Merrier Moments.

Auckland Star, Volume XLIV, Issue 225, 20 September 1913, Page 15

Merrier Moments.

'YOU WERE RIGHT, GEORGE) THERE IS NO ONE IN!* "

■Prospective Employer: "Not afraid of early hours, I suppose?" Employee: "You can't close too early for mc, mister." Lady (to Irish gardener, who "obliges" by the day): "Well. Dan, and what, do I owe you for to-day?" Dan: "Sure, ma'am, I'd sooner be taking the halfcrown you'd be offering mc than the two shillings I'd be asking of yonl" Stranger: "Call your paper a great advertising medium, do you? It isn't worth anything. I put in an advertisement last week and didn't get an answer, not one." Editor: "What's that? How was your advertisement worded?" Stranger: "'A poor young man wants a pretty wife who can do her own housework.' "

"SAY, BROTHER, I'M AFRAID GRUB IS GOING UP!" A DARK THROW. A judge once told, ah incident to show that there is some humour connected even with so serious a thing as the law. In Dawson City a coloured man named Sam Jones was on trial for felony. The judge asked Sam if he desired the appointment of a lawyer to defend him. "No, sab," said Sam. "I's gwine to throw myself on the ignorance of the cot." She was hurriedly adjusting her veil, and had but a few moments in which to catch her car. "Oh, dear," she murmured, "I can't find a pin anywhere. I wonder where all the pins go to, anyway?" "That' 3 a difficult question to answer," replied her practical husband, who was standing by, "because they are always pointed in one direction and headed in another." A political orator in a small town was abusing bitterly trusts and monopolies, on the ground that all of them robbed the public. "Are we to take this lying down?" he shouted, excitedly, at the end of his hottest sentence. Whereupon a little 'xrlan rose, up at the back of the hall and remarked, in tones of- conviction: — - "It's unnecessary; the reporters will do that part of it." The Irishman had had a serious accident, and had been hustled off to the hospital to be operated upon. As he lay on the bed he beckoned to the nurse and said, weakly:— "I'll not be operated upon by that docthor. Ye must find another one." "Why?" remonstrated the nurse. "He's one of the cleverest surgeons living." "Maybe," was the reply; "but he has an unlucky name. I heard them say his name was Docthor. KHpatrick, and, ye see, mc name is Patrick?" The little agricultural village had been billed with "Lecture on Keats" for over a fortnight. The evening arrived at length, bringing the lecturer ready to discourse on the poet. The advertised chairman, taken ill at the last moment, was replaced by a local farmer. This worthy introduced the lecturer, and terminated his remarks by saying:— "And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I personally have often wondered—what are Keats?" HARD OF HEARING. Briggs is very hard of shearing. One evening, while dining with friends, his host, at the beginning of the meal, slightly inclined his head and began speaking in a low tone? "I don't hear you," said Briggs. "Speak louder!" \ A titter ran round the table, and the host, smiling, began again in a slightly louder tone. Briggs shook his head. "You'll have j to say it again," he remonstrated. | "When you talk down into your collar that way I can't hear you." The round-table titter became a laugh, and the host, red-faced with embarrassment, began again, speaking very distinctly. "I hear you now." 1 said Biggs, "but I can't make out the words you are saying. I think you'll have to" give it up." "Hang it all!" the host shouted angrily, 'Tin trying to say grace!"

A couple of neighbours were leaning over the back fence, exchanging gossip, as ladies will. "My husband," remarked one, "says he. always does better 'work when he, is thinking of mc." "I notice," responded the other, "that he made a I very -good job of beating the carpets." AN ARROW SQUEAK. "Can I have my arrow, please? -It 'has gone over into your garden." "Certainly, my little man. Do you | know where it is?" "Well, I—l think it's -ticking iv your cat." -.... Tlie vicar was just about to give out the banns of a marriage the other Sunday when he discovered that he could not find the book. However, he begatt groping meanwhile for tho lost, volume. "I publiish the banns of marriage between—between " "Between the cushion and the seat, sir," whispered the verger, hoarsely, suddenly realising what the vicar wai looking for. Farmer Way-back- (starting home from the station): "Please, ma'am, do you wear false teeth ?" Fair Boarder (for the summer): "Sir!" Farmer Wayback: "Oh, 1 don't mean to be curious. Only this; road is a leetle rough, and'ef your teeth ain't good and •fast you'd better put 'em in your pocket." •The sweet young tiling was being shown through the locomotive works.'HVhat is that thing?" she asked, pointing with her dainty parasol. "That," answered the guide, "is an engine boiler." She was an up-to-date young lady, and at once became interested. "And .why do they boil engines?" she inquired again. "To make the engine tender," politely replied the resourceful guide. "I have," said Mrs. Malaprop, "a beautiful car,, with a cymbeline body, dispatchible and denounceable rims, epileptic springs, eclectic starter, infernal expending brakes, autocratic wind-shield, black-untrammeled headlights, interval power plant, flash jubilation, three-point indention, three speeds horrid and bna perverse, amateur on the dashboard, aggravated ebony rim on the steeringwheel, copellerator, throttle peddler, sanitary transition, jump-spark intuition, jimpson bearings, a set of lean gasprimers aiid all other excessories." AN UP-TO-DATE GIRL. .. f It was after her birthday, and the little maid of eight was sitting disconsolately by the nursery window. "Aren't you going' to play with your new doll?" asked her mother, .with a side glance, at the discarded, present.-----"No," said the.-little.girl. "» thought' you liked her so. Don't you?" "No." "Oh, but you wanted a nice dolly. On* that talked, didn't yon?" No response. ?_-■ "And this one says; 'Ma-ma!' 'Pa-pa!'** The little maid's eyes flashed and sparkled as she replied:—. •' ....',, "I want a doll that says 'Votes ■ for* ; women.'"

HIS LONELY HONEYMOON. The other day (a clergyman relates)", as I was walking along (he Strand, I almost ran into the arms of one of my old parishioners from a parish in the North of Yorkshire. He was in gala dress, and looked very well pleased with himself. "Hallo, Mr B——" greeted my friend; And what are you doing in town?" 1 "Oh," he said, a bit bashfully, "I'm on mc honeymoon!" mc! That's interesting news," I said; "and I am sure I congratulate you heartily. But where is the bride?" "T' missus?" said he. "Oh, she couldn't come. 'Er mother was taken bad on t* wedding-day, and she had to go and nursa her; so I thowt I'd come honeymooning by mysel'. Le see, sir, it was V clianca of a lifetime, and I warn't going to mis. it!"

Mr Pom pas (after a lucky recovery over hedsel •«T „,. „,,- ■«•«'.,- ---done that there would have 7*en a _Sl of Isra ' <l ** Caddie: So there wiU now, sir. It's 'it the sekertary on the 'cad.'» - "'--