NEW IDEAS ABOUT GREAT MEN.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXIX, Issue 283, 26 November 1908, Page 6

NEW IDEAS ABOUT GREAT MEN.

AMUSING ANSWERS Br SMALT, BOYS.

I was this moment ronsed from a postprandial dream by the fall of a volume from a hanging bookcase.

It was a school edition of the Manrnau and, looking at the battered old relic. I smile and then laugh outright, for, as' it it were yesterday, I see myself standlnc pedagogue-wise ju a class-room whose benches are dense with diminutive men The name of Virgil had cropped uplu ! the reading lesson, and Jt came Jnto mr mind to ask the class somewhat concerning him. "Would to heaven l had held my [peace! Looking up from the book with the malignant benevolence proper to the dominie, I said; "Now, boys, who was Virgil? -, There was a great hush, and every eyi became hard and stony. Was It possible that no one knew? "Come, come, boys," I went on. "Tni» is simply preposterous. Have you got the assurance to sit there aud not know who Virgil was? Now, then, come alone somebody—Who was Virgil?" The silence was pierced by a clear and bell-like voice. Loud and distinct it rane through the room: •Please, sir." it said, "please, elr, the mfther of Jesusf' The train of throught thus started take* mc back to one dreadful night when it wa» my duty to correct a number of papers. The questions dealt chiefly with the live* of famous men, and, to tell the truth, the majority of papers were as respectable as such things usually are. At the tall end, however, came the funereal company of duffers, a grisly hand, whose ideas were surely more than normally nebulous. I have the damning documents before mc. BABY WINS A BATTLE.. "Cromwell's Fortunate Day," says our . first genius, "is the 3d eeptemher beckase was born on third, and soon after he iron a great battle." The Protector was a precocious child! Number two has a fine jerklness, and does not hesitate to grapple with the older uigtorlans ou matters of fact. "Cromwell'M Lucy Day was on the 3d Sept. Cromwell's death was on the 3d Sept. on a cold frosty morning. The Earl of Dunbai defeated the English at Dnnbar, and gave them a bad thrashing and it was called D.D." "A cold frosty morning" is delightful, and to the patriotic Scot it comes as a glad surprise to learn that it was the English who were defeated at D.D.! To continue: "Cromwell's lucky day wan 3d eep. On that day he won the battle of Dunbar and the battle of Worchcster. But it was a good day when he died (3d Sept) because that day and night there wa» a. terrible storm and the house shook." For inconsequence sheer and mere the last sentence would be hard to beat. '•Cromwell's Sectary," according to the bottom hoy. "was General Monk." But no, the real bottom boy was surely the wretch, who wrote: "Cromwell's Secettey was Geofries!" To pass over trifling matters of spelling, who can tell by what tortuous process the Lord Protector got mixed up with tht Bloody Assizes? The unhappy Oliver gets less than justice, but the great Florentine gets BtU shorter shrift. "Dante vue a fine writer, one of hxi famous boots being THE IXFEBXAL." The capitals are the boy's. Cromwell has at least the decency to remain true tot he land of his birth, bat "Dante was a great German poet. His statue is in Berlin." Again "Dante was a playwriter. Kame from Cidly." At this rate his birthplace will coon be as doubtful as Homer's own. There is one thing, however, to be said for my dnffers— they deal blows all round with absolute impartiality. Even so amiable an ancient as Archimedes may not escape. ARCHIMEDES INVENTS "EURICA." "Archimedes lived in Naples. He Invented Eurica." Is it a tooth pi «c, on* wonders, or a soothing syrup? "Archimedes lived In the town of Archimedes. Was a great man at mathematics." "Archimedes was the man when Bitting a bath suddenly shouted iiureek." Nor does the Tuscan artist emerge scathless. His optic glass waxes dim, indeed, and his E pur ci Muove becomes the babble of senile decay. The true duffer Is my, witness. "Galileo," he saye, "was the man whe discovered that the sun went round the world." But this pales in the light of tie glorious fact that "Galileo wrote the opera called Fast." What think ye of that, my masters? It is very dreadful, no doubt, this wantoning with, the memory of the mighty dead, but on the other hand, we learn the value of the philosophic calm, and unamazed can read that "Columbus came over to lona where he preched. Columbue was. a missionary." That, after all, is a pardonable confusion, but when a boy writes: "The Pilgrim Fathers sent away from England divorced America," he !• gnilty of publishing a pestilent slander, and becomes liable to an action for such. "There were a great many people migrated to America and it is now known as the Pilgrim's Fathers," breathes a finished obscurity whose secret is unrevealed save to tender youth. One more instance and the sorry task Is done:— "The Pilgrims Father were a body of strong Belelvers who were persequted because so by James I. of Englaud. They, went to Holland but lived in America." Duffers mine, you were a heavy handful! You wrung from mc many a bull-like bellow, many a groaning that might not be uttered. But you gave mc also moments of mirth, and for these I am grateful; the others are for S ot.-"M.L.'" in the "Scottman;" _______ —^——