WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXIX, Issue 79, 1 April 1908, Page 6

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

j ' (By OLD .SALT). There certainly seems to be _ godd deal to be said in favour of the establishment of vegetable gardens as adjuncts to our gaols. Reformatory rather than punitory ishould be the object sought when incarj cerating our wrongdoers, and the instilling - of should greatly help, towards. that end.-, \i a maj not'■' I have a " stake " in the country, he might 'at least be permitted to produce the I onions, while salad, as a pleasant and 1 healthful dietetic .change is as old as Nebuchadnezzar. The gradual processes jof nature, too, should afford a most instructive object lesson to a man who has experienced how very sudden is the har- j vest and variegated the crops that folI lo,w the sowing of wild oats.

"To what base uses have we come," old horse! At a suburban council meeting it was seriI ously stated, the other evening, that horstes were trained to open gates, to obtain access to private property, and from I such vantage ground to laugh (a "horse laugh " is proverbial! at the pursuing ranger. No wonder horses " kick" when man's inhumanity seeks~to corrupt their morals to such an' extent as this, and yet there may he a less base motive. We have all heard. "The Arab's Farewell," etc. —the title is nearly as long as the song, oi which I must admit I have never heard the last verse; but earnestly hope I _aye heard the end —and admired the noble owners scorn for the proffered gold. Possibly Devonport owners have the same contempt for the Borough " Pound"!.

! Pleasing, indeed, is it to turn from the contemplation inhumanity to its antithesis; more pleasing, that the opportunity occurs in the same .small community. Prior to the opening of the new post office at Devonport, a member of the Borough Council suggested that "out of consideration for Sjr Joseph Ward they might dispense with the inevitable banquet." To " dispense " with the " inevitable " might prove somewhat difficult of a'ecomplishment; but one cannot fail to appreciate the kindly spirit which prompted the suggestion to consider the digestion. Whilst so many people are intent upon feasting the Premier, it seems rather unnecessary to put words into his mouth, yet I have ventured to do so.

"The spirit's very willing. The flesh is somewhat weak; If you persist in filling, How is a man tp speak? I've tried to double-bank it. Sit twice to breakfast, tea. To luncheon, dinner, banquet; But it's too much for mc.

My country and my people, Who've watched my long career. Know, lofty as the steeple, And straight as any spear, Has been the course I've followed. 'Tis hard now to resist; But how can food be swallowed, By one who has no 'twist'?

*Tis said that with the eating. Comes recreant appetite. To mc. it means a beating; Before I start to fi.ht. So, as without the reading, A bill i B sometimes let To pass; let's pass tins feeding Accept the feast as ate!"

Egg-laying contests appear to be in great favour now, and although the results are prominently advertised, no one has yet come forward to say a word on behalf of the embryo mothers, or to protect the downtrodden females by brin<nnc their occupation under any Sweated industries Act. Man. brutal man, merely looks on and lays the odds while the hens lay the much more merchantable commodity. Has the question, I wonder, ever yet been settled as to whether one should speak of a hen as " sitting" or " setting " ? Another question that can only be solved by inspection is this:— When a hen cackles, is she " laying " or "lying"? Until such weighty matters are set at rest, let us demand fair play for our " fowls." By the way, I neglected, last week, to give the solution of a problem propounded in my column of the week before. it was, to find five odd numerals, the sum of which will amount to fourteen—a feat which many readers have declared to be impossible. If tiiese sceptical folks will experiment with the figures eleven and three separate units, I think they wUI be convinced that it is practicable. It would be interesting to know what was in the mind of the Nativ* Minister when discussing matters with the Urewera natives. Did he murmur, sotto voce: " from the sublime to the ridiculous "? or was it an extract from his namesake, " Lewis," of the "• Carroll" clan? 'The time has cpme, the Walrus 6ald, 'To talk of other things!' " After an impassioned speech in which was claimed for the prophet Rua a, divine origin and a blasphemous relationship, Mr. Carroll again addressed the gathering. He referred to the establishment of a cheese factory at Ruatoki Ivainga. "No one who knows the suave and courteous manner of the Minister can doubt that this was a polite intimation to " Cheese it!"

Thus strong men forge their neighbours' fateFor milk of human kindness. When curdled in the fierce debate. Or soured in passion's blindness, Still leaves a chance, there is no doubt, If one have tact to, seize it. Then promptly point a clear 'whey' out, And tell the folks to 'cheese it!'

One might safely* venture upon the prediction that coincident with the introduction by retailers of the cash or coupon system, there will be a great increase in the number of fasting cure advocates. The butchers' bills in Invercargill are something stupendous—thirtythree thousand pounds sterling, if reports may be believed, and no doubt the housewives will follow the example of the Oxford undergraduate towards his creditors, and each refer to her butcher as the "ornithoryncus"—that is, a beast with a bill. In this connection, and in proof of the old adage that birds of a feather flock together, it is curious to read that: "An albatross, measuring 12ft from wing to wing, was picked up in a Featherston butcher's yard the other day." The measurement of the "bill" is not given, doubtless from motives of delicacy; but it was probably in proportion. In those excellent maxims which 'Kipling niodestly affected to have translated from the Persian, there is much good advice to young men, an extract from which ruus, as far as my memory serves : "If she have written a letter. Haste, Oh! Thou fool, and burn It; Tear it ?n pieces; the wind Unto it 6 mates shall return it!" A sensible if summary way of dealing "with-love letters; but a doubtful course to pursue with a prohibition order. The excitable lady who resented the restriction ©f.liberigr in & .ires-bout American «» ' 4

citizen, and .scattered, her copy of a,n order upon the Police Court floor, should! reflect-:-"what is one among so .many?" and renieinber that' to destroy all the copies issued would require the services .of ,a destructor more vigorous even than an angry woman. It is this sort of illogical persons who think to discharge their debts by putting the bills behind the fire.

. -The relief afforded to the historical old i lady by the blessed word Mesopotamia, moets something of .3 parallel in the , Auckland tvamwav. service, .__& \t b.aa been seriously discussed whether .or not its manager should not exchange one Biblical name for another, and let "Paul" be read "Ishmael"—whose band was against everybody, and everybody's hand against him. Certainly delays are not only dangerous, but ex-asperating, and it is unfortunate that "tram" should furnish such an apt rhyme for a common expletive. As a sufferer it the other day—"the public damn the trams, and the trains dam the traffic!"