Grade and Gay.

New Zealand Tablet, Volume XXV, Issue 38, 21 January 1898, Page 31

Grade and Gay.

WHAT WOULD MY CAPTAIN SAY ?

Frederick the Great of Prussia used to tell a laughable story of an experience of his own. During one of his campaigns in Silesia, he made it his habit to stroll through his camp in disguise at night, to come more in touch with his soldiers. One night he was stopped by a sentry, but, giving the proper password, was permitted to proceed. Instead of doing so, however, he endeavoured to tempt the sentry into accepting a cigar, saying that a smoke would solace Ms long watch. '• It is against the rules," said the soldier. " But you have my permission," said Frederick. " Your permission ! " cried the soldier. " And who are you ? " " I am the king." '• The king be hanged ! " said the incorruptible sentry. " What would my captain say ? " — Harper s Round Table.

SOME IRISH WIT,

An Irish gentleman was shooting with an English friend, Mr. B. They had very little sport, so Mr. B. said, '• I'll ask this countryman whether there are any birds about here." "No use to ask him," said his companion ; " he'll only tell lies." " I'll ask him at all events," said Mr. B. "My good man, are there any birds about here ?" " Lots of birds, your honour," said he. " Tell me what sort of birds." " Well, now. your honour, there's grouses and woodcocks and snipes and ducks and tillibines and all sorts of birds." " Ask him," whispered the Irish gentleman, " whether there are any thermometers." " Tell me," said Mr. 8., •• do you ever see any thermometers about here ?" " Well, now, yer honour, if there was a nice frost the place would be alive with them." A very bullying counsel named Freeman was completely put out in his cross examination by a very simple answer. A countryman who was a witness was asked, "So you had a pistol ?" " I had, sir." " Who did you intend to shoot with it ?" " I wasn't intending to shoot no one." " Then was it for nothing that you got it ?" " No, it wasn't." "Come, come, sir ; on the virtue of your solemn oath, what did you get that pistol for /" "On the virtue of my solemn oath, I got it for three and ninepence in Mr. Richardson's shop." At another time the same counsel said to a witness, " You're a nice fellow, ain't you ?" Witness replied, " I am. sir, and if I was not on my oath. I'd say the same of: you." A barrister named Bushe was making a speech for the defence when an ass began to bray loudly outside. " Wait a moment," said the chief baron. '■ One at a time, Mr. Bushe, if you please." The barrister waited for a chance to retort, and it came presently. When O'Grady was charging the jury, the ass again began to bray, if possible, more loudly than before. lt I beg your pardon, my lord." said Bushe ; " may 1 ask you to repeat your last words ? There is such an echo in this court I did not quite catch them." In catechising a little girl the clergyman asked her, " What is the outward and visible feign in baptism V '■ The baby, please sir," said she. Another, on beincr asked what an epistle was, said, " The feminine of an apostle.'

Kings] ey : " Don't you think it retards digestion to read a newspaper at meal-times / " Bingo : '• On the contrary, I find it a great help. When the breakfast is a failure devour the paper."'

Hera is a pleasant anecdote from the '• Recollections " of Mr : Aubrey De Vere : — Another most amusing friend of mine was Edward Fitzgerald, an Irishman, the specialty of whose humor it was that the more comical were his word*-, the more solemn his face always became. I remember an illustration of this. After a large evening party, when nearly all the guests had departed, the rest remained to smoke. In that pariy was a man celebrated for his passion for titles. On this occasion lie exceeded himself. All his talk was of the rich and great. •' Yesterday, when I was riding with my friend, the Duke of: - — " ; " On Tuesday last, the Marquis of "remarked to me." It went on fora long time ; the party listened, some amused, some bored. E Iward Fitzgerald was the first to rise. He lighted a candle, passed out of the room, stood still with the lock of the door in his hand, and looked back. He could change his countenance into anything he pleased. It had then exchanged in a moment its usual merry look for one of profound, nay, hopeless, dejection. Slowly and sadly he spoke : " I once knew a lord too, but he is dead ! " Slowly, sadly, he withdrew, closing the door amid a roar of laughter.

A minister, who was in the habit of visiting a certain family rather frequently, always required the stableman to drive him to the station, but never gave him anything for his trouble.

One night he began to question John about his spiritual welfare, " Have you ever been born again, John 1 " he asked.

'• No," replied John, coolly ; - but I drove a man doon here yesterday that had been born again, for he gave me half-a-croon to mysel'."