ALL SORTS OF ITEMS.

Auckland Star, Volume XVII, Issue 241, 13 October 1886, Page 4

ALL SORTS OF ITEMS.

The last woman—The cobbler's wife. If an ambiguous statement is neithor here nor thoro, where is it ? Why aro the folks who attend a circus liko sailors ? Thoy go to see. Tho green applo is small, but it hath a powerful grip. Thoro is a season of tho year whon you can got what you do not want real cheap. "Talk I" exclaimod tho barber, in an injured tone, " talk I of courso I do ; but I don't injure anybody. I'm sure I never cay anything." A change of scene and a change of air aro no doubt vory well iv thoir place, but plenty of change iv the pocket has been known to mako change in one's foco. To bo sincere w» must speak as we think, beliove aa wo pretend, uct as we profess, perform as wo promifiO, and be as we appear to bo. Somo people don't No, it is not hard to writo funny paragraphs. All you have to do is to procure a pan, somo paper and ink and thon sit down and writo them aa thoy occur to you. It in not tho writing, but tho occurring that is hard. "Lightning fruit jars" are now oxtonsivoly advertised. Tho best lightning fruit we know of ia tho greon apple, but vory few aro ablo to stand tho jar. A Now York city jury rendered this verdict tho otlior day: "We Jury, have came to an agreement that it waa an accidout, but if tho paid deceased ia under fourteen years of ago wo blamo the firm, but if decoasod is above eaid age we blamo both partioa." A party of gentlemen wore talking about courting, and ono of them sadly saidhe would nover risk that kind of thing again. "Why so?" was tho general exclamation. "Because," ho anaworod, "I onco courted investigation and it ruined mo."

On a recent Sunday, tho Roy. Josoph Scott, of Springfield, Mass., wus vory lato ft church. As ho uroso to bogin his sermon ho said : " I am vory .eldoni lata at church ; my horso gavo out thia morning nnd I had to walk. You will find my text in Psalma xxxii, 9 : 'Bo ye not aa the horse or aB the undo, who have no understanding." " Tho poet ia born, sir," said a man haughtily, as he received a rolo of manuscript from tho editor with a shako of tho head. " Oh, im ho ?" ropliod tho editor, with a pleasant smile. " Well, when ho gets old enough to writo something tell him to como and soo mo Good-bye," and he resumed bis labours. " What', your husband's business ?" demanded tho Census. " Hohasnobußincss,'' ropliod the woman of the house. " Well, what dooj ho work at ?" "He doesn't work at all; he's a labour reformer." " Sure enough; and what do you do?'1 " l'lain sewing and washing aud ironing."