Grave and Gay.

New Zealand Tablet, Volume XXV, Issue 17, 3 September 1897, Page 11

Grave and Gay.

MRS. MALAPKOP IN SOCIETY. Thebe is a story told in the Lady's Realm concerning the mother of one of our young American ladies, who, by the way has married a prominent personage. It appears the old lady is a regular Mrs, Malaprop, and her mistakes are most ludicrous. She was talking of love at first sight, and some one asked it she had been bo moved towards her husband. " Oh, yes," she answered. " 1 first met him at a fancy dress ball in the garbage of a monk, and I said, ' That's the man.' But then," she added, " some one told me be was as rich as Crokus !" LORD ROSEBEBY'B TACT. When Lord Rosebery was in Sydney his manners were the admiration of everyone. He was entertaining at dinner a promiscuous party, some of whom like, Lord Carrington's guests, had but a slight acquaintance with the tables of the luxurious classes. One of them, making his first acquaintance with an ice pudding, took an extensive mouthful, and suffered agonies of chill as the frozen mass slowly dissolved. With a kindly thought for others, the sufferer went to the host and intimated that some mistake had been made in the kitchen, as the pudding had got frozen. Lord Rosebery listened without moving a muscle, tasted the stuff, and thanking hi

informant, said he would speak to the cook. His Lordship then whispered to one of the attendants, and coming back with a relieved face, said, " It's all right ; they tell me it is a new sort of pudding that's frozen on purpose." The incident is described as the most perfect example oi^real y good manners on record. HE GAINED HIS POINT. Lord Russell, when practising at the Bar, one day examined a witness whose evidence promised to be damaging, unless he oould be confused. The only vulnerable point of the man was said to be his self-esteem. The witness, a portly, over-dressed individual, went into the box, and the ereat lawyer took him ia hand. " Mr. John Tomkins, I believe 1 " " Yes." " You are a stock-broker ? " " I ham." Lord Rassell regarded him attentively for a few moments, and then Baid : " And a very fine, well-dressed ham you are, sir." The shout of laughter, which followed completely diuconcerted Mr. Tompkins. and the lawyer's point was gained. A NEAT WAY OUT OF A DIFFICULTY. A company of amateurs were playing a thrilling melodrama in a country town in the south of England. The feelings of the audience were wrought up to the highest pitch of excitement by the villain's deeds of evil. At last the wicked man was tracked to his den and cornered by the hero, whose duty it was to murder him. The two men faced each other and glared as stage enemies generally do. "Now, Jack Jeffries, you are at my mercy," cried the hero. He put his hands in his pockets — horrors, the pistol was not there! The hero had not armed himself. The villain waited to be shot and the other hesitated. Then a bright thought struck the hero. He took the audience into his confidence. " I've got him at my mercy now," said he, in a stage whisper ; " I'll go and get a pistol and shoot the rogue dead." He bolted off the stage to search for the murder<us weapon, leaving the doomed villain to await his return. Moments passed ; villain and audience grew impatient but the hero did not come to put the former cut of his misery. The pistol could not be found among the stage properties either. The villain, in despair, thought he too would take the audience into his confidence. " I know what that man's after ; I'll go and help him to find that pistol." A roar of laughter f olio we i the villain as he left the stage, which was resumed when the two men returned with the missing pistol, and the villain was shot according to the book.