ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXV, Issue 9148, 1 September 1888, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

It is a wise man who knows his own name when he sees it in the newspaper lists of hotel arrivals. Mrs. Blogg (to inquiring stranger): " Yes, we are a musical community, \ou have no idea how many executioners of music we have in town." Lady of house to tramp : "If you'll saw up that wood, you can have this pie." Tramp : " Lemme tackle the pie first while I'm ekal to it." It is estimated that the girl who dances eighteen waltzes travels about fourteen miles, and yet the same girl will get very tired if she walks five blocks. If some philanthropist would like a channel wherein to operate, he might lix it so that the manufacturers would make tacks that couldn't stand on their heads. Mamma : "Johnnie, did you throw that cat in the well ?" Johnnie : " Indeed I didn't. I was just holdin' it over by the tail, and it wiggled loose and fell in." Mr. Nouveau (to departing guest): "Goodnight, Mr. Augur. I had begun to think you had gone, and that we had missed the pleasure of saying good-bye to you." "See here, Rusher, I heard that you repeated what I told yon the other day." " Who said I did ?" " Waggley." " Him ? He always blabs everything he hears." Minister : " What ? weeping ? I have come just in time. You are experiencing a change of heart." Girl: " N-o, my heart hasn't changed, but, boo-hoo ! his has." " How do you like our pastor ?" " Very much indeed. Like good wine, he improves with age." " Yes, and his sermons are also like good wine." "Why?" " They are extra dry." Daughter : " I don't think, mamma, that young Mr. Sampson is very polite." Mother : "Why not, my dear?" Daughter: "He giive me his seat in a. car to-day without touching his hat." Featherly to Dumley, who has given him a cigar : " Somebody—(puff)—must have given you this cigar, Duinley." Dumley : " Yes ; is it a bad one ?" Featherly : " No; its's a—(puff)—-good one." The ancient proverb says, " You cannot get more out of a bottle than you put in it." That's an error. Besides what he put in, lie can get a headache, a sick stomach, and perhaps ten days in the lock-up. Considerate mother (to governess): " Miss Smith, don't let Alfred and Jeannie sit down on the damp grass for fear they should catch cold. When they are tired you can sit clown and take them on your lap." "Oh, Tom," she whispered, after the momentous question had been propounded, "lam so happy. Papa and brother Frank have been tensing me awfully about you lately, and, besides, I'm the first girl of our class to be engaged." " Do you know that Nigster is so weak that he can't stand alone?" asked a judge. " Mercy, no," replied the major addressed ; " what is the matter with him?" " Why, I asked him if he could stand the loan of a sovereign, and he said lie couldn't." They had been promenading in the moonlight for some time in silence. "Do you smoke, Mr. Rusher?" "Oh, yes, I'm quite a lover of the weed." " Then don't hesitate on my account to light a cigar." "Thanks, I won't; I feel just as if I were alone !" Ho was a young minister, and on his knees had eloquently declared his passion. "1 pray and beseech you," he concluded, "to listen to my prayer of love. What, oh what is your answer, darling?" Clasping her hands to her eyes and blushing deeply, the girl softly murmured: "Amen, precious." '' Now, I think that is going too far. You promised me you would countermand your order for that dress." Wife : "I wrote to the tirm that very day." "But here is the dress a.'id the bill for it—enough to bankrupt me almost. How do you explain that?' , "I gave you the letter to post and I suppose you forgot it as usual." An eccentric justice of the peace, before whom a citizen had prosecuted his daughter's lover for ejecting him from his own parlour on the Sunday evening previous, solemnly decided as follows : —" It appears that this young feller was courtin' the plaintiff's gal in plaintiff's parlour, and that plaintiff intruded, find was put out by defendant. Courtin' is a public necessity and must not be interrupted. Therefore the law will hold that a parent lias no legal right in a room where courtin' is afoot, and so che defendant is discharged, and plaintiff must pay costs."