SMILE RAISERS.

New Zealand Tablet, 5 August 1920, Page 46

SMILE RAISERS.

Well-meaning Hostess (to amateur vocalist who has done his worst): “You must never tell us again that you can’t sing, Mr. Smith. We know now!”

Critic: “Well, I’ll say this— that’s Art, I'm an ass.” Artist: “Oh, that’s Art right enough.” “Does your husband suffer from his rheumatism?” “Yes, but not half so much as the rest of us do!”

John: “I heard you congratulating- Mr. Scribbler on his short stories. What on earth do you find to admire about them?” Bill: "Their shortness.”

The Grocer: “Yes’m, the high price of mustard is due to the scarcity of fuel. You see, people are buying up mustard and are keeping themselves warm with poultices!”

Guide: “This castle was built by Henry the Eighth.” Perspiring tourist: “Well, why the deuce did he build it so far from the railway station?”

Since her husband had become a Government contractor, Mrs. Newton bad put on no end of side. Recently she gave a reception, and thought to impress her guests by having the gardener in to help at table. He managed fairly well except for spilling the tea on the frock of the doctor’s wife and treading on the vicar’s pet corn. But he got tired of offering thin bread and butter to one old lady. At the seventh trip he bent down and advised her in husky tones, which rang through the room : , If ye was to slap two or three pieces together, ma’am, mebbe you’d get a mouthful!”