RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXII, Issue 139, 13 June 1891, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

Some write, a neighbour s name to lash, Some write—vain thought! for needful cash, Some write to please the country clash, And raise a div. Forme, an aim I never ftish — I write for fun.

I have read wibh interest the cabled accounts of the slander case in London, in Trhich tho chief figures in the notorious baccarat scandal are washing their dirty linen. England should be proud of her gambling aristocrats, and especially ofhhre r future sovereign. Albert Edward, much to his disgusb no doubt, has been hauled into Courb to give evidence, aod bhen hauled over the coals by a plucky lawyer who fears nob God nor honours bhe King, and altogether his name has been brought forward in a rather unenviable light. One wonders whab Hor Mosb Gracious Majesty must think of it all ! The "firsb gentleman in England" evidently sets the fashions in more than dress. To my mind ib ia about bime the Prince of Wales mended his ways, considering ho is now a healthy youth of close on fifty, and in any case, should fate call him to the English throne suddenly, there would have to be a lightning reformation before the moral British public would be satisfied with their sovereign. Tho reputation of the Heir Apparent is quite shaky enough from divers reasons without this latest incident. By the way, I noticed according to the cable mossages in the dailies the other day thab the merry negroes down New Orleans way, being in a virtuous mood, have lynched one or two card-cheaters. It is rather to be regretted that they are nob able to exercise this style of summary punishment on some good old English genblemen of bo-day. Ib would be an effective remedy.

At various times I have drawn abtention to the want of honesty among business men where contracts wibh Governmenb or public bodio3 were concerned, or where there was a chance bo appropriabo public money. Another instance of a nature somewhat similar to those I have previously given has como under my notice. A contract was let some eighteen months or two years ago for a wharf, I will nob say in what district. The contract wa3_taken at a pretty low figure. Of course it was necessary to appoinb on behalf of the Government an Inspector of Works and a Foreman of Works to look after the job while ib was being carried to completion. The contractor had under him most of the time a couple or three men, so that it took two men at a substantial salary for each to look after the three or four who were working. Yet these two bu per visors were necessary, as bhe sequel will show. Bub it is surely a severe commentary on the general honesty of contractors on Government works that ib requires two men to look carefully after them bo see bhab bhey do their work honesbly.

Well, tho work wenb on all righb, bub very slowly. The bime within which the contract had to be completed was not long, and with the small number of hands employed tbe contractor found he could nob geb finished within the required period. He applied for an extension of time. Now, in taking the contract ib was bo be supposed bhab he had calculated his price on the basis of the time within which he would have to finish. Other contractors for the same svork had to takethpt element into account in bheir calculations, bub when our hero applied for his exbension ib was granted for various osbensible reaBOiifi. The inspecbor and foreman, supervising the work, were naturally in favour of the extension. And why? For tho very simplo reason thab the longer the work was in progress, bhe longer would their good salaries and easy work continue. It wa_ nob to their interesb to kill the goose bhab laid bhe golden eggs.

I have said thab bhe Inspector and Foreman of Works were necessary. Thab will be shown by what follows. The contractor sub-let a part of the work, the driving of the piles for the wharf. Now, tho specifications provided that the piles should be driven into the earth to a certain depth, so thab they mighb have bhe requisite sbabihby. But tho sub-contractor hit on a plan whereby he could drive them in much less. Each pile was a certain lengbh, bub he shortened proceedings by sawing off a large lump ab the end. These lumps were sawn off in the dead of the nighb and carried far far away. All went merrily bill one fine nif hb the foreman gob up aboub 3 o'clock and saw the gentleman sawing ofl the ends. He immediately saw the game, and next day the orders were that every pile driven in should be pulled oub again and proper length piles substituted.

The life of a journalist is a hard one as a rule. He is subject to kicks aad cuds from all sorts of people on whose corns he may happen to tread in the execution of his duty to the public. Letters threatening libel actions, threatening a broken heau, withdrawal of circulation, and all sor.s of dire vengeance are his daily portion. Tt is then with feelings akin bo veneration that I place on record the name of one Mr Reynolds, of Pungarehu. He is a man to be _ingled out from his fel.ovrs owino- to his possession of a largo lump ot symp-ithv with journalists. I find in the columns of a Taranaki exchange the following -._ " We have to acknowloge with thanks a brace of pheasants from Mr Reynolds, of Pungarehu." Now, bhe editor of that paper is a man to be envied if he has a few more suosenbers like Mr Reynolds, lie may have to thank one for a ham, another for a cord of wood, another for a bunch of carrot:!, still another for a new hat. His lifo would be one continual round of delight. But. the lteynoldaes of this world are few and far between. Few New Zealand editors, lam afraid, have received a brace of pheasants this season, unless they wenb behind some hedoe and lay low for the unwary bird with a gun. And then there would probably be as much danger for the editor as for the pheasant.

Our country cousins throughoub the length and breadth of bhe land seem to be greatly exercised in spirit over the doings of the übiquitous " book-fiend." From the Bay of Islands to the Bluff there is indignation in bhe breast of the yeoman—and for that matter, the vcowoman too—and in certain country districts the usually harmless fiend is having a rather excited time of it at the hind 3 of the rural population, A South American revolution is nothing to x f Whab they are all "fashing" their heads about, however, is rather difficult to rightly comprehend. Surely the bulk of colonial people have sufficient sharpness to resist the wiles _ ot tha pedlar who hawks round rubbishy Yankee literary wares, worth say rive shillings, and endeavours to dispose oi

them ab the enormou. sacrifice of five pounds ! And if the works are nob rubbishy, bub really good productions, though expensive, ib is hard bo see how purchasers, having once signed an order for the book, can honestly refuse delivery.

How to secure a congregation appears to be the question of the hour with ab least one Wesleyan Church in Auckland. For some time the attendance at the services has been gradually dwindling away till the con gregation might be almost counted on the fingers, unless some minister puts " oats in fche bin." It is affirmed thab the discourses are too deep and thoughtful for the people, who have been accustomed in the pnsb to lighter food. As ia usual in such cases, bhe people blame their minister for nob being more attractive (or rather sensational), while he no doubt pities his congregation for their wanb of appreciation and culture.

Meetings havo lately beon held after the Sunday evening service to consider the besb way in which a congregation might be secured, and various devices have beon suggested. Some hinted that more attractive music should be given, others that the sermon should be dispensed with and a couple of real, stirring evangelistic addresses given instead, while a few of the funny ones even suggested—well, I won't say what. However, in the future a choral service is to be held ab least once a month, to see how it will answer, and possibly other innovations will follow in due course.

Now, all this to my mind is much to be deplored, when the true remedy lies in a congregation's own hands. Instead of running aboub (as is too frequently tho case with Auckland church-goers) Sunday after Sunday seeking sensations or novelties wherever they are to be found, why don't they make it a practice to attend the services of their own church, and by so doing tend to elieer and strengthen their oir;i. minister, and, instead of magnifying his shortcominge, make all possible allowance for them ? How much better ib would be for both parties, and what a lesson it would prove to scoffers and sneerera of religion. Even Pastor Thomas Spurgeon ab the Tabernacle lasb Sunday told his congregation that while he should be pleased to see members of all churches present at bis evangelistic services held on weok nights, he should be better pleased if on Sundays they attended the service of their own particular places of worship. Ib is, indeed, strange how so-called Christians can manufacture excuses for absenting themselves from their own church owing to a cold or to its being a damp evening, while on other occasions even if ib is " raining cats and dogs " (as the saying is) they can manage to be present ab something novel in tho religious line on Sundays, or ab some entertainment during the week nights, especially if they havo a "free ticket," or the admission is free and no collection.

A well-known solicitor of unimpeachabl o reputation in this city (thab sounds strange, but it is none the less true) was engaged for the defence in a Chinese squabble soma bime ago. His clienb asked how many witnesscshe required. Thesolicitorroplied, " All who know anything aboub the case." The Chinee, with a bland smile, Baid that the other side had 20 witnesses, so he thought he had bebter have 25. " Buc," asked the lawyer, " wero bhey all presenb ?" bo which ho returned the quieb reply: (i No ; bub bhey will know all aboub ib by bhe bime they are wanted."

Ib was refreshing lasb Monday evening to hear Professor Brown ab bhe annual meeting of the Auckland Institute admit thab bhe papers read at the Monday evening meetings were usually very dull. " Open confession is good for the soul," especially if one confesses the shortcomings of others. The President himself is not dull, and his modesty in including himself cannot quite have taken the sting from his too truthful remark. Most of the gentlemen who have delivered lectures and papers during the past year were there, and to hear their effusions styled dull was to some of them, hard bo bear. They all thought, of course, thab their own paper was the one exception, but, nevertheless, there was a certain amount of discomfort amongst bhem visible enough.

There are always a certain number of small boys and bread-and-butter misses brought by unflinching aud Spartan parents to tho meeting of the Institute. The state of despondency to which the youths are generally plunged before the end is terrible to see. The wretched little Pardeggles, enlisted in the infant bands of joy, so beautifully described by Dickens, is nothing bo ib. One really fears suicide or justifiable homicide on bhe person of the lecturer. The misses are nob quite so despondent; they usually produce small slips of paper on which they write covert messages, which passed backwards and forwards, produces surreptitious and carefully suppressed giggles. Bub some venerable old genbleman always has risen ab bhe end, and with a mendacity almost unbelievable, declared that they have all listened with great pleasure to Mr Dryasdust's interesting and insbrucbive—hateful wordpaper. Imagine, therefore, the delight with which the young people received a statement, from the very St. Paul of tho Institute that biio papers were undeniably dull, and might bo foregone without loss. Tbe poor boys visibly brightened, and the bread and butter damsels' eyes grew big with delight. Yet I fear there will still be tedious papers. Tho prosy old gentleman will not be robbed of the pleasure of boring people to death once in a way, and the younger, who are sometimes interesting, will against their will be obliged to follow.

An interesting instance of what ou r little ones have to pub up with, came my notice bho other day. I looked in a* the bouse of a friend, who owns a wife and one sharp little boy of seven. The mother Raid, "Wow then, Punch off to bed." The little lad looked up and replied with a saucy smile. "All Judy !" " You musb nob call your mobher names," promptly snapped the 'father. Young hopeful was nob yet nuite sat upon, for in a reflective and by no means rude bono, he saidl: " Well, if she s Judy you'ro Punch. Good night, Punch and Judy." His voice had a caressing cadence, calculated to disarm parental wrath Bub ifc did not. " How dare you, sir." thundered his fabher. you call us nicknames like that! __ts very hard," sobbed the poor little son in a Jo-liko tone, as ho flung himself face downward- on the hearthrug. "1 oa and mobher call me all sorts of nicknames, jus. . . many as you like, and I can b even call you Si It's very hard!" and I quite agreed with him. * '- _ _.

I nobe an advertisement! signifying that whips of ladies' hair, ail coloura, can be purchased ab a establishment n this city. This must bo a blunder. Women do not get their hair torn out by their spouses; on the contrary, they, as a rule, denude their husbands of their crown of clorv. If the advertisers had stated that "re-thatching would here be successfully performed on the masculine poll, there would havo been quite a run on thab hair-dresser. MrsZamielhas, unfortunately, just entered my sanctum, and, with the curiosity characteristic or her sex, is looking at the above remarks. She professes to be very' indignanb, and declares bhat it has never been proved m a 1 olice Court that a woman ill-treated a man by means of his " ugly, short hair, bub that

there are frequent instances on record of a husband dragging his wife aboub by hotbeautiful long golden locks. I contend that if she were to wear hers short and buy one of these advertised whips of hair— alfcolours—she might not only use ib to chastise her husband and children, but she could, as ib would be easily detachable, when a cruel man seized her golden locks with the intention of dragging her about the floor, loosen her whip, leave it in his hands, and escape, before he had recovered from tho first awful idea that he had behaved like an Apache Indian, and actually scalped her. * * * "All colours." This must be meant for a joke on the ladies of Auckland. Because, though red is worn and raved about by artists as an exquisite colour for hair, yet green and blue have not, hibherbo, been considered appropriate. Stay, lam wrong. When dyed black, the unlucky dyer has frequently discovered that his supposed raven tresses have turned to a decided green ; dark green, of course,_ but all the game, green. Also, lady novelists are fond of crowning their heroes with bhte black locks. So, after all, tho advertiser is quite right. Nowadays, hair is wanted in all colours. » . * In a ease before the Supreme Courb th° other day, the possibility of identifying a steer only seen passing in the road with one viewed three months after in a paddock wa3 disputed. A curious exemplification of the difficulty of recognising oven familiar animals, when of a common type, came under my notice lately. A well-known Auckland gentleman allowed hia brother-in-law to take his Newfoundland dog out for a Sunday stroll. Some time after they had started he was ab his gate, when he saw a dog exactly resembling his own standing outside. He took the animal in, and chained him up, noticing as ho did so thab the collar was missing. Ho rosolvcd to ask his brother-in-law why ho had removed it, and did so on his return. To his astonishment the brobher-in-law produced bhe only genuine Newfoundland, with tho collar on. Both gentlemen went to tho kennel, and compared the two dogs, who were indeed marvellously alike, wibh the exception of tho registered collar.

It is a common saying that there are two men who need not fear the bank manager, viz., he who has a credit balance, and lie who has a " thumping big overdraft." A few years ago an Auckland merchant, who wa3 devoid of tear for the latter reason, received his bank pa33-book ab bhe end of one half-year and was appalled when he saw bhe colossal amount charged him for interest. It so happened thab he had been a bank clerk in his early days, so he made up his mind bo check thab interest charge. Being busy all clay, ho had not time to look into bhe"mabber, so he took his bank-book and his interest tables home with him in tho evening, and, after his dinner and his postprandial pipe, ha set bo work. The resulb of his investigations was thab he found bhab he had been overcharged a large amounb for interest. The following day he waited on the bank manager and showed him the figures. The latter was, at first, incredulous, bub when ho found that his client had worked out the figures correctly, ho airily remarked that the clerk had made a mistake with " that confounded decimal."

A schoolboy friend of mine asserts bhab the compiler of the batting averages of the Auckland Crickeb Club has made a mistake with " that confounded decimal " in a good many instances. Thus tho Rev. G. H. Preston, who made 19 runs in two innings, has his average given as 9'l instead of 95 ; E. C. Beale is credited with 4"4 instead of 4-3 : Dr. Davy with 4-1 instead of 45 ; and R. Blair and W. L. Rees with 3'l instead of 35. Of course, the difference is not very serious when applied to batting averages, but if the compiler is a bank clerk and makes similar mistakes with "thab infernal decimal" in working oub the interesb charged to bhe clients of bhe bank, we may expect some fearful howls from tho proud possessors of overdrafts at thab bank.