SMILE-RAISERS.

New Zealand Tablet, 25 April 1918, Page 45

SMILE-RAISERS.

Kirsty Macdonald, who lived in a remote Highland parish, had a visit from her Edinburgh nieces, who were to spend a week or two with the old lady. So she determined to show them off on Sunday at the village kirk of Lochaber. The. young ladies wore costumes of the purest snowy white. At one point of his sermon, the minister, in speaking of the Angels of Heaven, said: “And who are they in white array ?” To, the consternation of the congregation, Kirsty said: “It’s ma two nieces, sir, from Edinburgh.”

“James,” said the efficiency expert, annoyed by the cheerful habit which his chauffeur had of whistling while at his work, “you should remember that the greatest fortunes nowadays are made from the byproducts of waste. Hereafter when you whistle, whistle into the tyres and save the expense of a pump.” r . •

“Has nobody been during my. absence?” asked the doctor.. “I left this slate here for callers to write their names on, and it,is perfectly clean.”

“Oh, yes,” replied the servant.- A lot of 1 folks has come, but the slate got so full o’ names that I had to rub ’em out to make'room* for : more'. V-- -■*.— • ■’ ’ Instructor (at night school) :. “Give a sentence with the word ‘metaphysician’ in it.” ' , Shaggy-haired Pupil “On his way home Mr, Jones metaphysician.” An old darky went to the-judge and wanted to have his wife arrested for rocking him to sleep. ■ “Why, man,” said the judge, “you can’t x have your wife arrested for rocking you to sleep!” ' “That’s all' right, judge,” replied the darkey, “but you should have seen the rock.” A certain British soldier’s letter, according to Punch, runs thus: ■ “I am sorry I cannot tell you where I am, because lam not allowed to say. But I venture to state that I am not where I was, but where I was' before I left here to go where I have just come from.” A Scottish soldier doing sentry duty at the entrance to a barracks, also used as a public thoroughfare, heard footsteps approaching in the dark, and gave the usual challenge: • . “Halt! Wha goes there?” “Me,” was the reply; “but I’m no’ gaein’; I’m coming back!”