The Storyteller

New Zealand Tablet, Volume XXXV, Issue 4, 24 January 1907, Page 3

The Storyteller

MR. PUFFER'S FIRST WIFE

(Concluded from , last" week.) % ' You know, I kind o' liked that little humbug. Prom all she told me she'd had a hard life, and mebbe it* was her needeessity- that driv' her into" the mcc-

jum bus'ness, but the Lord don't put no one under the needcessity o' (loin/ wrong to earn a livin-', and I think it is wrong to humbug even them^that is willin' to p.ay for the priv'lege o1o 1 boin'-humtogged. She didn't ido..any rushin' business, but soiiie one come ev'ry day to have their fortunes told or to have her go int*o a_ .trance. Trance ! The Untie trollop never done a- thing but just throw back her head- and shut

her eyes and gasp a little and kind o' stiffen. It was plumb silly. Ain't it astonishin' how easy some folks is humbugged ? ' " . s

' It certainly .is, Mrs. Puffer.' •'"Well, now, do you know that Puffer was .among "em? He was allus dab,blin' in - what fblKs call the " occult," and he was firm in the belief that there was something in all sorts o' (nonsensical things that I know are_-tomfoolcry. But he's a man you can't argify with. Set ? Dbnjt talk !- Let that man once get % thing in his. head, arid there it" sticks like a barnacle to the- bottom of a ship/ When a woman's lived seventeen years as his lawful wedded wife she -gits familiar enougli with.. his ways to know that there are times when silence' is golden, sure enough.- ' I JLell- you if us women would only, keep our tongues" still at certain" times there'd be fewer squalls on the sea o' matrimony and we'-d gain more vict'rjes. I've won many a vict'ry simply by--keepin' my mouth shet. It's a tumble 'strain on the temper, bait it pays in the. end. I" knew too"*- well what Puffer's views about seeyances and such nonsense was, to say anything when I see him gittin' interested in -Madam Ant.onia's performances". You know when a bcfay gits far enough along in the'r belief in this occult bvs'ness

they kin believe just, anything, and Puffer -was that fer along. It -was as plain as the nose on my face .that Madame Antonia was humbuggin 1 folks ; but it would hawe-been no use to tell Puffer- that. He -thought she was wonderful, and I thought 'I'd let him think, so, if it done -Him any- good. - -Want that v^t.he best way ? ' .^ . - ' ■ ' I dare say ib was.' "*" . "'lt "saves a lot o' wranglin' and kep' peace in the ■ family.- I tell you, but you have to" bear and forbear • if ' you want to escape trouble in .the married relation ! ' And I forbeared when it ' come to havin' words -with Puffer about his occult "nonsense. Well, one • day. Madam Antonia was in my rooms chatterin' like a. magpie, and all of a sudden she says: ' You're Mr. Puffer's second wife, ain't you ? ' ' " How do you. know that ? " ast I. ' '" Oh, Running Water, my Injun control, told me," says she. J " Runnin' fiddlesticks!" says I. ",Na dirty -old Injun that" never -had anything to do with water of any kind ever told you that. Did- your ' control ' happen -to tell you that Puffer was my second hasband ? " ' ," La, yes ! " says she, and after a .lot more nonsense along that line she finally owned- up that Puffer had been to her, wantin' to have his first wife called' up for him -to talk with. Well, some women would- of got mad, "'but I didn't. I do think it's just as well to let the dead and the beautiful rest when it comes to callin' up dead wives and husbands " and you are . married agin. It's kind 6' awkward, to sa} r the, .least of it, ana I'd no wish v to- call up Joel Peters, my first, when Hiram Puffer was in his " shoes. Dori'.t you see how it mightn't be pleasant ? - . ' That' puts me in mind of a story Fve - heard of ■ a man who was just as hasty and mean as he could be* to his wife all their married days,- and when she died he got repentant— as these kind will, you knowso he goes to a mcejum and gits her to call his wife up.~ Then he says to her, says he : " Are you happy, dear?-" And she says she is ff ever and evei-so happy. Then he" says: "Are you" happier than when -you married^, me?" and she says: "Oh, much happier !' ' Then \\6 says : ' • Where are • you ? J -'., and , she kind o' ~jarred him by savin' : " I'm in purgatory." I reckon that fetched the Snterview to a sudden end.'

1 But Puffer didn't seem to feel that way about callin' up Jane Lamson, her that had been his first. I was purty,_sure in my own mind t'toafe I knew just what he wanted to fealk to her about. For rears

an' years he has believed that he one < o' the heirs to a .great estate in England worth millions and millions. It's the great Robison estate, and his mother was a JRobison. He's had letters irom law-__ -yers who was sure they could establish his claim, and I reckon he has spent a good hundred dollars altogether, and the more he spends the surer he is that he's got millions in his grasp. I made up- my mind years ago that it was - all a piece q' humbug- ' gery. That " estate in England " way o' fleecin' money out o' greenhorns is old. as the hills an' only addle--pated folks are ready to jump at a bait o' that sort. - 1 was sure that P N uirer wanted to -consult his first about that estate. He'd been talkini' - a lot about it of late, and had ' even hinted that he might take the savin's of fifteen years and go to England hisself to look after his interests and pertect.- his rights hisself. He was just as sure that estate was there as he~ was liv-in\ So I says to Madam " Antonia : - ' "Did you call up Puffer's first for him? " ' " No ; but I mean to," says she. -• 4 Now, she was owin' me a good-sized wash bill and a couple o' dollars for*, pie and doughnuts, and her bus'ness had been bad of v late, and I knowed she _was behind in her rent and would soon be movin' on. So I - say's right out to her : ' " Lookee h.ere, Madam Antonia— although" you know perfectly well that ain't your name — I reckon you and me understands each other very well by this time. You know that I know that your wonderful powers are all bosh, so you won't , hurt your reppytation with me none by fallin' in with what I mean to pro- ' pose, for you ain't got no reppytation' to lose along that line. I want you to -go ahead and give Puffer his - private settin 1 in your cabinet, only I want it to be me instid o' you Hn the cabinet.' 1 " Oh, my ! " says she. ' " It's what I want," says I. " You an' Runnin' Water and Little Evy and Whisperin' Wind and Queen, -■ Catherine and all the others that's been in the cabinet of late kin just keep out for once and let me have a chance. I give you my word that I'll - never breathe a word of it to anyone while you are here, s and I'll call my account a'gin 1 you square.' j '"You wouldn't give me . away to Mr. Puffer, would you ? " says she. ' Well, the upshot of ■it all was that she agreed to it all. Puffer was to have his settin' with her that very night at . eight o'clock. ' .Now ~l reckon it would have tickled you to of seen me at eight o'clock that night settin' in ,±hat cabinet in one o' them long, loose, flowin' white robes I'd washed and done up with my own hands. I was there when Puffer came into the room. A minute or two later Madam Antonia put out all the lights but just a candle in a fer corner, and it shed a dim, ghostly light. Then the madam pertended to go into the cabinet, but all she done was to squat down back o' the curtains behind it. Piifler had had his orders to take his place in front o' the cabinet, and when the little curtain in front/ of the opening, which was about ten inches . square, was pushed back it would be a sign that his first wife was in there and ready to have a little confab with - him. Ever hear anything so silly "in all the days of your life ? ' ' I never dM.' ' Nor I. After a minute •or two I pushed back the curtain, and there I was with face whitened with flour, and a long white "veil wrapped around my : head something like -a- turban and fallin' around my ' shoulders. I set on a -high stool well back from the front and the least mite o' light shone in. The mm- '. ute Pufier put his face up to the openin' in the cabinet I says ♦in a ghostly whisper that I'd been prac- .; tisin' on all day : - 4 " Hiram Puffer, my husband !' 1 " Are you my wife ?" ast he. 1 Well I come mighty near .sayiri' : " You bet- I am !" but I thought it wouldn't sound very spiritooal so I just says : : " I am," and I had to clap . my hand over my mouth to keep from gigglin'.^ Then I says : ' " I am your wife. I am always near you, Hir'•ara. I watch over you every day." ' " You know, of course, that I— that I— am mar---ried 'again?" says he. '" I do, Hiram, and you have a good wife, a good, good -wife. You know that, don't you,. Hiram?" '"Yes," says he, "she's all right; but- 1 ~dunntf as it would do to tell her so." - . ' 1 " No," says I, "it wouldn't. And she don't tell you how much she reely thinks of you. But, Hiram, you w»ill do well to take her advice in' most things. The fact is, Hiram, she is a good deal smarter than ■ f

you are. We see things in the speerit ""world plainer than you earthly mortals see 'era, and since 1 have become a- speerit I know -far more than .you, Hiram." * 1 Well, if I didn't' hear '.that little- mischief squatted down behind the curtain _giggie at'this.'amd what does she do but reach into the , cabinet, under the- - and pinch my ankle; 1 give her a' little kicK and proceeded on : .' . -' ' " Hiram," says i, " you, done 1 well when you married the W'iddcr Peters. - You done better than she jdid ;.,but. you can make yourself worthy of her if you try. i thought you might like to ttnow that 1 approve 'of your second marriage* Your wife is a very unus'al woman. 1 ' '"1 know it," says he; '" but . what' I want to, talk to you .about is a bus'ness matter.- - Can > you tell_ me if I am ever likely to get anything from the Ro-bison estates in England ? " ' " Not a red cent ! " says I in a real harsh , whisper. " One thing I have come from the speerit world for is to tell 'you not Ufspend. another cent on that thing. You are being tricked. There ain't no Robison estate in. England.—^ lt is. all a humbug. Don't you ever forget that 1 have said so." ' Well, he gave a kind of a little groan, and says: " You sure, Jane ? " -, , ' " Kin a spirit lie?.!.' says I reproachfully.- "" If you take my- advice, Hiram, you, -will give most of your wages to your v wife for her to put in \-fhe savin's bank' with her own savin's. "Shies a longer head than you when lit comes to . money affairs. The , Kob/ison - estate is a. fake, Hiram. I'll go back to where I belong a great deal happier if you will promise me never, never to waste 'another cent, on it, Hiram. Promise me, Birdie." -' t / " 1 " ' You see when Puffer was pour'Un' me. lie told me that his first wife used to -call "him " Birdie," , andme callin' him that in the cabinet done -a- lot toward makin' firm his faith that I was her speerifr. s - Then he "says : .-.;_- ' " II 11 want to make sure that you- --are. reely and 'truly a speerit, and I will believe it and' be guided by s your advice if you will answer a 'few questions to prove your identity to me. How old am I?" " ' ' Sixty-three -the third day -o' next March." ' " What is my present wife's full -name? V 4 " Susan Adaline, and you were married to her on the fifth day of -May, and - she , will be sixty years old the tenth of June." ■ r ' " Wonderful !'' says he. " There can't no- one * make' me believe that there's no such thing as speerits after this." 4 "-Now, Birdie," says I, "if you will go and • set down in that chair on the other side o' the room I will materi'lize in full for you." 'He went and set down and I stepped out o' the door mi the bade o' the caibinet and walked across the- floor with a kind of a wavin', dancin' motion, with my- arms over; my- head and my " white draperies floatin' out behind- me in the dim light. I kind o' .teetered and, floated along until I come to a door leadin' inlo a dark passage-way, and I slipped into it and from there into my own , rooms. Madam Antonia she slipped into the cabinet' the minute - I slipped out of it and turned the' gas on strong and -said to Puffer : 1 " You see I am still here and -your wife has ~ gone." • - • .'When Puffer came into our rooms a quarter of an hour later I was puttih' a mixin'.o' bread to rise, ' and- I says : " Where you been'? y • ,_ ' "-Been to one o'' the most convlncin' materi'lizations I ever went lo'iii. my life,", says he boldly, " P don't mind tellin'- you, Susan, that I've" been talkin' to my wife. I" -know you won't b'leeve it; but it's a fact, and., -she has told -me things that makes me willin' to own "up -to you that you were right- in vhinkin' that that estate in England 1 is a fake." • ' ■ " ' " That" so ? " says I, cool as a cowcumber. "I'm glad of it, Hiram." , • . * "" ' '"And the next Saturday * nigjit if -that man .didn't hand ' me over a two-dollar bill and say: "I .reckon you might as well put that to your, account in> savins-bank, Susan." '-He never fooled away another dollar on the estate- in ,England projec' after that, and there's above two hundred, dollars in the savin' s-bank' to his credfit — - but it's in my name. As,, for' Madam .Antonia, ' she lit out between .two -days a few days later, and I never saw the poor little critter no more: _ And Puffer don't know to this day how lit'rally^he talked to his wife that night in the madam's cabinet.— ' New York Tribune.'