Ballistic Ballyhoo

Observation Post, Volume 1, Issue 4, 12 June 1942, Page 2

Ballistic Ballyhoo

(By Michael Hunter.)The youthful pages of the Observation Post have yielded in long. and ponderous scripture -various reflections on the heredity of this Regiment, penned by those lofty few who rule the destinies of the lowly gunner. Inspired by these effusions of Johnsonesque journalism I decided to enlighten this Regiment per medium of our excellent little paper on the history of Ballistics and Gunnery. In order to do this I have to go back well beyond the time when Adam was foiled by the figleaf and had to pin his hopes on autumn. Once, when time was young, from the primeval ooze of the beginning of everything, there emerged a blob of jelly, a single living cell which just existed. It continued to exist and the forties of evolution got to work on it. It multiplied, it grew legs and crawled, it turned into strange creatures, and finally, after a few million years, from this humble beginning there emerged our first ancestors, the apes. , Here we have the beginning of the , first period of Gunnery and Ballistic ' Science. These ancient relations of' ours, in between swinging through the trees and giving ape calls (Ref. Johnny Weissmuller) were prone to toss cocoanuts at each other in fun and fury. To sum up, we have the cocoanut or projectile set in motion by the hand or .gun, and this, as you can see, was the/, beginning and most primitive stage oi the two sciences. . G We abow Time to stagger by another million years or so, and we find our first traces of man. There was not much difference between man and the early apes, except that the tail was missing and the capability of reasoning .was dimly ' apparent. They did not throw projectiles simply by instinct but had a definite aim behind their gunnery, e.g., the slaying of a spot of grub, the scorning of an enemy for an amorous advance. This practical application of the science, however, received a setback by an economistic element which arose. This element discovered that by lashing the projectile to the end of a stick it could be weilded with greater efficiency and did not need to be replaced or recovered, so for the time being the sciences fell into abeyance. =, We now come to the second period in' the evolution of Gunnery and Ballistics. Time in the interim had had a few thousand more birthdays and man woke up to the fact that projectiles ’ could be launched with much higher veloiety and range by using artificial means, hence the bow and arrow and the sling. It is at this point that we encounter the first known historic reference to Gunnery, applied as an offensive means against a superior force. For details of this we turn to that greatest of history books, the Bible. Therein is contained an account of how the great Phillistine army was prevented. in its slaughter of Israelistic hordes by a giant rejoicing in the name of Goliath. These savages had recruited this giant, and when the two armies were about a hundred yards apart, placed him to the fore and sat down to await events. The Israelite armies looking on this monster were smitten with fear and ■ stood quaking till their breast-plates rattled. Conferences were held every ten minutes, but no decision could be arrived at; it looked as if a strategic retreat was the only course, when a youth called David, stepped forth and

calmly announced he would floor Goliath. Armed with a sling and ten rounds* of suitably-shaped rocks, he made a reconnaissance, and established his position on a mound about thirty yards from the giant, who, considerably amused, was debating with himself whether to merely squash him dr use him as a delouser on his person. David loaded up and shot ,in for line, and rapidly established his verified short bracket. He then adjusted his M.P.I. and with one round gunfire, scored a direct hit on his target, a wart growing between the evil eyes of Goliath. : The monster fell with a dull thud, and David slung his sling and George Beired back to the Israelites’ lines where fame and vast quantities of pleasure and plonk awaited him. The Romans, as befitting the militant nation they were, invented the first artillery piece on record. This device was known as a eatapujt, working on the principle of the shanghai. It hurled boulders of large size a considerable distance. 1 When laying siege to a city they would set up these machines and proceed to toss boulders of all sizes and shapes at and into the unfortunate metropolis. While this pounding was going on they would adjourn to their tents ami tabbies and make merry in a riot of wine and wassail. Now and then by; way of amusement they would select a few of their prisoners and after removing all but their birthday suits would return them to the • bosoms of their families via the I catapults. ( This amusing practice was stopped, ! however, after a very unfortunate inciI dent. It appears that a certain general was in the habit ,of paying nocturnal visits to the tent of one of his fellow brass hats, who rejoiced in the possession of a concubine of particular charm. One night he was discovered in a horizontal situation which necessitated a smart evacuation, so he decamped at high speed. Now, a catapult crew who were expecting a bit of live ammunition, saw a naked figure running towards them out of the night. They pounced on it joyfully and despatched it promptly in the direction of the battered city. I regret to mention that when the loss was discovered they followed th general in quick succession themselves. A long succession of years roll by before any further steps were made in gunnery, in fact, it was not till the eighteenth century that the third and filial stage was entered upon. The principle of confining energy in a tube sealed at one end, and stopped by the projectile at. the other, and then liberating the energy, with the resulting expulsion of the projectile with a high velocity from the tube, came about in the following manner. A person whose nationality I will conceal owing to the European situation, was engaged in his weekly binge, in fact he was well into his fourth day and his room presented a scene to gladen the heart of any “Bottle Ho. Now this person who naturally was a high’ army official, had been observing with maudlin curiosity, the force and speed with which the corks popped out of his bottles of, bubbly. Suddenly, a /great idea smote him. Why not build a gigantic bottle on wheels which could be brought on to • the field of battle and made to discharge its corks at the enemy? The less said about this person the • better, but he started the idea, and it

I was destined to grow, like his headache, ! into a big thing. Several means of energy were used, but with no avail i until one day gunpowder was discover- ! ed. We attribute ■ this ; to an old Alchemist who was diligently pursuing his quest for the philosopher’s stone, i i until he found something which blew I i out most of his front teeth and con- 1 ' sumed in a flash his eyebrows, whiskers , and hair. From this point things i began to progress. The early guns were | I things of great uncertainty. Only the I most courageous of men would fire hem, and one of four things would happen: — 1. They would go off as required. ( 2. They would not go off at all. , 3. They would backfire. • 4. They would blow up. ; But as time went on the artillery piece was improved beyond measure, 1 and to-day you see the proud result of these improvements in Ballistics and Gunnery as an exact science. . ; In conclusion, 1 express the hope that, my brief survey will be of benefit to 1 all ranks, and trust that on realising the amount of romance and tradition which lies behind our work, we will be inspired to greater endeavours in our efforts to master the business. ' [Thanks Michael, I am sure we shall now be in a position to know what is happening every time a piece goes pop.] CAMOUFLAGE. Sergeant: Hey, You! Did you camouflage the ammunition dump.’ Curly: Sureits like the Kitchen. Sergeant: And what about the Kitchen? j Curly: It’s like the Sergeant’s mess. I Sergeant: Yeah —but what about the Sergeant’s mess? ; Curly: Oh! —That- like tier- ailllll 11 ni'-~~ tion dump. ALEXANDER TURNBUL