A Leadswinger's Confession

Observation Post, Volume 1, Issue 3, 5 June 1942, Page 2

A Leadswinger's Confession

(By ‘The Gadfly.’’) In World War No. 1, I swung the lead. 1 tell you that, frankly, openly and without shame. But whether it was worth my while to • suffer so much to gain so little (as the Workhouse kid said, when he had mastered the alphabet at the end of the birch) I leave you* to judge when you have heard-my story. It all happened in this wise. When, in the cany portion of 1914, a crazed student had flung a bomb'that sent a worthless monarch to the bosom of his fathers, there to give an account of his own. handling of the Divine right of kings to do the. wrong thing so often, he. started ‘ something that had its repercussions right round the world, and one of them was to smash up our cosy little home, some 15,000 miles from the spot where he had cluttered up a stinky- little throne. Wheels in the war machine commenced to turn, and in turning, tore four of my brothers from the family tabic. Two of them were ex-Imperial service men, and of these, one, 'very early, in the scrap, left part of .himself on some barbed wire entanglement,‘‘somewhere in the Persian, Gulf, while the rest of him was blown to parts unknown by an enemy bomb. The others volunteered early in the struggle. I, alone, was left, and it was agreed that I should stay. put. Therefore when the ballot caught me, my mother appealed. It was heard before a magis trate. She told her story, pointing out that father was a retired Imperial soldier with 25 years’ service to his credit, she was 'a: soldier’s daughter, married ‘ on the strength, and /that four out of the five sons had enlistee vol qntarily, and that one had beer killed. The magistrate listened attent.'.Vv, then gazing at me, his boson: swelled and he said that this was one of the finest records he had ever heard: it was a credit to all -concerned, and ii every- home in the country had done its duty as well as ours, there would have been no need for conscription. Ad journed sine die. Newspaper' mew pre sent sent their pencils scurrying ovei their copy paper, arid marked their re ports “B/i,’’ and next day the new: appeared in startling black type. Temptts Fuglt. ■ . Well the war went on, ana now.' ii went, and in what direction, may bt judged by the fact that daily the paper: told of the special decoration which h'a< been conferred upon Brass Hat Rariiroc for his “masterly- withdrawal” ' fron Dunneken Heights, or upon Genera Splatter-Splosh of Herring-gut, for th* outstanding stand at ' Bludensnot orner, where he had withstood as mult wih he loss of only 150,001 ■en and four transport columns. Th< achievement of the latter had move* the editor of the Christchurch Chime: (who had carefully tied up his litth finger, in sticking plaster to avoid in fection from a kitten scratch) to assur '■’« readers in his editorial that in th holding of Bludensnot Corner “w could well afford to lose 500,000 mer if necessary.’’ The war situation looh ed stickv, and the repeated reference to the advances of our troops, whe verified bv the map, left one to wonde if our army didn’t move crabwise. Different Story. Eventually, all “sine die’’ eases wer reviewed, and my case came up befor

. the same magistrate. Mother told the I same story about dad and his 25 years’ I service, about my brothers going and I about the one that was killed. Again the magistrate listened attenI tively, and again he gazed ht me. Again ; his bosom swelled and he said that this was the most disgraceful thing he had ever heard. Here was an able-bodied .man skulking behind the splendid ser- - vices to the country, of his father, and his brothers. Skulking and attempting I to evade his duty, even though one of 1 his brothers had given his life that he ; might have freedom. It was deplorable that there should be such a specimen 1 in the country, and if every person did as he was doing, where would the Em- ■ pire be? Appeal dismissed. Newspaper men present sent their pencils scurrying over their copy paper, ; marked their reports “B/i,’’ and the J next day the news appeared in startling ■ black type! In Camp. , Well, I was soon in camp. But I • hadn’t finished yet. I. had ' defect!'. .* ■; eyesight, and I had a. doctor friend, a , I specialist and a Sinn Feiner, who had ' ] given a certificate that my eyes could see pink elephants and blue cats, with-out-the aid of “Black-and- White I i whisky, and that taken all in all, I was I I as useful to the army as the New TestaI ment in Arabic. This was duly pre--I sented to the C.M.O. with the result -I 1 spent many weeks travelling between I Featherston and Wellington, seeing the : eye specialist, and, incidentally . t “swinging it’’ for all I was worth. I This - went on for a considerable time, I until some one higher up got tired of i the game and I was presented with a ■ chit to give to the C.M.O. What was i in it, I never found out, but the result ■ was a call to the “big noise,’’ who told I me that I was to be assigned to light - duties for the duration. I was elated, ’ but I look back in pity for myself ! because of my unsuspecting innocence! ■ ’■ Cook-House. [■ Early one morning 1 was called to go - to the cook-house, to commence those 8 same light duties. Now bear in mind I had defective eyesight. My first day at that cook-house was spent in peeling SIX BARRELS OF ONIONS. My 1 second day there -was spent in peeling 3 another six barrels of onions. My third, s fourth, fifth was spent In peeling half a dozen barrels of onions . . . And so ’it went on for weeks and weeks. On 1 the first day, I wept. On the second, ' I wept some more. And on the third 3 I wept again, but after that 1 lost count, for the weeping • became quite involuntary, and the only satisfaction ’ I had was the knowledge that if the 3 war was won on the, stamina of- the 1 troous, given to them through the s medium of the never-ending stew, I, at e least had played my part. l ' I went into the army, with eyes that 0 were defective, and I left it in due e time thoroughly convinced that there 8 were more ways than one of dealing l with the malady. Mine was a “way L " they have in the army,’’ surely. 1 8 told you that I swung the lead, but let n me assure you, gentle reader, that, not r even to my hated enemy would I say “Go thou and do likewise.’’ , Tin acquisition of wisdom, can sometimes b( e a most painful process. Believe me •e DON’T SWING THE LEAD! .