sunday school teacher of little Marie, "i'lcase, miss," was the reply, "it means having to como to .Sunday school.' , A henpecked little man wag about to take on examination for life insurance. "You don't dissipate, do you?" asked the physician. "Not a fast liver, are you?" The man hesitated a moment, looked a bit frightened, then replied in a small, piping voice: "I sometimes chew a little gum." "Is your wife one of those women who look at their husbands and say, 'I made a man of him?'" asked the impertinent frfcnd. "No," answered Mr. Meekton. "My Henrietta is very unassuming. She merely says she has done her best." THE KIDDIES COMPLAINT. The small boy had climbed on to the table and his father told him to get down, as. lie was B ure he would fall. The boy took no notice, and shortly afterwards fell down. As he was crying he said between his sobs, "Daddy, why didn't you catch mc; you knew I was going to fall; you said so." EVERYTHING GONE UP. First Sailor: On my last voyage I saw waves one hiJdred feet high. Second Sailor: I've been a sail or 40 years, and never seen 'em over forty. First Sailor: P'raps noti but everything is higher now than it used to be, mate! NOT THE REAL STUFF. Editor: Why don't you make your story true to life? Oontrib.: What's the matter Tvith it? Ed.: What's the mutter with it? Why, here you say that "There was tho eound- of a ehot, and immediately the street Bwaj-med with policemen." VANQUISHED. "Bobbie!" said the village curate in a severe tone of voice. "I am particularly sorry, Bobbie, to eec you have a ■black eye. I must read you a lesson." "You'd better go 'ome yerself," retorted the urchin cheekily, "and read your Willie one, then. He's got two!" COME TO THE POINT. "I ccc," he card, "that cosl has gone up again." "■Has it?" ehe replied casually. "And they're raising house-rents,' , he continued. "Well," she exclaimed, flaring , up, "if you wish to break off our engagement, say so. I ahvaye hate people to beat a'boufc the liueh in a case of this kind." BUT SHE HADNT. Mrs. Jones thought she'd try the j effect of a lrbfrle praiee on her new maid. I "How nicely yon have ironed fcheee things, Jane?" eher eaid admiringly, an eho inspected the garments i h&ngnig •before the fire to air. Then glancing at the glossy linen, ehe continued, in a tone of surprise:-— "Oh, I see, they eje all your own I" "Yes," replied .Tin«, "and I'd 4° yours j.uet like that if I had time, ma'am." REGARDLESS OP COST. The assistants at a large linen draper's shop werc'preparing for the spring sale. "What shall I mark that lot of black silk?" asked an assistant of his employer. "Mark the selling price 15/ a yard," was the answer. '"■But it only cost 10/ a yard," said the astonished employee. "I don't care what it cost, I am selling off regardless of cost!" retorted the ahop-owner. ONE FOR- PAT. A Scotsman and an iTiafanan settled in America, and met again after many years. The Scotsman ihad married an American woman -with money, and had made money., The Irishman h-ad not. Said the •Scofam'an to the Irishman: "I suppose you ihave the lustral Irish family—ten children arid flve pigs?" Replied tho Irishman: "And I suppose you hare the usual American family—a poodle and a pack of patrence cards." - EO'UND WANTING. ■Sister's new 'beau had hardly got seated on the parlour eofa when little 'brother 'brought him a i?la?.s* of water tin<3 tendered ft to him very politely. . The young man drank it and returned the frlasa to the small boy, Who looked disgusted. 'Ht don't, eittar." he said to hie sister. "Don't what, dear?" ' I W.hy, he don't drink any different froih anyone else, and pop -said he drank like a fish." THE RUILTNG PASSION. A lunatic asylum Ikeeper in a large town was showing an inquisitive visitor aboiit the building. A large room with twenty cofc s was reached, but the place seemed empty. "This is where the mad chauffeurs are kept," said tlje ikeeper. "Oh, is it," asked - -the visitor. "But whore are they?" "Well, yon can't see them," the guide replied, "they're all under the beds examining the springs." EASILY FOUND.. It is often said that a Yorkshireman ■is 6o keen -after money that he wjll grab at it, dead or alive. A certain native! worked at a- sawmill, and oris day he\ met with an accident, two of his lingers heing cut off, and dropping in the sawdust. Of course, the man was hurried up to the infirmary, and after he was gone his mates began to look for his fingers in the sawdust, whe-n in walked the foreman, Who said: "I say, what/ are you wasting your time there for? Why <lon't you get on with your work?" One of the men replied: 'That Yorkshire chap has had two iingers cut off and we're .looking for them." "What a waste of time," cried the foreman. "iWe'll soon Snd them." And he threw .haJf-tt-ero<ivn on the floor, when, up came the two finders, wriggling out of the sawdust to get at i the money.