In Lighter Vein

New Zealand Tablet, Volume XXIX, Issue 37, 12 September 1901, Page 18

In Lighter Vein

(By 'Quip.')

*•# Correspondence, newspaper cuttings, etc.. intended for thu department should be addressed ' QUIP,' N.Z. TABLET Office, Dunedin, and ■hould reach this office on or betore Monday morning

Geodetic.

In one of the reports laid before Pailiament last week it was stated that there had been much discussion as to whether New Zealand should undertake the measurement of an arc on the earth's surface in this part of the globe. The Government, it seems, wants to see if this globe is a square globe. Scientific men tell ub that it is not, but the Government evidently holds fast by Dooley's maxim ' Trust iv'ry wan — but always cut th' cards ' ; and it has placed 1 s pence on the estimates to buy a new two-foot rule for the man who is to do the measuring.

The earth may have been an oblate spheroid once upon a time • but of late our imperialism and our quid conceit o' oursel?, and ( above all. our Prosperity, have raised a considerable lump on this part of the earth's surface. In fact we are bulging so much that the 171 st meridian has snapped and its two ends are now flying loose in the vicinity of Hokitika. If only Fiji and some of the other banana islands in the neighborhood can be induced to join ua, it is the intention of the Government to slip away from the earth some dark night, and start in, all 'on our own,' as a new planet. For the present we are to be only a planet with the earth as a semidetached satellite or hanger-on. Anybody that has vested interests in other parts of this back-parlor world of ours had better sell out to some other New Zealander, if he can — before the news of our secession gets abroad. It is to take place pretty soon. If Mr. Mackenzie of Waihemo, aul Mr. Meredith, and Mr. Hutcheson, and a few others could only be persuaded to represent this Colony at the King's coronation, the great trek into space would probably take place next June. We don't mind the South Sea blacks coming with us, but we have to draw the line somewhere, you know. Anyway, whether we 'secesh' or not, I don't think the 18 pence spent on that two-foot rule is eitravugant.

A Far-seeing Boy.

According to a report in a North Island paper there is a youngster in the Manawatu district who is endowed with peculiar powers of vision. He can see just as plainly in the dark as at mid-day, and

can distinguish objeots at a distance of ten miles, more or lees — probably a foot or two less.

Beatrioe, in Much Ado ab»ut Nothing, remarked to her avuncular relation ( I believe that is the ' smart ' term for uncle) :—: —

' I have a good eye, uncle ; I can see a ohuroh by daylight.' If her o'her eye hal been comvie il faut, too, I suppose she would have been able to Be- two churches by daylight. Where the Manawatu boy, or m.'diurn, or hobbledehoy, can give points to Beatrioe is in this . th.il hu i« able to see churches or anything else in the dark, even though the night were as black as Erebun or as a professional politician's conscience. What a pleasure it will be for this boy in after years, when he has grown old enough to stay out Ute at night, to come home and lay his hand on the matches immediately. But there can be no suoh thing as privacy while a youth of that stamp is around. I suppose up Manawatu way there is the average crop of those

' 2 soles with but a single thawt,

2 harts which beet as I.' Some time ago I attended a magic lantern entertainment in Masterton, at which a detachment of those harmonious ' souls ' was present, and when the lights were low my tympanum was from time to time set whizzing by a sound resembling that made by a mule drawing his hoof out of a mud-hole. I rather think that if that gimleteyed youth were known to be there, with all the wizardry of his eyes on the alert, his presence would have been more effective than that of a squad of good-natured chaperones. His telescopic optio can sweep a radius of ten miles. Nature has evidently intended that far-seeing boy for a war-correspondent. During the Crimean War, numbers of theße latter were able to Bit in their hutches at the printing-offices in London and see everything that took place before Sebastopol. And thus— in thewcris of Hashbeeni in The Casino Girl, this Manawatu wonder is ' Nothing Noo.'

A Sylly, Sylly Thyng. Two sweet young maidens write — the one from the North Island, the other from the West Coast — and, after graceful apologies that would soften the heart of a rate-collector, take me to task for including 1 the fore-names they bear in my recent paragraph on the bizarre and fantastic and new-fangled appellations that are sometimes strapped onto children nowadays. One of my fair correspondents insists that the" Christian name she bears ig ' decidedly pretty,' and that 'the spelling of it is not at all disguised'; the other avers that her name is not alone ' pretty,' but ' quite uncommon.' The latter part of this fayre mayden's plea is incontrovertible. It may soothe the feelings of both to read what has been said by one who ' wrote sarrakustical ' about the growing habit — which one, at least, of them expressly disavows, of disguising the spelling of the forename :—: — 1 Where are the names, the pretty names. The names we ueed to know — The sweetly simple, girlish namee, We knew so long ago ? There are no Marys any more, In this enlightened age ; The old name's never used to-day — " Marie " is all the rage. ■ The Kitties are all '• Kathyrines," In this late age and day ; There are no Mamies any more, For " Mayme " is the way. The Fannies are all " Fanys " now, The girls we used to know Named Alice have all changed their natr.es, Since " Alys " is the " go." 1 The Pearls have gone to join the rest, For " Pyrle " is up-to-date ; The Helens spell it " Helyn " now, For it is very " late " The Ediths are all " Edyths" now, And. much as we may rue, The girls named Lillie have gone o'er — They spell it " Lyly," to-. ' 0, gyrls. pray tell me why you do This sjlly, ejlly thyng ; If we should ynto dayly lyfe Thys kynd of spellyng bryng, Confusion would be ryfe yndeed, We'd lose our E's and I's Yn keepyng track of spellyng whych Yb very much too V V