RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXI, Issue 292, 8 December 1900, Page 4 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

. " "BY,, zambedT

Some write, a neighbour's name to lash*, Some write—vain thought—for needful cash. Some write to please the country clash, And raise a din. For me, an aim I never fash— I write lor fun. The "Minister of Public Works has g*one away with a fairly good idea of Auckland's needs in the way of railways, roads and bridges, and we will watch and pray for the small mercies which he may vouchsafe us. He has bumped about on the rough up-coun-try roads, been stuck in creek-cross-ings, and pitched out of traps, and has formed an intimate acquaintance with the geological formation of the land on the rival routes. I am told it was an exciting* sight to see Mr-Hall-Jones and Mr. Napier chasing each other in involuntary somersaults down the bank on the Taumarunui ."Road. The former almost disappeared from view under the seat of the buggy, which was also pitched out, and his legs sticking out, were the only indication that a Minister of the Crown was under the seat. .Mr. Na-: pier's case was worse, and he had the ' dubious pleasure of bleeding for his | country, at which, however, as a cap- \ tain of volunteers, he should not, grumble. The Minister's first ex-; clamation on getting up out of the Avet fern was, "Well, these roads will have to be mended at once." So out of misfortune good sometimes comes. If the Minister of Public Works, or even a member of Parliament, were capsized out of their traps a, little j oftener on their country travels there wouldn't be so many neglected roads. _? *-fc M-tt .J. *_. •_. ._* "-C* .fr "_-* Some of the country dwellers have "tumbled" to this, and have been acting on the principle that a Minister must learn by practical experience the needs of bucolic regions. Mr. HallJones tells the following yarn himself. He was up in a certain country district on his previous visit to the North, and after being duly deputationised on the subjects of bad roads near the township, Government votes, etc., was taken out for a drive to "see the country," as the guileless farmers put, it. The driver evidently had his instructions, for he carefully picked out the very worst bits of the roads and the biggest boulders, and drove the trap over them. There was no chance about it; he deliberately went for the bogs and the rocks, and the Minister was in the air half the time, bumped up out of his seat and holding on to his hat with one hand and his eve-glasses with the other. Every noWahd again, after the vehicle had jolted over an extra big boulder into a deep rut, the wily Jehu would squint round slyly at bis passenger to see how he was taking it, Ey-and-bye, when the excursion was over, the driver asked in a casual way, "Well, sir, what do you think of our roads'. The Minister saw through the deeplaid scheme for a Government grant-in-aid, and said with extreme cordiality: "Splendid, splendid, old man; never had such a beautiful drive before; it.was a positive pleasure to drive over those fine roads of yours! The driver collapsed; he gave public works up; and the deputation were informed that the Minister was extremely pleased with the local roads, aud considered a Government grant 'was quite unnecessary. All the same Mr Hall-Joi.es doesn't want that drive, '.villi that driver, any more. _%_>_•_<_"-<-"Jet A novei proposal, so says rumour, is on the boards in connection with the "waipiro" question in the King Country. There is talk of making the local policemen—at Te Kuiti, Otorohanga and Poro-o-Tarao—the Government liquor-sellers, when Mr, Seddon brings in his Gothenburg system. When the State pubs, are established in the Pdhepotae the policemen, report says, will take charge, and dis. pense ' liquid refreshment to the thirsty traveller when they are not enoWed in making out summonses or hunting for sly-grog in Maori whares. There are some Very funny possibilities in this idea of bobby-conducted bars. •It will be interesting to see how it works out for a start, I suppose the police will have to judge how many nips of whisky or brandy or glasses of beer are good for his customers: and must be able to tell to half-a-glass when a man must be "chucked out" into the outer mud and darkness. The constable at Poro-o-Tarao has multifarious occupations at present. He arrests wrong-doers, keeps 500 navvies in order, sets broken limbs, dispenses drugs and prescribes for cases of indigestion and whoopingcough, and performs other varied duties. But to pile the occupations of a Bonifice on to him in addition is too much. It will come to this notice being posted on the local police-whare:. "No drinks served except between 9 a.m. and 10 a.m. and 7 p.m. and 8 p.m." Then what a rush there will be! -I- -_"_"_"_'-. •_"_•*_:•-. This is the season of the bazaar and Kale of work, and they have never before been so numerous. These functions have frequently proved the subject of a good deal of good-natured chaff, and some trenchant criticism with respect to the introduction of the element of gambling, and I am pleased to say that our bazaars are how very largely purged of this objectionable feature. The sums of money raised by these bazaars are truly wonderful, and' it is reported that they have been the means in some cases of lifting churches entirely out of debt, an achievement very much to be commended. It is rather a. novelty for a church to be free of debt, and the fact was in one instance deemed of so much importance ' that ~a' discussion took place at a meeting of managers as to the best means of commemorating the grand event: Various proposals were made hud rejected, until one canny individual suggested that they should put up in the church a brass tablet inscribed "Keep, out of debt," and also bearing a record of the fact that in the year, 1900 the church actually discharged ol). its financial obligations.

The idea was not adopted, and I have not heard -of anything* better being- hit upon, so there the matter rests. It is a pity we cannot all take as our motto "Keep out of debt"; it is a healthy and profitable experience to the individual as well as to the church, or any other section of the community. _?_.■_._?_?_. _.•_**-.•■* I *.yish some one could instil a little more business ability into our excellent Presbyterian friends, who mania ge the affairs of the Church in solj emu conclave at the Presbytery. The (worthy ministers appear to take a ' singularly complacent view of the { flight of time. They assemble at seven o'clock in the evening, and settle themselves down to make a night of it, no matter how unimportant the business. The appointment of a minister to a new charg-e, althoug-h all are | agreed as to the suitability of the man selected, takes three-quarters of an ■ hour to settle. A minister sends in his resignation, and for twenty minutes or so the Presbytery, so to speak, pat him on the back, A member rises to a point of order during a discussion, and the worthy chairman, instead of giving his ruling oki ' the point raised, allows the whole* Presbytery to discuss it—and so on throughout the business. The consequence is that an order paper which might be dealt with effectively in sixty minutes, occupies just about three hours. Of course, it is their own affair; they may take as long as they like. The unfortunate reporters are the only ones who suffer —aud ,possibly the caretaker. _ _"_>_**_"_"_"_"_*'_* This reminds me of a good stor}' that Frank Lincoln, the well-known 'entertainer, used to tell against hjm--1 self. He was appearing one night at ; a small provincial town in' England. :The audience was not very large, and it was anything but appreciative. His | best jokes were received in solemn silence; his pet stories failed to raise a laugh. Every now and then two or three of the audience would "silently steal away," like Longfellow's Arabs. Eventually the audience dwindled down to one man, who sat at the back jof the hall. Glad to think that at least one individual appreciated his efforts, Frank went through his programme to the bitter end. Then he addressed his audience, and said', "1 am glad to find at least one man who can appreciate my modest entertainment," or words to that effect. To which the man replied, "Have you . finished? Then I'll turn the lights lout, I'm the caretaker!"