POSTSCRIPTS

Evening Post, Volume CXI, Issue 114, 16 May 1931, Page 12

POSTSCRIPTS

Chronicle and Comment

BY PERCY FLAGE

■■ OH, BACCHUS! You must have heard of that nectarish; libation, , a stein of beer? Now there's an "Einstein of it . . .and it's different. Three "handles' sunk, and the place gets full of bent space. ■'■'*■* ♦ ' ' ' ; XCUSE US I . You may talk as glibly as you please about ex-Liberals who became ei-Re-formers, then Independents, then exeunt, but the most imposing of all the ex-s is : ' '..' . EX-TRATERRITORIALLY. >■..:/ ;'■ :.,; FACT!,; -.-.■', '. ' . It's all very ■ well- for..'■■ professional humorists, to manufacture jokes about plumbers, but where's the invention, that can improve: on this? Now; here's, a, plumber any union'^may justly b» proud of. William Metealfe is a plumber in the gangsters' Hollyw.ood— ~ Chicago. His wife was suing him for ' divorcs when the last mail left U.S.A. She alleges that when a pipe burst in. their home- on a recent Sabbath the place ,was ; flooded because "William refused to-fix. it.' "On Sunday?".she" quoted him as asking,' ■ "-Why, it's' against the union rules!" •'.■'' ■* .:' ' * * ■ • /■ ■■ SURE TO HAPPEN. :-.'. An hon'est-to-goodness news note fr'oMi'the land of the star-spangled manner* Dentists may hereafter adminis- ■ ' -ter-liquor, to their patients, Com--1 - missioner Doran has ruled." . : • . ' S'all ri,' nic dearj,(hic);shtop tha' noise. I'm gonna .blurt the truth out. I. aint beenI' drinkin' with., the boys; I've (hie) just adda tooth out! :, '..:'.• '■;■'■ # .'■ ■;'' ' ♦ ■ " . ■'. '. './:'; ' ; SCHOOL'S;IN.- ; , i ':■.■ Startled by: Sir, John's latest; declaration of political faith, and; roaring that haunting ballad, "Confusion to Fusion," the General Knowledge Squad somersaults on to parade "with legs at the slope. Did you know, that— ■" (1) The cost of living- must- corns down? Of course, you didn't. (2) If it doesn't, we'llget depressed' and look, up the morticians to ascertain whether the cost of dying is being cut to suit .the times? ...- . 1 (3) Those naughty Castilians, /;.'., .:, It hurts us to learn, : ; ' ' > . Have millions,, and millions, -"' ...AND millions to burn?;'. .;j ■ . .'-,, (4) There is no need for central heatingl in the. Government Buildings; the : thought: of that 10 per cent, cut gener-^ ates.sufficient warmth as it is?, ..-.-. *' (5) If Gandhikeepshisrword when he goes to England, and wears trousers, . with; legs like < his the pants; had better bei creased at the sides;; and -doublebreasted ? ~ '■'■.•:• ■ •'■ ■■■■■'■ '■■' ;■ :■ J' ■ ':.■' 1 (6) Charming stqry of the small boy ; before a mirror,- murmuring,; "That's,' me.?"? "When Ms mother enjoined him to;;say, "That's I," he: philosophised:; "Well, it may be-1,-.but it, looks like; me." ■ ■ ..: ;;-.' "'.. ■ '.';' .'; ■,-,. . ■ .■ , ;■'. (7i)b?he world's'largest coffin weight 1118 tons? ■'~lt .is. the sarcophagus of w, Egyptian: prince, is 5000 years old, and was unearthed not far from Cairo? ■ (8) That's not the sort of casket you could carry round with you, as the late Sara Bernhardt was wont to do? '(9) We must really be more cheerful, or the squad leader, a sensitive chap, will start crooning? "■ (10) If youhaveii't a wave trap, or whatever it is, the battle royal between the two local 'broadcasting stations will help to make you more.tolerant of. steani-rivetters?.,'.-■ .. . '■'.-. '•■■"l-: ' ■ .. !' /V' ■"■■-,' ■ ■.:-'■ -..:„, , . * .-...-...,*,■ ;,..., ■* ■ ,; ~-:'. SEE:THE WOBLDI '■'■ ':': .; Occasionally, weather permitting, anl. the atlas providing us with the reqnis-' ite landing-places, we, intend running a .personally-conducted world tour in this calamitous column. The fares' range' irbm tuppence to.- three half*' pence, according to your- social standing^ir sitting. The magic carpet is rather moth-eaten, but that, is-'being-fixed up with.sticking-plaster; We shall lure the Town Hall organ for each o.cca- ■ sion. Passengers will be: expected ao^'. to talk back at the pilot. ■'• '""_,.' Oome, explore the' universe In this all-too-looney verse. Let usdrop our worldly eeremertts y And the usual endearmentV And; set off by means of; magic ; On a trip largely pelagic, Starting, .from the'; Murnimbidgee • On our opening phase to: Fiji. , - Thence, with one long fond goo3-bj«f Steer, the old. rag for; Hawaii, s ■•. Where they strum, the ukulele, ■".'.-•. Singing love's enchantment dailj^ ■And the young-bloods use hibiscus To adorn incipient whiskers.-, ' ■ ■ ■ Then we turn, to cross 'the BosphoirnS| Where the.,, sea is live witi phospHorus.These historic, age-old regions; Knew the, tramp of long-legged legions. Not far. off lived Aristotle, , Who was brought up on the bottle '(So we hear); and old Pythagoras,- ■ ,Who reaped fame;enough to stagger vsf Not to overlook Thueydides, Guilty of/no grave' stupidities '." ■ (It,is said); then there was PlatOj With a face like a potato ■ ■ (Eumour has it); also Pliny: When he grew out of his pinnyj ■-.'. v And took'later to his togaa, ' Could, in looks, give points to ogres,- > And they hurt to look at when yoa Meet them in their natural venue. We must leave .these ancients wond'ronijj For we wish to see the tundras Thund'rous, in far-off. Siberia, '. Ere our weary eyes grow wearier, And the dark bine' twilight Northeraj Drops down soon, if not before then. i So, in manner quite-Julss Verne'jj'] We are on our jangling journey, - - ; ';; ■ ■ '-. V ■ ' ♦'■■ ' ■#.' .; ; - : ■■.;"■■'■ TEUST SOLLY! '' . If this one isn't good for a chnekle, you had better see your 'medical adviser. It is taken from Colonel B. J. Blackham's entertaining reminiscences,-, "Scalpel, Sword, and Stretcher." It begins with a plus-four golfer arriving at the celestial gate, and having his visa endorsed by St. Petor, who subsequently escorted the new arrival to the heavenly links, where there werV->* «.v>jnr ber of players on the first tee. "Oh!" said St. Peter. "I forgot. There is a big match on to-day. Nevcc mind, you will see a lot of players you have often heard of, but never thought you would see playing golf. The Old Testament is playing the New .Testa-' . ment." ; ■.'.' ~ - Billy Smith saw Moses playing with St. Matthew, Aaron playing *St. Luke, and Isaiah playing St. Paul. Billy, watched, the players • for some . time*, and then said: . . ! : "This is. very interesting] But I am. a Freemason' as well as a and there is one famous character of theOld Testament. I have heard a. great' deal about, and I don't see him here." "Who is that?" asked St. Peter,. "King Solomon." Ah! King Solomon! He's never herey He's always oa the ladies' linksl,^-.--_ r j.