EXTRACTS.

Auckland Times, Volume 1, Issue 7, 26 September 1842, Page 2

EXTRACTS.

ROUGH EVERY-DAY MAXIMS. Never borrow money from a friend, if you wish to retafn his friendship. Never wear a shabby coat, even although the tailor’s hill should be unpaid, for the world regards the outer garb more than the inner man. Never go to law it is expensive and harrassing, and you have often the supreme satisfaction of “ gaining a loss.” Never, if your wife is a vixen, ask a friend to dinner, unless it is one of her sunny days;” and, above all, avoid a “washing day.” Never tun upon the street, unless you are chased by a mad bull or the police. Never, if you are given to atter-dinner oratory, speak above ten minutes—conciseness in such cases is a cardinal virtue ; and avoid expressions as “ proudest day of my life”—“ inadequate to respond”— ‘ overpowering gratitude”—never-to-be-forgotten honor” /'cherish till latest day of my life,” &.c., &c. If you are given to action, you need not sweep ihe crystal from the table. Never marry a young lady who depreciates her female friends —it is envy and strife; and ten to one she will turn out a shrew. Never be witty at the expense of others —it may provoke laughter, but it will iniallibly raise enemies Never, if you intend to sing, pretend you have caught a cold, but “ stake the lyre at once.” Never aim at being king of the company—it is an unamiable and usurped exaltation, at which ths feelings revolt; and rather Oe a listener than a speaker. Never lose your temper in argument —it is a sure sign that you have taken.the-wrong side, or got the worst of the debate. Never tfpeak dis-

paringly of absent friends—“ walls have ears,” and a “little bird will carry the tale.” Never read a book on the streets —it is a silly piece of affectation. Never praise yourself; and if honors are thrust upon you, carry them with meekness. Never leap from a railway coach when it is flying at the rate of thirty miles an hour—it is safer to sit still at all hazards. Never, when you are shaking hands with a young lady, squeeze her fingers till she is obliged, in self-defence, to call out “O, fye !” Never be surprised that your letters to your friends remain unanswered correspondence costs trouble. Never ape singularity in dress it is arrant puppyism, excessively vulgar, and worthy only of tailors’ apprentices, who, on the Sundays, play the part of “imitation Highlanders.” Never rejoice in the misfortunes of others—the clouds may be rising which will overshadow your own prospects. Never oppress your dependents—it is the act of an unfeeling coward: “ the merciful man is merciful to his beast.” Never get into debt —it is the devil, and you are at the mercy of you know not whom. Never, if you can help it, employ an attorney—the six and-eight pennies quickly accumulate. Never show “ the lions” to your “ country cousins,” unless you are sure they “will pay the piper.” Never, though you are short-sighted, use an eye-glass, and stare ladies out of countenance—it is rude and vulgar. Never fight with a bully —“ it is better to flatter a fool than fight him.*’ Never marry a widow with a small family, else you will not have your sorrows to seek. Never associate with those below you in station—the world is censorious, and “ a man is known by the company he keeps.” Never wear your hat in a room—it is excessively vulgar, or excessively impudent. Never, though you are handsome, stiut before ladies like a turkey-cock. Never, although you sport imposing whiskers, twist them every five minutes—as for moustaches, they should be put down by act of parliament. Never play off a practical joke—it is characteristic of a weak, puerile, a'nd vulgar mind. Never listen to the tittle-tattle of “ busybodies”—it is poison. Never contradici a lady—it is rude. Never despair, whatever beside—“ it is a long wynd which has no turning.” Never pretend to knowledge which you do not possess—detection may be sudden and humiliating. Never, it you aie humorous,descend to buffoonery. Never chuck your landlady under the chin—it may originate surmises. Never live beyond your income—thus only will you maintain independence. Never plead poverty —it is the most henious of crimes, and you will be shunned as it you had the plague-spot. Never violate truth— veracity is the chief of virtues. Never pay court to a jilt—maid, or wife, she cannot be depended upon. Never do a dishonorable act, because it may escape the observation of the world—for when you lose self-respect, you lose peace of mind. Never play the sycophant—he is a crawling reptile ; despised by all good men. Never get intoxicated, and “ put an enemy imo your mouth to steal away your brains.” Never boast of your courage —the truly brave never boast. Never, if you wear a wig, jerk off your hat in bowing to a lady, else you may cut a very ludicrous figure, to the great amusement of the good nalured public.— Edinburgh Observer ,

GOVERNORS AND COMMANDERS OF BRITISH COLONIES AND SETTLEMENTS. EUROPE. Gibraltar: Governor and Commander-in-Chief, Lieut. General Sir Alexander Woodford. Malta : Major General Sir Henry F. Bouverie, Lieut, Governor. lonian Islands: Right Honourable Jame 3 Alexander Stewart Mackenzie, Lord High Commissioner. Heligoland: Captain John Hindmarsh, R. N., Lieut. Governor. AMERICA. Upper and Lower Canada, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, and Prince Edward’s Island : Right Honourable Sir Ciiailes Bagot. Upper Canada: Lieutenant General Sir R. Downes Jackson, Lieutenant Governor. Nova Scotia : Viscount Falkland, Lieutenant Governor. New Biunswick : Lieutenant Colonel Sir W.Macbean George Colebrook, Knight. Lieutenant Governor. Pnnce Edward’s Island: Captain H. Vere Huntley, R. N., Lieutenant Governor, Newfoundland: Major General Sir John Harvey, Governor and Commander-in-Chief. Falkland Islands : Lieutenant Clement Moody. WEST INDIA ISLANDS. Jamaica and Dependencies: Right Honourable Sir Charles Theophilus Metcalfe, Captain General and Governor, Bahama Islands : Colonel Sir Francis Cockburn, Governor and Commander-in-Chief. Barbadoes, St. Vineent, Grenada, Tobago, &c.: Sir Chailes Edward Grey, Baronet,Governor and Commander-in-Chief. St. Vincent: Lieutenant Colonel Richard Doherty, Lieutenant Governor. Grenada: Lieutenant Colonel Carlo J. Doyle, Lieut. Governor. Tobago: Major General H. C. Darling, Lieutenant Governor. Antigua, Montserrat, St, Christopher’s, Nevis, the Virgin Isles, and Dominica : Sir C. Augustus Fitzroy, Governor. St. Christopher’s: Charles Cunningham, Esq., Lieut. Governor. Dominica: Major John Macphail,Lieut. Governor. Trinidad: Lieutenant Colonel Sir Henry Geo?ge McLeod, Lieutenant Governor. Bermuda: Lieutenant Colonel William Reid, Governor. British Guiana, consisting ot Demerara, Essequibo, and Berbice ; H, Light, Governor. Honduras; Colonel Macdonald, Superintendent. AFRICA, Cape of Good Hope ; Major General Sir G. T. Napier, Governor and Commander-in-Chief Eastern Division of Cape of Good Hope ; Colonel John Hare, C. 8., Lieutenant Governor. Mauritius; Acting Governor Honourable Colonel Wm. Staveley, C. B. [Lieutenant General Sir Lionel Smith, Bt., late Governor and Commander-in-Chief of this colony, died on the 2nd of January last. Intelligence of the appointment of his successor has not yet been received. Sierra Leone: Colonel M'Donald, Captain General and Governor in Chief. Gambia ; (Vacant), Lieutenant Governor. Cape Coast Castle; George Maclean, Esq., Lieutenant Governor. St. Helena; Lieutenant Colonel Hamelin Trelawny, Governor. ASIA. Bengal; Lord Ellenborough, Governor General of India. Madras: Lord Elphinstone, Governor. Bombay : , Governor. Ceylon; Lieutenant General Sir Colin Campbell, Governor and Commander-in-Chief,

AUSTRALASIA. New South Wales; Lieutenant Colonel Sir George Gtpps, Governor. Van Diemen’s Land ; Captain Sir John Franklin, Knt., K. N,, Lieutenant Governor. Western Australia (Swan River) : John Hutt, Esq.» Governor. Southern Australia ; George Gray, Esq.. Governor and Commander-in-Chief. New Zealand ; Captain Hobson, R. N., deceased 10th Sept, 1842—acting Governor Willoughby Shortland, Esq. THE JOLLY MILLER. A FRAGMENT. (From Bentley’s Miscellany.) It was a sujtry day in the month of July, and there was scarcely wind enough to blow a thistle down, Little urchins, with red faces, were chasing the butterflies, jacket in hand, while some tried in vain to raise their paper kites, running in every direction of the compass ; but both -<Eolus and Boreas seemed out of breath, and they could not compass their design. Lolling indolently at the foot of his mill steps, stood a stout miller whistling merrily, when a stranger, who had been for some time toiliug up the hill, accosted him. “ Why dost thou whistle, friend 1” said he. “ lor lack of wind,” replied the miller, abruptly,and the stranger smiled at the paradoxical reply. “ Thou art short—” continued he. “ Some six feet, at any rate,”answered the miller drawing himself up. “ Thou’rt a merry soul.” “ Merry 1 pshaw !—flat as a cask of unbunged ale—no ! —rather like an unblown bladder, for that’s flat for the same reason, —want of wind.” “ Then thou art only in spirits when thy mill’s going like a racehorse.” “ Thai’s a bad comparison,” said the miller; “ for my mill only goes when it’s Mown,—and that's just when a horse stops.” “ True I should have said an ass, for that too goes the better for a blow.” “ Thou hast hit it,”said the miller, laughing; “ and I shall henceforth never see a donkey without thinking —— “ Of me "2” anticipated the strauger, joining in the laugh. “ Surely,” continued he, “thine is a happy, vocation. Thy situation, too, is so much above the richest of thy neighbours,—nay, even the great lord of the manor himself must look little from the height thou beholdest him.” “ Why, yes, replied the nailer; “ and,although I be not a proud man, 1 look down upon all; for not only the peasant, but the squire is beneath me. * Tis true, like another hade-man, I depend upon my sails for a livelihood ; but I draw all my money horn the farmer’s till: and then all the hungry look up to me for their meal.” “ How grateful ought it all to be for thy favours!” “ Ay, indeed ; for, where would be either the highest or the lowest bread without any exa -i< ns? To be sure if they be ungrateful I can give them the sack.” “ Every mouth ought to befiiied with the miller’s praise,” said the stranger. “ Certainly,”added the miller; “ for every mouth would be imperfect without the grinders. He:e they both joined in a hearty laugh, and the jolly miljt-r, finding the stranger ’s opinions and sentiments so flat- % leriagty in unison wun nis own, gave mm an inviiaitpn to taste his mail, while they conversed upon his meal. I How to Board and Lodge in America.— The Philadelphi Chronicle calls the hero of the following story a Yankee, but we will wager a sixpence that he was born in Penns Ivania. But no matter it is a good joke—“ What do you charge for board V' asked a tall Green Mountain boy as he walked up to the bar of a second-rate hotel in New York,—“ What do you ask a week for board and lodging 1” “ Five dollars.” “ Five dollars ! that’s too much ; but s’pose you’ll allow for the times I am absent from dinner and supper?” “Certainly; thirty-seven and a half cents each.” Heie the conversation ended, and the Yankee took up his quarters for two weeks. During this time he lodged and breakfasted at the hotel, but did not take either dinner or supper, saying his business detained him in another portion of the town. At the expiration ot the two weeks, he again walked up to the bar, and said, “ S’pose we settle that account—l’m going in a few minutes.” Tha landlord handed him his bill—“ Two weeks’ boatd at five dollars—ten dollars.” “ Heie stranger,” said the Yankee, “ this is wrong—you’ve made a mistake ; you’ve not deducted the times I was absent from dinner and supper—l 4 days, two meals per day ; 28 meals, at 37£ cents each—lo dollars 50 cents. If you’ve not got the 50 cents change that’s due to me. I'll take a drink and the balance in cigars, — New York Paper.

Piping for a Dinner. — During his stay in Amsterdam Erederick the Great wished to taste a Dutch pasty, which he had heard spoken ofas particularly excellent. His companion was directed to order one of the landlady of the house in which they lodged. On this application the woman eyed him with a look of contempt from head to foot, and said, “Well,sir, as ye would like to eat a pasty have ye got the money to pay for one ? Do you know that a pasty costs thirty gilders V’ Balbi assured the good woman that his companion could easily pay the sum, for he was a virtuoso on the flute, and by playing a few hours he could get plenty of money. She then enquired what a virtuoso was. Balbi explained the meaning of the word, and told her that the stranger was an excellent performer on the flute, who was travelling to make money by his talent. “ Oho ! then I must hear him,” said the hostess. Away she posted to the room where the king was, and, setting both arms a-kimbo, “ Sir,” said she, “ as ye can pipe so cleverly will you just pipe a bit for me 2” At this unexpected address the king was rather taken by surprise ; out Balbi told him in a few words what had passed. Frederick cheerfully took up the flute and played it for some time in his best manner, so that the landlady, delighted with the performance, was fixed to the spot. When he had ceased she said, “ Sure enough, sir, ye can pipe nicely and earn a penny ; and now I’ll go make ye a pasty.” Take good care not to repeat in one company what you hear in another. Things seemingly indifferent, may, by circulation, have much graver consequences than you would imagine; besides there is a general tacit trust in conversation, by which a person is obliged not to repeat any thing out of it, though not immediately enjoined to secrecy. A retailer of this kind is sure to draw himself into a thousand scrapes and discussions, and to be shyly and uncomfortably received wherever he goes. Persons who are always innocently cheerful and good humoured, are very useful in the world; they maintain peace and happiness, and spread a thankful temper amongst all who live around them.

Lord Tenterden. —One day, in banc, a learned genthman, who had lectured on the law, and was too much addicted to oratory, came to argue a special demurrer, “My client’s opponent,” said the figurative advocate, “worked like a mole under ground, clam et secrete.” His figures and law Latin only elicited an indignant grunt from tie Chief Justice. “It is asserted in Aristotle’s Rhetoric”

—“ I don’t want to hear what is asserted in Aristotle’s

Rhetoric,” interposed Lord Tenterden. The advocate shifted his ground, and took up, as he thought, a safe position. “It is laid down in the Pandects vf Justinian”— - “ W here are you got now 1” “Itis a principle of the civil lew.”—“Oh, Sir,” exclaimed the judge, with a tone and voice which, to a punster’s ear, would have abundantly jtstified his assertion, “ wo have nothing to do with the civil law in this court.” In a similar testy mood, when a serjeant had taken up his time, as he thought, unnecessarily, and asked, among other dodging questions, if witness had not seen the gentleman drive off in a yellow chaise, the jidge inquired sneeringly, whether his brother would not like to know the colour of the postboy’s jacket?— Law Magazine. A Warning to the LADiES.—Last week, a dashing car” riage drove up to the church from Box, and a bride, attended by her bridesmaid, was hauded out by her papa. The parson and the whole party were soon in readiness for the important ceremony, with the exception that a chief perfumer in the drama was unacountably absent. The bride trembled as the minutes moved away, and “ He cometh not, he cometh not,” stie said. Her father waxed wroth at the bridegroom’s unpardonable non-appearance, and, taking torse, galloped in search of his intended son-in-law. On trriving at the sinner’s house he found him quietly pursuing iis wonted avocations, unconscious of the presence of his Oulcinea at Hymen’s altar. An explanation ensued. He lad left the lady and her bridesmaid to fix the day—the important day, and they had sent him a note —a sort of varrant—announcing to him his loss of bachelor life on the 10th of August, 1841, but, unfortunately, they committed ihe blunder of neglecting to ascertain if the communication vas received as well as sent. The fact was, it was not received, and hence the disappointment. The bride thanked fer stars it was no worse, and the wedding took place on the following day. How to Send a Newspaper by Post. —Envelopes are unnecessary. Fold the sheet in four with the pages in their proper order; lay it on the table with the front page down, and the last page upmost; double it twice equally ; it will now be in the form in which it is generally left by the newsman. Keep the titie downwards and turn the edges of the paper towards you ; double the edges, or outer margin, over to the inner margin, covering as far as the fifth column, and that which you have so doubled, double again; then turn the sixth column over upon these folds, which you must take ma body, and insert in the outside or uppermost tuck furnished by the inner margin part of the paper you have just turned over upon them, in the manner of folding a letter. A compact parcel will thus be formed, requiring neither siring nor sealed paper to keep it together, while it relieves the post-office people from the bother of looking for stray envelopes, and affords them an easy opportunity of examining toe paper to see whether you try to cheat them of a penny by a surreptitious communication. Superscribe or direct the paper under the title of the paper, and low enough down in the margin to prevent it being cut or torn off without carrying some of the print with it. Papers thus directed seldom tail to arrive at tneir proper destination.

Rather Odd. —There is a circumstance stated in Mr. Penny’s enumeration of the census of Perth, which from the “singular oddity of the thing,” we beg to present to the notice of our readers, viz , that there are— Single men, occupying their own houses, 541. Single women, occupying their own houses, 541. As— So sure a class were never seen So justly formed to meet by nature, we would certainly advise these solitaires to “ pair off ” with all convenient speed ! Lord Bacon’s Study. —(From a Correspondent.)— Two miles and a half from the ancient town of St. Alban’s, completely circumscribed by a dense forest known by the tame of Pree-wood, may yet be detected the vestiges of Lord Francis Bacon’s study. Nothing now remains of the structure but the rude walls, and these are in the last sad stages of decay. The mansion of the above treat man was atuated at Gorhambury, standing about a mile from the spot. 1 o this latter secluded scene of retirement he was iccustomed almost daily to -epair to relieve himself from ihe cares of public life, and from the importunities of public nen; and here it was that he digested and brought to light hose inestimable moral lessons which, whilst they have ended to illume the minds of posterity, have at the same time shed an inestinguishabie lustre upon his name. The nansion in which he resided is also a ruin ; the roof has falen in, the beams are wofuliyjcorroded by the tooth of time, vhilst the tottering towers, which appear ready to fall, lave become the uninterrupted abode of the daw and the Sarling, a class of birds which seem to delight in selecting for their domiciliary habitations those deserted and mouldering edifices which have been the work of an ancient day, <nd which, in by-gone ages, were the hallowed hospitals <nd the habitable halls of human devotion, grandeur and greatness. As the pensive stranger dwells upon these .uins, he is induced to exclaim, in the words of the poet— Desertosque videre locos.” Pork in Algiers. —We find the following extraordinary, and, as it appears to us, inciedibla statement, in a letter fiom Algiers of the Ist instant, published by the Sentinelle of Toulon:—“A lady of Algiers, who some time ago buried one of her children, recently obtained permission from the municipal authorities to have the grave and coffin opened, for the purpose of placing in the lattei a still-born itifant, '1 he coffin was found to be entirely empty, and an enquiry being set on foot as to the cause of the disappearance of the remains of the first child, it was ascertained that the gravedigger, who is the owner of an immense number of pigs, and who supplies most ol the pork butchers of Algiers, fed his gigs with the corpses which he buried. In his house were large quantities of humau flesh chopped up, and, on examining the graves in the cemetry, every coffin was found empty, A discovery was also made in the house of the gravedigger, of jewellery to the amount of 50,000 f., which had been buried with the bodies. The criminal is arrested, and the prosecution going on ; but what a dreadful reflection it is for many persous to think that they have been eating pork fed witb the flesh of their own relatives. The use ot pork has been interdicted for some time, and all the gravedigger’s pigs have, by order of the Procureur-Gen-eral, been killed and instantly buried.— Galignani • When genius is united with true feeling our talents multiply our woes. In such creatures the heart’s urn of tears is exhaustless, and the more we think the more we feel it flow.